The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As long as I maintained some level of denial I could go on trusting the A. I did that despite his actions. I did that despite car crashes, tickets galore, no money and lies galore. Then I came here and heard my story over and over and I couldn't maintainthe denial anymore.
The sad thing and probably the most mature thing for me is that without denial I can't trust the A. His daily actions are too destructive for that. He thinks now that my being concerned about his imminent homelessness is harassment. He also believes I know that he can pick up with me anytime he likes. History has shown him that much. Right now I dont' think I can ever live with him again. That is one reason I will not move with him. He demanded last Tuesday I give up everything and just move with him - to what? He has no plan, no place to stay and right now no job. What would I be moving to - disaster?
The issue for me is that I entertained it for a day. I did not say No. I said I would think about it. I know after 7 years what I would be getting in a new place (although admittedly it is a less stressful environment) more lies, more signs of drug use, more friends who end up moving in and taking over and more chaos. I know for me my mental and physical health can't take that.
I also know that merely the thought of the A makes me spew resentment and I know where that takes me.
Of course I am by no means detached. I still have many many obstacles to cross. How will I share custody of my dogs? Will my dogs even survive his homelessness (although I know he could crash with his Uncle for a while). What will I do about the truck? How can I say goodbye and walk away when I know he is a wreck? I know sooner or later the phone call is coming "help me" or "I love you" and I know where that has taken me in the past right back into chaos. I can't go there anymore I know where it leads I know it doesn't get any better and I know it destroys me. Those are all issues I have to contend with and right now I am not up to making a decision about them. Right now I am still very very much on physical and mental survival. Thats about it. At the same time being willing to look at the issue of trust is so crucial for me. I need to be able to trust in a relationship and I can't with the A. I may want to, make it happen but I can't that's the reality.
I understand the denial and the reasoning away of bad behavior. I did it for years, and them I finally woke up. When my AH is active I do not trust him at all. Period. When he is sober I can't trust his disease, I know it is going to pull him to the bottle again because after a week or two of sobriety he stops his AA meetings because he "doesn't need them".
I cannot trust alcoholism.
There lies the the question. Can we be in a true relationship without trust or will there always be something missing? I already KNOW that I cannot trust my AH to be there for me in any capacity at any time. Complicated.
What I can trust is myself. I have to take care of me. I have to trust myself to make the right decision about my relationship with my AH. I have learned that when I put my needs before the alcoholism, I can live with that. If you do not want to move with him, good for you, it is what you want.
Your dogs, check the ownership papers, if they are in your name only, the dogs are yours. Check the truck ownership/loans. If in your name only, its yours.
Last summer my AH went to rehab for 3 weeks. Living without alcoholism was wonderful, don't get me wrong, I missed him, but I missed him the same amount as I did before he left, because he is not him with drinking. Period.
Can there be love without trust? My feeling is, yes, but it won't look like the love in the movies. You can't trust your old mother with Alzhiemer's not to set fire to the kitchen if she's cooking, but that doesn't mean you don't love her. You can't trust your teenage daughter to be alone all night with her boyfriend, but that doesn't mean you don't love her. You can't trust your two year old to get himself to daycare in the morning, but that doesn't mean...... You get the idea. Life with an alcoholic, active or sober, is never going to be 'normal' if such a thing exists. That doesn't mean it can't be good, it just means it won't look like the idea you may have had when you got into this.
I think it is more useful to think about what you can stand and what you can't, what you need in order to feel happy, what you just can't live without. First you need to really be honest and see what the REAL answer to that question is - maybe what you really need is someone who depends on you, or maybe you need chaos, maybe you need to feel degraded, maybe you don't really believe that you deserve to be loved.... Then, if what you uncover is a need for something that is not in your own best interest, there is work to be done to change that need. We do have choices, we are not stuck with our illness. Usually we are a mixture - healthy, reasonable needs, and some fairly odd ones, hiding in there.
One of my needs, I have discovered, is to make other people feel good. Not a bad thing, if kept in perspective. However, when I found myself comforting my husband for how guilty he felt for cheating on me "No, no , it's fine, sure I understand, you poor thing...." I realized that it was not healthy. So, this is something I work on. I have healthy outlets for this need - I work in a nurturing profession, I teach and mentor on another website, I have children of my own to nurture - but I try to remember that one of the people who needs to feel good is me. So, I am getting better at not letting people hurt me, and better at letting them know when they do. Gee, if I keep this up, some day I'll be perfect!
What great replies. There are times when I can allow myself to love the A from afar. I know it has to be from afar for me because his behavior, attitude, fantasies are so so destructive.
My own denial is not there anymore. I have denial about what it is going to take though about turning this around.
