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I am so lonley. This saddness is just not letting up. I guess I'm grieving the loss of my marriage. I made my ah my best friend. I had other friends, I do have other friends, I have the love and support of this program. But (heard that one comming didn't ya?) I miss him. I think that is crazy. But (there it is again) did I not let myself love him because of what he did and didn't do. Was it a mistake to let him just go...push him away? He was/is working his program. Maybe that should have been enough for me. Right this minute, I'm thinking that I could have gotten over the past. I am really confused with these feelings. When he was out there, drinking and drugging and completly abandoning his kids, I didn't want him. When he was here, sober, taking care of the kids, helping me, being my friend again, I didn't want him. I did at times. But I would shut down those thoughts and let the resentments kill the idea of loving him again. I did that on purpose. I didn't think he deserved my love, I let my heart and mind hang onto the past so as not to be hurt by him again. Lot of good that did, as I sit here hurting. Missing talking to him. Missing sharing the kids accomplishments and trials with him. Yes, this was my decision and when I take my feelings out of the way I know it is the best decision for me and the kids. Still hurts like hell. And I don't know why it should. I just wish it were resolved. I wish my stupid lawyer would call me, or I would get papers or something for some legal closer. I wish everything would go the way I want! LOL! HP has a plan for me. For my kids and my ex. I wish it included what I want not just what I need. In the meantime, I don't know what to do with this feeling. I am sick of feeling it, writing about it, crying about it, thinking about it and trying to ignore it. I pray to be released from this feeling. I just don't know what step to take. I have been grieving the death of my dad for almost a year and I feel like it is lessening the closer I get to the year mark. I have given myself a year to just let it all hang out as far as that goes. And if it takes longer that's ok too. But when it comes to my ex, I feel like I have grieved for so very long and I am ready to move on. I just am not sure how. I don't know if any of this makes any sense. I am so lonley and sad I don't know how to get moving on this issue.
I have probably said it before. When we (not you or I but we) feel lonely it means that we are not connected to the universe. I miss my AHsober even when I am around him. He "left" and has never come back. So especially on the weekends when the neighborhood is empty, I have my plan to call friends and family and treat myself very well. And I keep reminding myself that I am never alone because I have my HP with me always. It hurts but we are right where we are suppose to be.
I am lonely too.. .The only difference ?? My ah is still here.. There is no connection anymore he is miserable and I like you want to move on but dont know how. I also dont know if I am strong enough to . I miss hearing his voice, his touch but then I try to remember when the last time he talked to me without calling me a b** . He is moving out soon and I will learn to move forward without him how I am not sure but I am sure that with the support of my HP, my children, my friends and this site I will ..
I am sorry, i dont have anything to offer but company :)
Thanks y'all. It always helps to know I'm not alone. Just occured to me that for about a month before the last big blow up, maybe even longer, my ex attacked me verbally wanting to know if it was really over for me, if I had really decided to move on or if I had moved on. And each time I told him yes, it was over and no I wasn't seeing anyone. That question from him always upset me. I remember yelling at him that I have lost my father, my home, my husband, and my marriage and that I have some major healing to do before I would be ready to have someone new in my life. I guess I thought I was safe for the at least the comming year as he was in the program, has a sponser and was working the steps and doing service. I thought because he was following the suggestions he would also not get involved with another woman for at least the first year. He would always condem those who did that. Now he is doing it himself. I should have known better. He can work a program but he cannot be alone, without a woman. He never ever has been alone. Always had a woman in his bed, taking care of him. I just assumed he was better this time around, that he was working a program for himself. So, because he is living with this woman that means he is either sicker than he knows or he is really in love with this woman. In love enough to go against the suggestions he believed in at one point. That being the case (in my mind) I keep catching myself praying that he relapses because then I'll know that "she" is just a symptom of his disease, or a casuality of his disease. I catch myself and stop myself and try to say the good prayer that he gets all that I want for myself. It is so hard to say that one. I know from experience to be careful what I wish for. And what I pray for.
Serenity, my heart goes out to you. I believe what you're feeling is completely normal . . . but acting on the feelings is another matter. Give yourself credit for not running out there to "see" him, in other words, acting on your loneliness.
There's no quick fix for loneliness of this kind. Just the comfort you can give yourselves and receive from those who know what you're going through. We're with ya.
That he is in a relationship against ALL the program's wisdom against it in the first year, and that she's with him is not a good sign, and a newly sober alcoholic has little energy left over for 'love' in it's true sense. For you or for anyone.
Dear Serendipity--Please hold on to your own strength & power & don't give in. I think you're grieving. Not just for your dad but for your dreams for your family & your future. You're smart enuf to know you DON'T want the future your A has to offer. In time you will have new dreams of a new future & if you stay strong it will work. You have my best wishes & prayers. Hope
First off another big (((((hug))))) to remind you that as someone said earlier this past week... you may be lonely, but you are NOT alone.
What you describe, I have done so many times. Gotten the resolve to make a decission which is best for me.... then slowly, start picking it apart and second guessing myself.
Now the truth is, I can (and do) make bad decissions that I have to take back. But you lined out many great reasons for the decissions you have made, and only one reason to take it back.... you feel loss. I know that feeling, and it is a strong one.
When I feel this way today (and I mean a couple of hours ago), I make myself a list of the reasons why I have made the decission I have made, and any reasons I should reconsider. When it comes to our seperation, and my resolve that we will NOT live together again EVER unless she quits drinking... the only reason to take it back is because doing what is right for me is sometimes unconfortable.
You are taking care of yourself and your kids, and I admire so much you doing that by being in this program and making the tough decissions.
I hope you take this as intended... You are showing great strength for doing the right thing. Of course you miss what was and what could have been if things were different. But in our world .... things are rarely different.
Take heart that you are not alone and we love you in a very special way.
Take care of you.... you deserve it!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
My experience is hon, to move on, I had to fill it with something. It takes time for your new reality to grow. For your life to take on the norm. the norm wiith out him.
I went on, I am growing up, fixing things myself, moving on. they pretty much stand still. It is very subtle. But I had to really force myself sometimes.
Making my own decisions, not considering his feelings at all. I think about how alive I feel, I notice the sky and love and cute kids.
It gets so being with them is so foreign.
I get lonely too. Especially when I am tired. And I still long to hold him and be held too. Never will happen.
Anyway We don't just get better, we have to take the steps to do that. Look inside yourself. What do you need to give this lovely person you are?
I saw Kims new "kids" She is moving on, cont. her dream.
It can be simple things. Paint a room, redo a floor. Make your life yours. This is very simple, but typical me, I got a rabbit, Farnsworth. he is a grey angora baby and he is a house bunny.
so much fun to sit here and see him nose to nose with my basset. Then the bun pounces on my dog!
Give yourself a new life, new things. What do YOU want? What do you want to do in your life?
Sure you will still miss him. But you won't feel so bad.
I can relate very much. I don't know what changed for me these past few months. I think I just got to the point of having enough. The As rages were too much. I know without a shadow of a doubt his disease always wins.
There are some moments it is incredibly painful to be away and not "coupled" and then others where it is such a relief. I hear you and empathise a great deal. I keep working through the stuff. I allow myself to feel it and don't set a time limit on it.
hey girl im already admiring you seems yur working on it ,yur taking steps to yur recovery and thats really great,i can also relate to yur story a gr8t deal with my ex, and now my present hubby he is in the n,gaurd and can be and prolly will be before its all over get deployed ,so guess what ,,,,ill be really having to deal with being alone agin,and i am now trying to work on it as what will i do with alll my time and how am i gonna really deal with it all when it does happen,cause im a very codependent person scares me to death at times when i think about it even happening.so maybe we can work on it together make plans on what to do with ourselves,my prayers r with you,sicerely pattyann.
