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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have this best friend,we have been close on and off from middle school. But she went one way and I went another. I started a family with my a. I had what she wanted. But her life was good,traveling,following her dreams. She has always been one of those girl bitches, do you know what iI mean? But she loves me and we are like family. She is the godmother to all 3 of my kids. But the other day she said something to my oldest about me being a retard in highschool, sleeping all the time in studyhall. just stuff that i don't want my 12 year old to hear about at this point in her life. but i let it go...hahaha....tonight i go out of my way to drop my 12 yr old off to babysit my friend's baby. winds up she just brings everyone with her to the concert.ok i am pissed. my daughter could have been home doing what she needs to get done. but that's not the worst of it. my "FRIEND" says she has to talk to me. she said she slipped and told my 12 year old the I was in her father's first wedding. yes, the man i was married to and very recently divorced....i was in his 1st wedding. the guy i was dating was friends with my now ex and he (the guy i was dating) thought it would be a good idea for me to be in the wedding too. so although i didn't really care about this girl or about my then future ex i was in the wedding. we were all 19 and on alot of drugs. It took many years for me to get over the guilt. the older i got and more mature....having kids of my own....i started to understand that what happened was not something i was proud of nor do i find it funny. i have made my amends with her (my ex's ex) so here i am PISSED AS HELL at my "bestfriend" because she says this to my 12 yr old and then went on to explain to her the version that went on. she wasn't even in my life at the time. she told me and then apologized. i am so mad. i tried to explain that that information was nothing that my daughter needed to know at 12. it will only hurt and confuse her. i don't care that it makes me look bad, i look bad enough it's her fragile little fantasy of what life is. and this bitch of a best friend took it on herself to ruin that. i was so angry i didn't speak all the way home. I don't know what to do or say. she sent me an email apology which went something along the lines of "i am so sorry. sometimes i speak before i think. we are so open with my stepson and tell him everything i forget that your daughter is only 12" i want to write back but more so i want to do the same thing to her. like just accidently slip that their daddy gave their mommy an std, that their daddy convinced their mommy to have a 4 some. that their mommy had a long term affairs with married men. that she moved out of her mother's home when she was 16 and lived with her boyfrind, oh i could go on but why bother? i am so mad i don't know what to do with this anger. I want to never speak to her again. i am not a victim. i feel like i keep pushing these people out of my life because they piss me off, or they don't understand what kind of parent i am trying to be. they keep me stuck. they think i am this total screw up and act as if i can't do it so they will do it for me. or like their way is the right way i am so sick of it. i want to never ever have to speak to my mother again, but i don't awant to take her from the kids although she is sicker than she ever has been before. and if i kick my bestfriend out of my life then they have no one except me!why do i keep getting slammed?
As you work on yourself and get better, you'll probably start noticing how some relationships are toxic, and this is a sign of YOUR progress.
I'm mad at your 'friend' too. She is careless of your daughters development, and a person who blurts stuff out like that is intolerable, just like you're saying. To 'get her back' would similarly injure HER children . . . only a wretched person would be that careless with a child, and perhaps you are just getting well enough to see it and refuse to tolerate it any more. I doubt this is the very first time she's violated basic decency and trust. How much more are you willing to put up with?
Since bitch slapping her is out of the question for our recovery reasons, I hope you dig deep into yourself for insight into why you feel surrounded by a bunch of beasts. You are here on this board and a member of Alanon . . . much better pickin's over here :D .
I understand how you feel. I had to step away from my bestfriend two years ago. A friend I had had since highschool. It was really difficult because she was really my only friend and I still miss her. The thing was, the chaos that was going on in her life started to spill into my life. I decided after sitting down for a heart to heart with her that this relationship just wasn't heathy anymore. She couldn't be honest with me. Before I sat down for this heart to heart I removed all the details from my mind and focused on the main issues. (details confuse things) I made sure I was gentle and caring, not confrontational when I sat down face to face to talk about what was bothering me. She made excuses and denied there was any problem. That's when I had to ask myself, if we met for the first time right now... would we have enough in common to be friend? The anwser was no. I had to let her go. If she came to me today and wanted to talk openly and honestly about what happened I would gladly do so in a caring and open way. If she came to me today and wanted to pertend it all didn't happen, I couldn't go along with that. I wish the best for her.
I hope whatever happens with you and your bestfriend, you feel you did everything you could and feel no shame about any of it.
I believe that people come into our life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime. When I am mourning relationships that are ending, I try to see which one of those categories this particular one falls into. And I try to see what I have learned from knowing this person - and what I am learning by letting her or him go. Somehow it gives me some peace around situations that can be painful.
Even when I feel justified in my anger and thoughts of revenge, I try to remember one of my favorite things that I have heard in the rooms of Alanon:
'Resentment is like eating posion and hoping the other person dies.'
Somehow it always helps me to move beyond my anger and into the healing.
My mother always said I was quick to make friends and throw them away and this is exactly why I did. I have about six best friends and the reason is because they care about me and my children, they know my rules when it comes to my kids and they respect that and I treat their children the same. This "friend" of yours would have to take a back seat in my life. I agree that she's "toxic" and you do not need someone like this in your life. Who in the heck does she think she is talking to your 12 yr old that way? Your bigger then me because I would have been all up in her face. (I'm a mean one-Irish) Your 12 yr old I hope is smarter then this woman and blows it off. It hurts when someone says something mean and nasty about your mom and that probably hurt her more then the garbage this person was telling her. I wouldn't get into it with your daughter but take it as a moment to explain that sometimes "friends" are not as good of a friend as you thought. Make a lesson out of it in a positive way. Good luck. I hope you wean that person out of your life.
I have on numerous occassions slowly separated myself from friendships. If I find that the friendship is hurting me more than making me feel good, I just simply let it go. You have to do that for your own sanity sometimes. Friendships should make you feel great not miserable. It really doesn't matter how long you have had a friendship, if it turns sour you should let it go. If the friendship makes you feel bad, more than likely it is making the other person feel bad too - even it they don't openly admit it.
Sounds to me like she is an extremely immature person or she has a psychological problem of some kind.
Is she jealous of you and your family? Why would she talk about your personal business to anyone??
I've gone through periods of time when I've had to evaluate or re-evaluate who my real friends are. There have been times when it looked as if I didn't have any friends except my Higher Power and some of my family.
When I first came to Al-Anon, I had a few friends but I wasn't one of them. I didn't like myself. Now that Al-Anon has taught me to be my friend and love myself, I can spend time alone with myself and HP and be happy if need be. I'll never be alone again. When I want to make new friends, I take myself out where they are.
I prefer to detach from toxic people slowly if I can. Children can't protect themselves so we must protect them in the best way we know how.
