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Just to catch anyone up, I got an email from my mother in law last Wed. saying my husband had been in a horrible car accident, punctured a lung etc. and was in the hospital somewhere but she didn't know where. Also, he had told her that he didn't want me to know. Finally, she got worried after not hearing from him again and called the phone company to get the number he had called collect from. She called the hospital and they said that he was in jail. I looked online and found him in the DOC database with last activity as 4/20. I called the county jail for the county that he was last in and here's what I found...
He is being held on a 50k bond for kidnapping in the 2nd degree, larceny of a vehicle and posession of stolen property. I can't even imagine who he could have kidnapped? The jailer said that he is being held in Raleigh (I got the impression that it was a prison) because they don't have the ability at the county jail to care for his medical needs. He has court on May 7th and I'm pondering the idea of attending. It's hard to imagine that this is the same man I married, the man I love so much :(.
Oh dang! What a mess he's created. Why are you considering attending? I guess we are all different because I think that's where my detachment would take place. At that point I don't think I would even want to be associated with him. I wouldn't walk but run to the divorce attorney. My prayers are with you, he on the other hand............well......let the good lord take care of him and give him what he deserves.
Dear Carolinagirl - I am so very sorry to hear your news. I have been praying for you and your husband for a better outcome. Try to find a few minutes every day to take care of yourself. We are hear for you.
I can totally understand why you would want to attend. I think its human curiosity to want to go, especially given his charges. You must feel like he is a complete stranger, someone you don't even know. I feel for you, I really do. If I was you, I would give this info to his family and let them be the ones to attend. It seems to me that there is nothing else you can do for your husband, so it is finally time to take care of you and your kids and not worry about him anymore. I am so sorry, I know this must be your "rock bottom." You definitely don't deserve this or any of the other stuff he has done, but only you can make the choice of ending your relationship. Take care.
I would probably want to attend the court hearing too. I would probably want to see first hand how things could be get this chaotic. I would also imagine it will give me satisfaction if he knew....I knew what was going on.
But lately, I've really been working on checking my intentions. I'd ask myself this one. Why am I really going? Is it for me? Is it to help him? Do I really think my attendance is going to make an impact his life or disease? Probably not. Will going help my serenity?
Do you know what the #1 cause of accidents is? I am not making this up. Rubbernecking. People who can't stop looking at an accident create another one. It's time to stop rubbernecking. Your husband is now the property of the state. He needs to be there. Don't go honey. Don't. Stop rubbernecking. Stop putting your hand on a hot stove.
Well, realistically I'm not that involved in his life anymore and he is not in mine, we very rarely see eachother. I suppose my motivations are these. #1 I MUST know the story just out of curosity #2 I want to see how badly he was injured #3 I want him to know that I know and #4 I want to talk to the court to see if he can be sent to the treatment facility to serve his time and see if they will make that recommendation #5 There is no one else to attend (friends/family) #6 I want him to know that I still love him even though I can't be with him and despite the fact that he is destroying my children's father - that he is not the only person this affects... to see the pain he is causing, etc.
"I want to talk to the court to see if he can be sent to the treatment facility to serve his time and see if they will make that recommendation ......"
This intention sounds like nothing to do with you and your HP....let go and let God.
Just a sweet observation....have been where you are.
Anything you do for him (arrange treatment, plead with the court), even meaning as well as you do, is your energy wasted. I doubt I could not have expectations and then be let down when he does his own thing anyway. He is going to see this through to his own end, not the one we wish for them. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and the kids.
I still see you focussing on him and his problems, and that's OK if it's where you are at. Just acknowlege it to yourself. We each come from our own unique place, and walk our own unique path. If you are able to advocate for him at all, it's still the court's choice where to place him. Court people know all about the resources available, and as full as the jails are, they're always looking for some place else to put him. Also, if you do advocate, the court places him in treatment, and he DOES get with it, it STILL is up to him, and your advocacy will either fail or "suceed" according to his will.
Maybe you look into yourself and find nothing to "do" or work with. There's a whole wide world for you and those kids outside of this constant drama of your A. I offer this in concern and kindness, but respect your decision to do what you will. I love ya no matter what, just want you and the kids to have peace and the good life :) .
I'm sorry about your husband. But I too would distance myself if it was ny husband. There's a reason he didn't want you to know. What good would it do you to attend the hearing? Justify your reasons for leaving him? You already know why you did that. You are at peace with that. You did what you had to in order to take care of your family.
Don't waste the time and energy on this, as hard as it may be. Put it to something more useful and productive.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You know I had an insight this week that I find the A's chaos very intriguing. Intriguing for me is a huge part of the love addiction. The A I lived with is pathologically secretive. I think he also finds it very engaging to be part of this huge crisis. At the same time, like you, I do care about him. I do want to know that he is ok.
I have to practice detaching a great deal. There are times when it is easier. There are other times when I can even think of getting back into the craziness with him. I think there is a sense of belonging in his needing me.
I don't know whether this will help but my own insight into feeling totally driven by intrigue has helped me a lot.
I've seen the A very rarely over the past 3 weeks. I have my own issues (real poverty) that the A cares nothing about. I know focusing on him is a huge distraction for me from fear. The first week I was gone from the A was one of tremendous fear how would I manage on my own. That is something of an irony given I have survived 7 years of his chaos, violence and addiction. Yet I felt completely unable to venture out in caring for me.
I'm not sure we can make anyone see the error of their ways. I know the A I lived with lives on the edge. He falls off that edge all the time. Right now he is facing having no home. He has resources, he can use them. He has a truck he can stay in. That is more than I have. He also has the ability to make money. Personally I think he is drawn to the couple he's been hanging around with because (a) they do drugs together and (b) they all live on that edge. I think there is something in that chaos and crisis that fuels the addiction. I am not sure I am a match for it. I no longer try to be. I have begged, cajoled, cried, screamed the works. I've even been totally insane around the A's actions. Nothing affected them. He has never shown much remorse. Maybe a word here or there.
I don't want to influence your choice at all. After all I still choose to be in contact with the A. At the same time I don't thenk any one of us who are not an alcoholic "know" the craziness or will ever get the whole story and sometimes the 'why" is what I crave. The issue for me is that I crave that more than I crave taking care of me.
If it were me I wouldn't worry too much about his physical injuries....afterall the hospital released him and they surely wouldn't have if he were not well enough. I can understand your wanting to see him get help....we have all been there. Maybe you could just call the public defender's office to see who is representing him and tell the lawyer alittle of his situation, then leave the rest to the lawyer and HP? This way you will feel better, but you are still maintaining some safe distance from the situation.
Kicky made a good suggestion.....I also did the samething. When faced with a decision I always ask myself what my "real" intentions were, who am I really doing it for. Sort of weigh the pros and cons, it helps. Then when I do make my decision I know I did it for "my" right reasons.
