The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope this is OK, it's not a legal forum. I'm having trouble with finding out where to start. I will seek out a lawyer BUT want to be educated first.
My A and I are not legally married. We've been together cohabitating since 6/00. We did not get married then b/c he was (is) still married to his first wife, a Japanese lady who basically left him for the same reasons I'm done with him too. This is very embarassing to me, that I was desperate enough for him to put up with this situation. Even worse, when we moved up here to Idaho, I invited him to put his name on the title to the house/property. The house sold in California was my house free and clear, in my name only, and that is how we bought THIS place and set up the farm.
I have no idea about the laws concerning a legal separation from him. Neither California nor Idaho recognize common law marraige.
I'm just trying to google on line stuff, and don't have an idea of what to search FOR.
I basically know I'm screwed, the legal covenant of marraige really protects you going both ways. I guess I've come to grips with this, am working on forgiving myself for the lack of care I gave to myself, lack of protection, all that. It's one of those dirty little secrets I've kept, but no more.
I want to approach a lawyer 'knowing what I'm talking about' in a general way. Any experience or suggestions? I am struggling with feeling passive about this . . . 'well,' says the semi-mean voice of Reality, 'this is what happens when you don't look out for number One.'
If we were legally married, I'd start divorce proceedings in a heartbeat. There must be some precedents set SOMEWHERE, I know I'm not the only one who has been here. TIA!
I don't have any immediate experience here--but since you talked about feeling shame and embarrassment over not taking care of yourself--one thought would be to start at a Woman's Law Clinic (they have these sometimes in big cities) or perhaps the local Women's Resource Center could direct you to a feminist lawyer--someone who is empathetic to these kinds of situations. I bet someone with an expertise in this area could really offer you a lot of guidance without being condescending or shaming you.
And, tell that semi-mean voice of yours--so what, I didn't take care of myself then; I am doing it now!!!
You don' t need to know anything before u see a lawyer as u said all states are different anyway , that is why u get a lawyer to find out where u stand . I ahve a feeling that if his name is on the title you will have to either buy him out or sell the property and share in profits if any but I also think if u can prove that you paid for the home personally , that part may be protected ,if property has gone up in value u may have to split that with him . HOpe u kept all your papers etc . paper trails can sometimes be a good thing . good luck Louise
Kim, do not wait to be "educated" in the applicable law before you see a lawyer. That is what the lawyer is for. He/she will educate you. Good luck. I do hope everything works out well for you.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi Kim, Please hurry to a lawyer and learn what u can do now to help yourself. The sooner the better. I am sure you are not the first person to make this choice. Waiting might be your biggest mistake. Best Wishes and God Bless, Carol
What does the bf think? Would he be willing to sign a quick claim deed? That entitles you to the house. Be careful though, make sure there are no liens on the home. Sometimes companies can put liens on your home and they have to be settled if you sell or refinance and in some cases the "other" person such as your bf may have liens against him which would be on the home and if you quick claim the house in your name only then the debts are all yours now, not his. I'm not sure how your laws in your state work but it's usually half....unless, you can prove that YOU made all the payments and your the one that kept up the house (out of pocket). The market is really bad right now here so I'm not sure what it is in your neck of the woods but selling sometimes isn't the best way. I hope you find the answers your looking for. There are lots of attorneys that will give you a free consultation. Also, there are legal aide services for people who can not afford attorneys.........again, I don't know if they are for "common law" Lots of luck to you.
I tried the self educating bit before I sought a lawyer. I found an absorbent amount of information that basically made no sense to me. I went to a lawyer, paid my initial consultation fee, explained my situation and received all of my options. After that, I was able to sit and think on my next move. So in learning from my experience, go ahead and contact a lawyer. That way you are sure to have all of the correct information to act on.
I live in Idaho. Maybe the laws have changed, but when I was in high school, the laws in Idaho stated that if you lived together you had a common law marriage. Idaho IS a Community property state.
When I divorced my ex, I was able to keep the house only because I could prove the trail of ownership (and probably more because he was reasonable).
There is a Legal Aid Hotline out of Boise which can at least point you in the right direction, and maybe give you a little insight. I am not sure of the number, but I imagine you can find it online.
Also, if there is a women's shelter in your area, they can be an invaluable source of information. Even though my situation was not one of abuse, they were still able to help me.
If you want to PM me, I can tell you the name of the womens shelter here where I live, and maybe they have information about one in your area.
Thanks for all the fantastic replies! There are law offices in the nearest town, and I'll call them and get a referral. I've been struggling with being too passive, and tho I wanted to respond last night to the replies, I didn't because I'm in the middle of a new awareness. I really DON'T want to end this relationship . . . but I MUST. At least at the level of shared resources.
Idaho no longer recognizes common law unless it was established prior to 1996. The 'trail of ownership' is a hopeful thing, that will be no problem to prove.
I also noticed SHAME makes me passive, head buried in the sand. I am ashamed of being with and staying with a guy who refused (basically) to divorce his first wife and marry me, yet I gave him free access to my body and my soul and my assets. He got a pretty damn good deal. And it's the same old story for me, too. I NEVER tell people, except you guys, that we are not really married. I've struggled with "you did this to YOURSELF" which is true, but I guess I expected some lawyer to just tell me Sorry honey, you're screwed.
So, y'all can be there for me while I struggle to be accountable. I'll post when I get a response from a lawyer just to stay on track. I'm so sad that it has come to this.
