The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The simplest way I have thought to discover and enforce my boundaries is from a desire to care and nurture myself.
I have started to notice things like: what interrupts my sleep, what conversation topics leave me feeling depleted, when do I stop eating food that is good for me, what increases my anxiety?
Since my boundaries are to protect and care for myself, I count on myself to notice and complete my boundary. I may need to remind myself that I set an 11 p.m. bed-time, or decide to change the topic or leave a conversation that's depleting me, etc. As I enforce my self-made boundaries for myself, I begin to notice what interferes with my boundaries then this is when I communicate my boundaries to others.
I am very slowly trying to get the hang of this boundary thing--and I have to remind myself progress, not perfection and it's o.k. for boundaries to be flexible.
I would welcome hearing stories and encouragement around boundaries!
Boundaries have been a challenge for me. I grew up with a very controlling mom and a father who was raised by an A father. We had a nice family all around, but boundaries were crossed, walked over, broken through, whatever- all the time. As an adult, my mother still has to be reminded to "butt-out".
I think one the best things I've done to establish a boundary is stop my mother from giving me unwanted advice. It was hard at first. I had to learn to "say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean"...she tends of course to be a grudge holder too! But now, when she offers me advice on anything, I don't respond. I simply change the subject.
Thanks for making me think about keeping these boundaries.
When I started setting boundaries is when I got stronger. It was more of a game per se for myself. I had a hard time with sticking with my own boundaries. I was amazed half the time when I stuck to my own boundaries. I couldn't believe I had it in me. I thought I was weak. Once I got my boundaries in place I started taking care of myself and realized how important I was. Good luck to you. (((HUGS)))
For me the hardest part about boundary setting was actually knowing what my boundaries were.
I had to take time to get to know what I liked & didn't like, what I could live with & couldn't live with and the biggest lesson of all was that boundaries could CHANGE. What was acceptable for me today, may not be acceptable for me tomorrow, because as we all know circumstances change. And that's ok. I just have to be willing to change and take care of me.
Just like unacceptable behaviors - to an A nothing is unacceptable behavior - I have to let them know that their actions are unacceptable behaviors and that I am uncomfortable being around them when they are participating in those types of behaviors.
Very difficult for someone who would rather blend into the wallpaper - but recovery has help me venture out of my shell. Stand up for that inner self that deserves to be respected.
It is a process - give yourself time - the fact that you are trying is awesome - keep working on it. Some people become naturals at it - me, not so much yet - still pushes me out of my comfort zone - but it is rewarding afterwards when I have voiced my limitations, boundaries and acceptable behaviors. Not that they are always respected, but at least I have stood up for myself. And that is an accomplishment.
Hope that you continue to work on your growth in this area - give yourself a "High Five" & a "Pat on the Back" for the progress so far!!!
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
