The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
My AH has managed to wiggle his way back home over the few weeks. He was staying with his stepdad and I thought that was a good place for him to be. He was coming over to my house just about every evening after work. He was cheery and bending over backwards to please me. Sweet talk, hugs, kisses. He was helping with dinner preparations and clean up afterwards. One thing led to another one night and we ended up in the bedroom. That is when it began....the wiggling back into my home. He went to his stepdad's that night and for the next couple of nights. But that very Saturday he spent the night on the couch and that is where he has stayed ever since.
We are into our 3rd week of this. In the beginning I thought maybe I could do this - If his attitude stays this way - If he continues to help out w/the evening chores - If he continues to treat the kids and me like we are royalty - Yes maybe we can make this work. Of course, he has to stay clean and sober - And treat us this way - it may work out.
Well, after the 1st week, I started to feel the suffocation creep in on me. I had told him I needed time and space. But he acts as if everything is fine now between us. I am right back where I had been for 14 years of marriage. I am back to cooking for him, cleaning up after him, doing his laundry and watching him fall asleep in his recliner watching TV at night. Granted I understand that he is working hard in his new job. But I just cannot stand to see him relaxing or sleeping when I have so many chores to do in the evenings. Maybe I am being selfish.
It just seems that now that he is home again, he creates more work for ME. He sure as heck is costing me a lot more money. When he is there, my grocery bill is double!! So he is there, causing me more work, eating all of my food, using up my electricity and water and causing me stress and unhappiness.
Another problem is I don't know what I want really. I THINK I want to live on my own w/the kids. I enjoyed my time when he was gone. It felt good. I love him. I just don't want him living w/me. I want to go through with the divorce - for nothing more than to protect myself from any further damage he could cause. He is eyeball deep in debt and there is no way he will be able to pay it all back. He can't file bankruptcy while we are married unless I do it to - WHICH I WILL NOT DO! And why should I support him financially while he puts every dime he makes towards his drug & alcohol induced debts, while I struggle to pay my own bills- which are increased due to supporting him?
I reckon I will have to face him with all of this and explain it all. I just don't have the nerve to do it. So I am stuck walking around all day and all evening on edge, unhappy and stressed. Arrgg. Even when he is clean and sober and trying to make things right - I find his actions selfish. Am I the one being selfish?
This is the really hard part for me - this is the part that really pushes my recovery - I have to voice my uncomfortableness - I have to set clear cut issues. I have to list what is acceptable and unacceptable.
Yes, my AH is in recovery - but the effects of disease is still very much in our lives. I am constantly finding myself having to confront issues that arise in our lives. Issues where previously I would say "Oh, I can't talk to him about that cause it might cause him to drink or use" or I would have the martyr role "I have to do everything cause he's never sober enough to be responsible for anything anyway". Well those don't work for me anymore. It's very uncomfortable to confront him, but I try to be direct, non accusational, and in a matter of fact way - say for example "I am uncomfortable with always being responsible for doing the dishes everynight - I feel this is a equal responsibility and should be shared equally" or "The household requires $____ money to function properly, I need you to contribute $___ weekly to be a part of this household"
It is not always met with the best of attitudes, but usually after not responding to the old methods, and old guilt - then usually we begin to reach a place where we can communicate. I don't always get what I ask for, but progress not perfection - at least I am learning to make my needs, boundaries and limitations known.
I believe you have the choice to ask for what you feel you need - of course your AH may not be able to give that, and you can then have options on what you feel you need to do after that, but it is ok to ask, to communicate, to set those limitations and boundaries - Basically to take care of You and your household.
Progress not Perfection. Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
What I heard you say is that he is manipulating you, you are enabling him, and you need more time and he is not respecting that. The same thing happened with me and my now ex ah. I think it is one of the alcoholic traits to try (and usually suceed) in wiggling back into our lives and homes. Until they feel like using again and then there is no thought of us. When my ex and I were seperated, he started pushing for us to get back together, under the same roof. I wasn't ready. I resisted, I tried to take care of myself. He relapsed, had an affair, went to rehab and THEN we moved back in. Because I needed the illusion of control that he let me have ( if you and the kids are here I won't want to use, blah blah blah). I have enabled my ex ah to be a father for many years. I enabled him to lead a "normal" life. I enable him to work, keep a job. I am an enabler and that does not (for me ) mean getting him alcohol or drugs or paying his bills or calling in for him. I did not do those things. I enabled him to be sober. So, he never had to do it alone, for himself. I never allowed him to figure it out, how to be a dad, how to be a functioning grown up, autonomus (sp? lol!) from me. I enable. I put myself and the kids aside and focused on him completly in his sobriety. take what you like and leave the rest just don't lose your focus! If you are confused or uncertain then wait. There is nothing to decide right this minute. Just for today in this moment you are ok.
It's not so black and white as who is being selfish. Maybe you're getting hung up on that. Our situation is so similar in that I too have a dependent and needy A who has wiggled his way back in to the home or outright refused to NOT come home. Of course he's being selfish, it's par for the course for him right now. That he remains so clueless to your struggles with him back in the home is testament to that. Of course you are being selfish, as you perceive his wiggling back and relaxation into his old patterns as an invasion, which it is. And you're just trying to maintain a sense of serenity and peace amidst this. So I wonder if this is going anywhere but in a circle. I certainly relate to where you are, more than I can say.
I feel so free and relaxed when the A is gone off on a bender. He's been gone for almost a week. I felt the weight lift off of me the day he walked out the door 'to take his truck to the mechanics'. I waved bye bye, pretty sure he was off again even then, could have collapsed on the floor in relief if it weren't in need of a mop job.
I think when you said "I don't know what I want really . . ." is the key element here. If you did know, you would find the energy necessary to adjust or take action. I have NO idea what would be right for you and the kids, but I'd suggest relaxing, do nothing until you have clarity about what you want.
Sorry, this is getting longer and longer . . . for myself I had to face that I love this man more than I have loved any other in my life. He's the only man I ever WANTED to marry, and in spite of his addiction and the behaviors that go along with, it seems that nothing he's done has "killed off" the attatchment and concern and just basic affection I feel for him. It really beats me why. I've left other relationships for MUCH less. Much, much less. Being honest with myself, I have to admit this is a mystery beyond my ability to understand, bigger than me perhaps. I've begun to accept this about how I feel for my A. I have hated him, am repulsed by him, but home base is inevitably the love I feel for him. I don't even really want to love him, but I do.
Love thankfully is not so black and white. I've had to question this love and what it means to me, and I'm just beginning to get a glimpse of something new. I can relax and freely love him, but at the same time take care of me. I too am "divorcing" my A to protect myself and the assets I brought into the relationship. I do NOT want to, no way do I want to do this. I HAVE to do it. You may fear putting it on the table with him, but how he responds is entirely his choice. You are letting his needs take precedence over yours, and since when did that ever sit well with a strong Alanon program? All we can do is get better and better about meeting our own needs in good ways, and HP take the rest. Remember how limited your power is to change him or cause him to act out. Pull back and gather your strength and tell him what you need but don't expect him to do one thing or another.
My heart is out to you. You have what it takes to make the changes necessary in you. I wish you well and godspeed on coming to a solution.
It does not sound like he is going to AA.All he has done is stopped using. He is not working on the many other symptoms.
It is like has gotten the brace off the broken arm but needs physical therapy, exercises, massage....
An A needs AA, following a program all their life, eating right, being honest, helping at home, not manipulating and using. His disease is still very much in control.
Yep the disease sucks us dry. The only thing different is he is not using, as far as you know. And it makes no difference it is his problem.
I never did go back to doing any of what you said. My A would ask if he could make something from the kitchen. But he did not mind taking a 45 min. shower, or hogging the tv, or asking me to buy his tobacco.
This is being married to an A. Everything you are describing is aism.
I completely relate to you being in limbo, ambivalent not wanting him there, yet not wanting to tell him to go.
YOu know he is sick, this is the disease, how can I throw out my husband who is sick?
But I am going nuts being sucked dry.
Remember we do them NO good babying them. And for an A, all we do is babying them. It would most times be so different with a non A.
you cook one night he the other, they get home at 6 and you share all the jobs until bedtime. or one night he does next you do.
You may want to see if he will do that.
I don't believe judging you, or judging ourselves serves any purpose, it bothers you. so it does. The thing is do you only need to vent or do you want to look at your options to change it?
Thanks to all of you for the ESH. It helps so much to have an outside view. Someone who understands the situation but isn't completely absorbed in it directly. Y'all are awesome.
