The material presented
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I thought my life was going forward when i kicked him out. we are in contact on a daily basis, partly coz we miss eachother and partly coz i want to hear his voice, coz when i hear him i know if he has been drinking or not. He tells me he isnt drinking and he knows he is to stay sober if we are going to ever try "US" again, and he is trying..........but is he trying hard enough? He drank 2 weeks ago. and it happened twice in that week, and he was sorry and he felt sick for doing it blah blah blah But not sick enough to get his butt back into meetings. So he is trying it on his own. Im not stupid... we ALL know they cant do it alone... and thats his battle. But im seeing past the drinking into his soul, and im slowly being sucked back into a relationship with him. For the past few months ive been telling myself to just give him time... not to prove that he can stay sober, but to prove to myself that i have made the right decision in kicking him out... coz if i give him enough time he will drink again and that will make it easier for me to totally walk away. But when he drank 2 weeks ago, i didnt walk away. Whats wrong with me??? I am 95% free of all this drama... So now, im just waiting yet again for him to stumble... maybe this time i can say good bye for good. Who knows???
for me artie alcoholics are my drug and when they are removed i crave them....i am addicted, if i cant stop doing something then i am addicted...simple i can change that first step to "Admit i am powerless over alkies - that my life has become unmanageable" then i came to beleive that a power greater than me could restore me to sanity (could not would) and then when i had reached that stage then if i have enough trust in this power that i cant see touch smell hear or feel, i give my life to that power...absolutely....1/2 measures availed us nothing....99% is still nothing , i have to jump off the cliff hope that helps luckyeddie
For me, I find with the As and other addicted people in my life--it's hard for me not to get sucked back in--part of it for me is the fantasy of "if only...", part of it's my own lonliness, and part of it's not wanting to give up control of the situation and have faith that they really can work it out without me. For me, after my recent break-up with an addicted person, I had to take a REAL break until I really and truly felt better about my own life. Recently, we spoke again after MANY MONTHS of not being in touch--I have to say, it made me realize that I will probably always struggle with the fantasy of "if only..." but now I have the tools to live in reality and in today.
Perhaps a good place ot start here is to look at your own motives, and see what you're telling yourself about this situation. Before I decided to really and truly let go, I found that what I too often told myself are things like "It's only one phone call...what's the harm..." and I often didn't realize how my fears where helping me stuck and sucked back in--fears that I would never find anyone else, fears that this person was made for me and I was giving them up, fears that the person would slide even further into the abyss without my intervention.
What has helped me stay the course has been trying to build a full life for myself, getting my butt into meetings, working my program, and coming to this board. I need contact, I need love, I need community. Once upon a time my A was my world, now my world is really wide and expansive and I happen to have some A's in my world.
I'm sorry that he's drinking again. I think the thing you have to remember (and bears repeating to remind myself too) is that an addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, regardless if they are sober or not.
Let me ask you this: Does it do you any good to hear his voice and know that he has been drinking? I ask this because if you have set the boundary that you will not talk to him when he's been drinking, that's one thing. Or if you are checking to see if he's drinking and mixing his meds (like I did, not that it would have done any good) and fear for his safety, that's another issue. Or are you doing it to spy on him (I'm not accusing you, I'm just not beating around the bush.) in order to justify your decision? These are the same questions that I had to ask.
As for him not trying hard enough, I don't buy that anymore. After going to AA meetings with hubby I realized that it's easy for us who have never been addicted to say that they are not trying hard enough. But we don't know their demons within. I have heard so many stories about how hard it can be to for some to stay sober long enough to get through a meeting. Staying sober for a day is a small victory. What they battle on a day to day, and sometimes minute by minute is beyond my comprehension. I can't imagine being an addict and being in recovery. I don't think that I would have the strength to be a recovering addict. I'm not sure I could win that one. Remember his recovery is up to him, not us. What is our responsibility is our recovery.
Learning to detach is one of the hardest but most useful tools I have learned here. Now that hubby is sober I still apply my Alanon tools. Just because you told him to leave doesn't mean that you stopped loving him. You did what was best for you. You will learn the difference between being lonely and being alone. Abbyal did a great post last year about being ready for his sobriety. I have that printed out as a reminder to me. Keep in mind we all slip. Heaven knows I have slipped so much that it's a good thing that I have lots of padding back there.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
P.S. Melodie Beattie's books: The Language of Letting Go and More on the Language of Letting Goare wonderful meditation books.
-- Edited by Karilynn at 18:34, 2007-04-25
-- Edited by Karilynn at 18:37, 2007-04-25
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
The "what if's" is what had me roped in. It took me all of eight years to let go and to realize that he was NOT going to change. When my bestfriend died (female) died of alcoholism it was then that it really hit me that that's when he was going to quit. He had to die first, was I willing to stick around and watch that? I don't think I could have, even with having children with him. So the ONLY thing I hadn't tried was to completley break it off, no phone calls, no seeing him, no holidays, nothing. I told him that if he was ever going to get sober he was going to have to do it for himself and that I would know. I would see his skin color change back to normal, I would see that he was no longer shaking, I would be able to see his was not "white knuckling" it. He eventually did it. He's on his second go around and has been sober for 100 something days........he's learned that I would walk without a doubt in his mind. I have bettered myself, I lost weight, great new hair style, better attitude thanks to my church and he saw this and knows that I do not "need" him to make myself great. He know realized that he was a part of my life that complements me and that's it and if he could not complement the lifestyle I was living then he had to go. It was really simple.
I'm pretty straight forward so please don't take offense.. I couldn't help but notice your post was 90% about "him", "his" program (or lack of) and how "he" should be doing it (according to you) and "his" slipping.
I didn't see anything about "your" boundaries, "your" program. Waiting for him to mess up so you can walk? What would be enough? How many times? It seems your boundaries are unclear or at the very least blurred. Having clear boundaries gives you a clear path.
Do you go to f2f and utilize that support system and program?
It only works if you work it!!
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
