The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been praying recently for God to relieve me of my insanity. To grant me the freedom that serenity and that the program offers. That comes with sanity. I've gotten tired of being angry, I said. I've gotten tired of being on the defense, of creating senarios for what my Mom "will most likely say/do/behave as if", trying to understand my father. And in the process, I've found relief. My father's sister, my aunt, has gotten very involved in my life recently. She has taken it upon herself to send me job prospects from her local newspaper in theater. This is always a vulnerable position for me, whenever people help me without my asking. HUGE guilt button. Namely because I feel as if I "owe them." You helped me, you did something for me, and now I "owe you." As I meditated this morning, I also realized the nature of the conversations that my aunt and I had been having. Manipulative. Nosy. Very boundry violative. Often times I felt my "internal sirens" going off; the ones that say "Something isn't right; need to keep on my toes; something's amiss...". And controlling. She wanted everything now. And I felt sad for my father. Growing up with my aunt--who, according to the family lore is as expressive with her fists as Lalia Ali--I can imagine the insanity. I felt sad. I felt sorry. I thought, "God lady, I grew up with your brother and I couldn't take it. I can't imagine what growing up with you would be like." I've also been preparing myself for mother's day. I've painted my mother a picture this year, and I'm preparing myslef for the real possibility that mom may not recieve it well. The fact is dad SAID he liked the picture I painted him, but when he was asked by mom how he liked it, he said he didn't think much of it. And you know, that DOES hurt. It also says alot about dad. Mom I've come to see is a person that when it comes to being vulnerable, emotionally honest, or responsible for her actions, runs. Jessie Owens can take lessons from my mother; hell, the women's olympic track team can take lessons from my mother. She is gone and you're left with the smell of her dust, wondering "Wait, where'd she go?!" I'm trying to limit my expectations, because when it comes to the past, our relationships, no one likes to "just forget about it" than mom. A really good example is when I found out through my neurologist that, thank god, the MRI, the CT scan, and the blood tests have shown that my brain has sustained NO LONG TERM DAMAGE (!!!!!!!!!) from the seziures I suffered from the time I was a baby in diapers till I was 13 years old. My first thought was "You know, mom has carried so much guilt about those seziures. She'd appreciate this more than anything." When I called, all she said was "Oh that's nice dear." So I'm trying to remind myself that gift giving ultimately does more for the giver than the recipient. And the rejection OF the gift is less about the giver than the recipient. That's what I'm telling myself. I'm not sure it's working.
There are so many people in my life that offer up "help". Some of it I take and some I don't. If the delivery of that help is abusive, it doesn't really matter what their intention was. It might just be easier to fend for yourself and politely let her know that.
I liked what you said about gift giving. It's your sentiment that goes with the gift. I have had to look at it the same way I look at apologies. I offer it with no strings attached, and they either accept it as intended or they don't. Their choice, but I know what's behind it...
If she turns her nose up at it, send it to me. I will gladly display it and give you all the credit for using the talants HP has nurtured in you!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I can see why you are tired of the anger and the "being ready" the anxiousness. So was/am I. I relate to your condition and your desire to have it stop. It can and it will because you keep going after it. Your thoughts were my thoughts when I came into this program and today with time and practice, sitting, listening and more practice. Life is much much better.
I remember coming to the realization that people in my family of origin needed to be treated with tolerance because they didn't know and seemingly didn't care about the condition of the family and how it had affected us. They didn't do anything about anything other than continue to be the "carriers" of our disease and they were totally accepting of the situation as "normal" not needing change. They handled it their own ways and that looked, sounded and felt like insanity. I had to learn to give them grace. I had to learn to treat the people in my family that were clueless about the condition and my need to change, with tolerance and grace.
I remember learning to say "Thank you" to those who breached my boundaries attempting to "help" me unasked and without consideration to the consequences. I also remember learning how to confront them with love, speak of what I needed and tell them that I would ask for help when I needed it and that it was okay for them to just come by, visit, hug, converse and then go away. Changing my life and what goes on in it is my responsibility. Compassion, tolerance, patience, understanding, grace, respect, humility, unconditional love, gratitude, openess, honesty, loyalty, faith and more are the will of my Higher Power. The use of these takes away my fear of others and the fear of my own imperfection. The use of these means I am doing my HP's will.
This is just for me and I have experienced how it has changed my life. I learned it all here from you and from gazillion others who desire peace of mind and soul. Sanity and Serenity.
Keep coming back. You are a qualified member of this family and so very appreciated.
What are you telling yourself? and why are you unsure if it is working? I am a bit confused as an onlooker--and sounds a bit confused for the originator, too.. heyhey. For myself, I had to go back to remedial math -- I had to take things back to the Lowest Common Denominators (simplify). After deciding NOT to work so hard at figuring everyone else's perspective, it became much easier for me to see my path to a better day.
It took me getting sick'n'tired of being sick'n'tired to make the small steps I really needed. I need to smile a lot. I don't need to have a reason. I try to act cheerful, and then I usually get cheerful, and people around me get cheerful, too. I eat healthy, walk a lot and don't watch much TV (all the negative vibes on TV just kills my good mood). I need to be in the sun at least a little bit everyday (well, in WA that is a stretch... so perhaps just outside). and I try to have a good poop. need i say more?
What I'm getting at, I suppose, is that I've given up trying to find all the "causes" and "cures". That has sucked much energy without much progress. Instead, program has taught me to start taking care of me, live by the golden rule, be a decent human bean, have a laugh and truly enjoy the nuances of life.
you heard of the KISS method? well, i have the big KISSS: keep it simply silly, slobberknocker!
take whatchya want...etc etc love ya cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
from the seziures I suffered from the time I was a baby in diapers till I was 13 years old. My first thought was "You know, mom has carried so much guilt about those seziures. She'd appreciate this more than anything." 
