The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just had to share with you a heartwarming moment with my grown up children.
My first introduction to Alanon was in graduate school as a friend of mine and I went to the movies to see "Stuart Saves His Family" which is about a character in several twelve step programs and how it helps his life.
It is meant to be a parody of twelve step programs but is surprisingly respectful and an an endearing view.
Ironically the character taught me more about Alanon than I learned in all of the F2F meetings I attended since it was a very balanced view.
Stuart lived on his own, supported himself, had loving caring friends, and treated EVERYONE with kindness, respect, and consideration. In other words he was a very psychologically healthy person in every way and was basically a "nice" person. I wanted what he had! LOL!!! I wanted a life surrounded with caring healthy friends who supported me rather than competed with me. Anyway, I went away from that movie thinking "WOW! Alanon must be a really great program if it teaches people to be like that! So nurturing and supportive to each other!". Well. that was a movie, and so showed the ideal and many many people in Alanon are just like Stuart, but sadly, many are not and are still at the beginning of their journey into recovery.
Sadly, those people have turned off my children to first Alateen, then Alanon and they won't hear of going. Ironically they seem to have "instinctive Alanon" in many ways, LOL, they are not filled with resentment at their A parent and dont' enable and don't pick sick people for their friends and dating relationships. I wish I had as much on the ball as they do when I was their age, and my parents never even had any addiction problems! LOL!
Anyway, one way in which they deal with it is by detaching to a pretty extreme degree, they don't like to discuss it much, things our family went through, but they were here visiting and I decided to rent "Stuart Saves his family" to watch together and tell them about the first time I saw it.
We laughed hysterically together at the funny parts and suddenly I realized that the first time I watched the movie none of those parts was funny...it was too painful at the time. The main part I am referring to is at the end part where Stuart's family is on vacation in California in a flashback scene and the Dad was really drunk the night before and overslept through their sightseeing time and he was driving like a maniac to get it all in so the Mom would not be mad at him for what happened. The whole family is pleading with him to forget it and he is insisting on driving around nearly killing them all to get snapshots. Then at the end he tells the kids to stand in the middle of the road to get a good quick shot and the Mom screams at them to get off the road. Our family has just about LIVED that entire scene. It felt good to look back on it and finally laugh about it. Sadly Stuart gets hit by a car (he is totally OK though, which is why it is stil a funny scene) and thank goodness THAT never happened to us, another reason why we could laugh about it, nothing ever really bad happened,
We talked about how many times that had happened and I think my children felt good to not feel so "wierd" that other kids went through some of the same things growing up that they did. I know this may sound like a simple thing but it was a BIG step for them, they never liked to talk about it before, and for them to LAUGH with me about it was a huge step.
If anyone's older children are stuffing their feelings about growing up with an alcoholic parent I will share my ESH that this movie helped my family a lot to talk about things in a lighthearted humorous way which really has helped in the healing.
Please explain how you prevent being one of "those people?"
"Well. that was a movie, and so showed the ideal and many many people in Alanon are just like Stuart, but sadly, many are not and are still at the beginning of their journey into recovery.
Sadly, those people have turned off my children to first Alateen, then Alanon and they won't hear of going."
Seems that we all walk into the doors of Alanon or 12 step program for the reason that our lives have become disfunctional to some degree. We may say we are there because of someone else in the beginning but ultimately we are there because of our own pain, self will, control etc. I'd find it amazing if I were to walk into a meeting a find 100% of the people perfectly okay without any scars, disfuction, anger, resentment or insanity.
I believe that we get what we need when we need it, and when we are ready, we get this program. You make one good point, those of us who have time in this program needed to be mindful of newcomers and share with them more of the benefits of the program. There just isn't any way of preventing newcommers from seeing all the different levels of growth around these tables -- sure it's very easy to say, this program isn't for me "I'm not like THEM" or those people. But stick around long enough and you'll find someone who resembles you and where you've been. This program is a choice, I don't believe it was "those people" who are at fault that your children didn't embrace Al-anon. Often it is the pain that brings us thru the doors, when we've tried everything we know how to try.
At one time all of us could say we were one of "those people." People in need of help and healing -- sick people in many different degree.
I am a grateful member of Alanon and love all of "those people" because a was and often still am one of them.
I too am unclear about what you mean in your statement about "those people." Do you mean people who are sad, lonely and depressed? People who are angry about the destruction alcoholism has wrought?
There are a variety of ways to find serenity and sanity. For some it involves Al Anon. for others, it doesn't. when I become convinced my way is the best way, I created a hazard for myself and others because I become indignantly self righteous and resentful that other people will not respect nor see to what I precieve to be greatness when it is really gradiosity. Humility, in all senses, is the watchword.
What is meant by "those people" is people very early on in their road to recovery and are still at the stage of lashing out indescriminately (due to simply shifting their rage at their alcoholic, they still have not learned the tools to deal with it in a healthy way), finding fault and seizing on it, and other things which most newcomers find shockingly unnacceptable if they have any degree of mental health.
Sort of what has happened here. I meant to share a private heartwarming family story about a breakthrough in recovery for my children, hoping that others with children in so much pain that they can hardly discuss it would rejoice with me. And, also sharing some ESH that may help others find a way to open lines of communication with their children.
It seems more like people here read posts looking for something to CHOOSE to take offense at. That is a shame that it takes place in Alanon.
That is not recovery my friends...and thank goodness the MAJORITY of people in Alanon are working at recovery and lovingly welcome newbies and share their healing journey with them. Sadly, the one or two apples that traditionaly spoil the whole barrel had more of an impact on my children then the majority of the others who were offering a helping hand of recovery to them.
I forgot to mention that I love "those people" too and yes I was once one of them in many ways, hence how I ended up in Alanon.
However, I don't wait by the door to seize upon newcomers and tell them up close and personal how very very SICK they are and then proceed to tell them their hateful and sick feelings towards their A, like was done to me my first visit. With newbies I try to emphasize how much we all love them and how much compassion we feel towards them and how they are welcomed into our family of brothers and sisters in recovery.
I feel that recovery is a PERSONAL journey and all we can do is share our ESH from our own journey. We can't presume to know how "sick" someone else is and to tell them to their face their first visit is well...shocking.
Some people feel that same love and really think it is kind and helpful to tell newbies their first visit how very sick they are, and in their rush to show they empathize they take the newbies inventory saying things like "I KNOW you feel lots of rage towards your A". They mean well of course, but that is not helpful to some newbies. Some are more sensitive than others.
We need to be aware of that.
I know for me when I came to Alanon and people were like a pack of wolves surrounding me screaming at me how very sick I was sicker than the alcoholic and how full of rage I supposedly was and how "messed up" I had supposedly become living with an active A I felt like running away screaming...
I got an earful from my A about how "messed up" I was since I did not go along with an alcoholic lifestyle. I did not come to Alanon to get more of the same.
Thank goodness I am a reader and read all of the literature a kind old timer made sure to slip into my hands as he URGED me to read it and REALLY learn about Alanon while the others were attacking me. I learned what Alanon was really about and knew I was home.
Over time I was able to see the good hearts in those people who treated me so awfully my first F2F, I was able to see how their zeal to help was generated by the same love and compassion that we all feel towards newbies. It just came out a little sideways since they were early on in their journey of recovery...but they had started...and newbies can learn from them.
I did not read where anyone was offended, only that people were curious and unsure what you meant by the short phrase "those people." Of course, now that you have explained the meaning, I can see why your children would not want to be around people who are lashing out at them, no matter why they are lashing out. I don't want to be around people who lash out at me either. It is unfortunate when we encounter that, whether at a check-out stand with a rude clerk or in any type of meeting designed for support. I hope that your children understood when that happened that sometimes people are in just too much pain to realize what they are doing.
As for me, when I ask for clarification of something, it means that I would like you to further explain what you meant when you typed the words. If I state that I found your words offensive, then that means that I found your words offensive. Please do not try to "read between the lines" of my posts, because you will only be confused that there are none.
As for my recovery, I would say that it is much like your own alcoholic's recovery...not something for you to judge.
i enjoyed yourpost. i too look forward to seeing Stuart saves his family. will go rent it ...i do not remember seeing that one of stuarts. lol.
i tend to try to find anything i possibly can to help me better see ways towards my recovery. im thirsty for healthy ideas, open to suggestion and full of hope. i too, as you, have a strong faith in my HP, whom i call God.
i just wanted to thank you and give you a ((hug)) for posting.
AND as always, I will....take what I like and leave the rest.
((((((((((AlanonMom))))))) always a joy to see your es&h. very enlightening stuff! Take careYou. Keep Looking uP
I don't think I've heard of that movie before. Thanks for the tip, I'll have to look that one up.
Another movie that I enjoy watching that kindof parrallels my home life is "Hanging up" with Meg Ryan. It's a story about three daughters and growing up with an alcoholic father and an absent mother, it's about detaching with love. It's gooood and I come from a family with 3 girls. I'm the youngest and totally relate to the youngest character. I think most al-anoners could relate to it.
lol. 
. i too, as you, have a strong faith in my HP, whom i call God. 
