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For weeks now my Ah has been distant and cold towrads me, I have tried to carry on and not let it get to me but in the end it always does, I have tried on many accasions to ask what was wrong, but he won't say, he doesn't talk to me about anything, I want closure it's killing me, living with this day after day, he tells me he doesn't want me then he say's he does, he sometimes kisses me fleetingly and then ignores me for day's on end. This morning I said please talk to me, and he said, I am not the person you want me to be, you control every aspect of my life, and you watch and wait to pull me up on everything I do. I did do that and I'm trying hard to stop it, he's right, but all I ask is that he doesn't harbour resentment towards me and if I do do something that is bothering him that he can tell me, I realise in the past before Alanon we got into bad habits and those patterns are hard to break, but I am trying, and I'm not perfect but it's the not knowing whats wrong that hurts so much, the chunks of my life I have waisted worrying and trying to second guess what I did or what I didn't do. All I want is honesty, I'm almlost emotionally drained, the odd kiss is so misleading it's like it's just enough to keep me here to keep me from leaving. Why doesn't he just tell me he want's out?
HI, I find myself in a similar situation. My ah and I reconciled (again) last june, moved back in together, new house, new car etc. but same old problems. Asit stands right now we live under the same roof and that is about it. I told him I am moving to my sisters 1200 kms away because I can't take this, the moods, the silence, the booze , the gossip etc. We both agreed that we made a mistake in getting back together, so why is he still so moody and angry at me. I feel sad and angry and sometimes wanta to go to him and hug him and try again but I know in another year we'll be right back inthe same situation . So I have stop asking myself "why" or "what if" and have mde plans to move on in July when the kids are out of school. It's tough but I don't know what else to do. I'll be broke and prbably a bit lonelybut what can be worse than these mind games? I just pray I will stay strong and pray for u to be strong. God Bless!!
The only thing we have never tried is separation, I'm needing that right now, I have detached as best I can but he still asserts his will over mine, for instance, a guy cut us up the other day in the car, and he became enraged, then it became an highspeed chase to catch the guy, our son was in the car too, I asked please can you not do this your scaring me, he took no notice and pursued the guy for miles, untill the guy stopped, I think my husband was trying to provoke a fight, in this instance it never happened but the outcome was my husband said I should be more supportive of him, detaching from this is very difficult I had no choice and in many way's thats the story of my life, I control because I am fearful of the outcome, I know I'm doing it now and I don't want to be put in positions where I feel I need to do that. I have decided that my husbands behaviour around me is dis respectful and I no longer want to be part of it. I think it's time we each took responsibility for ourselves, I get so easily sucked back in, I'm so starved of affection he drip feeds me just enough to keep me dangling, but I been praying a lot lately and I think my God is helping me, and in time I will know what I have to do.
I think you have your finger on the pulse of your situation. You know whats happening and you know what is right for you to do I would say.
I took a lot of the treatment you're getting from myA when we were together. I was somehow grateful for any affection he gave me. My self esteem was so low, I knew no better. I had to hit my bottom HARD and more than once before I was able to leave him. In the end I had to get out.
I am since starting to grow, to recover. And you know what, my self esteem is improving too. Its all babysteps ofcourse, but each small step in the right direction is progress indeed.
I stayed until I realised I deserved better. I hope you find whats right for you and your family.
Wow. You could be telling my story. The control thing is such an insidious thing, and sometimes so hard to even be aware of doing. My AH sometimes puts everything in my hands, and then gets mad because I am controlling him. Go figure. I have tried to first of all be aware of what my motivation is when I make a "suggestion" or whatever. When I am completely honest with myself, I find that I AM trying to control him in many ways. I have also had to be constantly on my guard to NOT allow him to give the responsibility to me.
The very fact that you are so aware of what you are doing is HUGE...it is the first step in making any kind of change. Please acknowledge the progress you are making and be good to yourself. I beat myself up a lot every time I feel like I back slide. And thank God for all of the incredible members here who constantly remind me about Progress, not Perfection.
I went through a lot of the car rage behavior which is so unacceptable. For many months, I didn't ride anywhere with him -- and there were no children with us.
It's totally unacceptable especially with your son in your car. You're his mother and he doesn't have a choice. As a mother, you have to focus on not only what's good for you but what's good for your son.
You might want to read the "Getting Them Sober" books that can be found at any book store. The "car games" are mentioned as well as other games alcoholics play.
I'm sorry you're going through all this. Please be good to yourself and your son.
Katy Road rage and reckless driving has been a huge issue with the A. He's destroyed so much with that. At the beginning of this year he racked up $1,000 in fines. We were penniless so it was terrible. Yet he never stopped. There is no stopping him. He has had dire consequences but can't stop. I think I couldn't stop dealing with that I can't change him and that rescuing him and being angry at him isn't enough.
I do understand the heartbreak. I also understand the hot and cold. When the A told me he needed me last week for a full evening I entertained it. Then I decided I can't live on that edge. Does that mean I don't care about him far from it. I just know my limitations. I had none before.
I think when someone is using they are disrespectful to everyone. I know the A lied all the way through our relationship. The issue for me is that I lied to myself about that. I was well aware he was lying but I was still trying to change him.
The only person I had any success in changing was me and that was through al anon.
Thankyou everyone, well after I wrote you yesterday I went for a very long bike ride beside the river, the whole time I prayed to god to help me, and although I was all alone it didn't feel as lonely as being with my A h, I felt calm and enjoyed being by myself, I didn't want to be around when my husband came home, I get so anxiuos around him because of the mind games and I was perfectly fine, when I got home he'd been and gone and that was fine, I laughed and chatted with my son and we talked about his dad and the problems, I can see that alanon is working through me onto my son and that feels great, he asked what should I do when dad goes off on one, I said keep out of his way, go do something you enjoy to take your mind off it. So I know we are making progress, as it got to the time I knew my H would be coming home I get this overwealming feeling and I'm so chewed up inside, I kept asking god please help me please guide me, please don't let me lose it, and my husband was like another person as nice and as loving and kind as a person can be, and he always does this eventually after a bust up, he agrees with everything I say, tells me he knows he has problems and that he's soooooo sorry, and then I look at this man and think, how can a person have so many personalities how can he wlak out of the house in the morning so angry looking so hatefilled and then walk back in and be this lovely kind man that would just do me fine if he could be like this 24/7. I guess god knows whats best for me, he seems to want me to stick in there, and thankyou to all of you that come here, I find strength in all of your posts, everyone is god send.
