The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in this place before, and am sure I will be in it again. I do not know why I have such a difficult time with not knowing. Currently my AH is "clean and sober" but I have serious doubts. I know he is not attending meetings or working a program. History tells me that the emotional/mental relapse has already begun, the physical will follow. Has it already? I am beginning to think so. This is the part I hate. I hate not knowing. Ok, active or not, I think I can deal with better. It is this limbo. Maybe this is what it will be like. Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Hating it and needing to face it. I don't know. They say that people use their program and stay with the active A in their life. They say that people embrace sobriety. Well what if you are in a constant state of limbo. Is he? Isn't he? When will the next shoe drop? It makes me crazy. Hey guess what - Step one- in the works - again!!!! My life is unmanageable.
Just looking for some ESH from those who have been where I am. I think I am crazy but right at this moment I would be happy if he walked in the door stumbling drunk, at least I would know.
Is he or isn't he? It really dosent matter , his sobriety can not be the reason you are happy ,that is way to much pressure for anyone . You don't say if u are attending meetings for yourself , if not I hope u will consider getting your own program and focusing on your needs for a change . It says in our opening tht it is possible to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not - I didn't believe that when i came here but have found it to be true. When I look at m y part in the relationship and fix what i can ME my life is good. regardless of what he is doing . does what he does affect my life? of course it does but not to the extent it did prior to getting into this program. I have choices to day , to stay and be miserable or to stay and be happy. I chose to stay and have not been sorry we have sobriety in our home and I would have missed so much had I left . Try our program get happy and see what happens , our attitude can often encourage the alcoholic to seek sobriety either way it's a win win situation for me . I become the person I want to be wether he is drinking or not . I was in Al-Anon 2-1/2 yrs before my husb sought sobriety and I was happy when he decided to take the plunge but today his sobriety is a bonus not what makes me happy that is my job. good luck Louise Neither AA or Al-Anon promises to save a relationship only to return sanity to our lives .
Confused, So sorry you are feeling this way. But I think Louise said it best. Focus on yourself. We can't control whether they stay sober. But being strong yourself, may help him stay sober.
Right! Your condition is about you and not him. Been there...done that, go back at times and do it again and not nearly as often and stuck as I used to be thanks to this spiritual recovery program.
Some things I learned to do. When I was soooo sure I knew? I learned to ask the humility question. Could I be wrong?
Practice self focusing when I was focusing (compulsively) on her. Man was that constant and crazy and over time with practice it became more easy. She was responsible for her life and choices and I wasn't sooooo let her go.
Practice giving her the dignity. Honor her for who she was like I wanted to be honored with all the good stuff and ugly stuff all rolled up in the same tamale. That mean't loving her with compassion and understanding and grace and not only with the do goodie stuff.
Keep my mind on the reality of the disease and not practice denial about what it was, what it is and what it will continue to be FOR ME if I take my focus and practice off of being led by my HP and the program.
Study up on the difference between submission and surrender and memorize what it is. "Submission is the letting go on a conscious level with the thinking that there will come a time when I will be able to continue control, while surrender is the letting go on the sub-conscious and deepest level and that I was never in control, never would be incontrol and that the only hope I ever would have would be in the turning the person or situation over to a power greater than myself. (This was a painful process to me...like going thru a surgery to remove a cancer without anesthesia willing to deal with the fear of doing something I had never done with the hope that I could survive it. I am still alive see! I hurt like hell and not as much as the joy of healing.)
She would never have a chance to stand upright and reach recovery with me riding her back telling her that I was trying to help. Get off of his back.
Learn as much about the different levels of detachment that you are going thru until you reach the level of detachment with love. Detachment with suspicion; detachment with anger and disinterest; detachment with love which could mean the "complete and total acceptance of any other human being for exactly who they are." So you get to practice that with everyone and the alcoholic. Detachment is not only an artform but also a characteristic that when it is present and being practiced is evidence of recovery.
Of course there is much much more. This is a big big family and the ESH is wide. From the closing statement for our face to face meetings "...if you keep and open mind, you will find help."
Thank you all so much for the ESH. Lots to think about, lots to read on. I went to a meeting tonight, one of my regular ones and the topic was obsession. We get what we need. LOL. Came home and exercised, and am now ready to crawl into bed with my book and read for oh about 35 seconds before I am off to sleep. First day back to work after spring vacation, should be a doozy, need to rest up.
I also can only share my own personal experience and when times were like that it was the worst it mentally made me sicker and sicker. The one thing that someone told me that still rings true is that it will show in his actions if he's serious. They will do EVERYTHING it takes to become sober. They don't just sit around and tough it out. They get up and go to meeting after meeting and they make phone calls to their sponsor/sponsors. They occupy their time with healthy things, they work on their relationship with their wife and children. Otherwise if they are not doing these things they are what is considered a dry drunk. A dry drunk just hangs around angry or bitter and waits for things to change around him while he does nothing thinking that just not having a drink is being sober. It's not true, Being sober is WORKING the program. When he is finally ready you will feel it around you. You will see him changing and making changes for himself. You will be able to tell because becoming sober is not easy, it's work. Good luck.
awsome . Louise