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This is not meant to be a snarky question. I am engaged to someone who has developed a problem since we met. I am having a hard time leaving, but when I read this board I see so much pain that I feel I can avoid. Why do you stay married to/ in a love relationship with your A?
Hi Simplyme, you're liable to get a bazillion different answers to that question. I'll tell you my own reasons which are probably pretty common.
I am not staying around because I hope my A will hopefully eventually someday get better and turn back into the man I loved. I'm staying because of a committment I made, to myself, and for the love of my farm. I've made it clear to him I want him to leave, that the relationship is over in my heart. He refuses to leave. That's why I'm still "with him". Yes, I love him. But it has little to do with what I need to do for me.
The jist is I'm not going to abandon my life and start back over at my age. I did nothing wrong, and by all his actions he's the one that left the relationship, not me. I doubt leaving would be 'easier' or 'better' in the long run, in fact I know it wouldn't be. It's a practical decision, not based on avoiding pain. I guess I don't believe I can avoid pain anymore :D, in a philosophical sense anyway. I left two other relationships in my past, and I'm just done leaving. My next step is to retain a lawyer and see what can be done to create a legal parting of ways (we are in a common law marraige).
In the end, it's up to you -- what are you willing to put up with to get what you want? Or need? It takes the same strength and stamina to leave (IMHO) as it does to stay. I'm not dealing with violence or hard drugs in the house . . . I'd be in a different situation if I were, and would have handled it differently long ago.
I am pretty sure that a lot will disagree with my answer, but here is my truth:
I stay because I have left relationships with A's in the past, and now here I am again in the same place with another one. This one, despite the challenges of A-ism "fits" me and "gets" me better than anyone I have ever been with. I believe that there are certain lessons you need to learn fully in life to progress, and that since I keep coming as far as this but never further, that I need to stay the course and learn the lessons that come next. I believe for me that that means keeping the commitments that I have made and not bailing out when things get challenging. Plus, I still love my husband deeply, and am fully committed to going through whatever we need to go through together.
I stayed for some good reasons, and some bad ones.
I love him, and our kids love him. He was always a pretty good dad, even if not present a lot of the time - he was gentler with the kids than I was, for example. He was always a good provider. He's charming, and fun, and shares many of my values. His job took him away a lot, so I could always hold out in the short term, knowing he'd be gone for a month or so any time. Except for the very worst times - one period of about a year and a half, and odd bits of two or three months now and then - we always had a fair amount of good in with the bad. I was used to him, and scared of raising two kids on my own. I was scared to leave - I knew he wouldn't let us go easily, and he holds grudges. There were ways in which his Aism fit into my own needs - I am not very good at intimacy, and an A is not ever going to push for more of that than I was willing to give. Then there is the 'frog in the pot of boiling water' aspect - it gets worse gradually, and in fits and starts.
i think the children are the big factor, both for staying and for leaving. I believe strongly in the alanon precept not to give advice, but I would say, to anyone - don't bring children into an alcoholic relationship. They become like hostages.
my story is that I do and accept that I do still love my wife. what I also have changed is my mind about wanting to live my life wrought with addiction, lies, and manipulation, along with it.
my friend/sponsor told me this about a marriage/relationship: There has to be some measure of justice and equality to maintain a lifetime not filled with resentment.
i would've resented the one-sidedness all of my life. an addict is ego-centric, that is just the nature of the beast.
take what you like and leave the rest, love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I stayed with my ah(sober) because we had children together and I had to do everything before I gave up. If I did not have children then I would not have caused myself such pain and would have RAN to the nearest exit. I've had eight years of hell and now he is sober, I believed in him and knew that my best friend was in there. Just when I let go of him and was moving on he got sober and has stayed sober. I hope you find the answer your looking for. Life with an alcoholic is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It can make YOU mentally crazy. Good luck sweets.
Just to give you a different perspective. In my situation, I think having had a daughter with my A, changed what I would put up with. I didn't think I deserved better, but it was clear to me that my daughter does. Everyone's situation is different and there are all kinds of extenuating circumstances. In my case, in my heart, I don't believe that this man that I have loved, is the love of my life. That has all to do with the alcoholism and nothing to do with the alcoholism.
What helped me to figure out what to do for myself, was to embrace alanon. I started by making a commitment to go to six different face to face meetings in six weeks. Then choose on of those meetings and start going once a week. A sponsor was key for me too. I am horrible at reaching out...it does not come naturally for me at all, but it was necessary for me to start seeing things clearly.
I am glad you are here and posting. Keep coming back!
I just want to say this. Even if it doesn't seem right, it is how I honestly feel. I stay because I feel I don't have a choice. When things get bad I beat myself up for not being able to leave. We have kids, we are a family. And he wont let me go. Or he will, but it'll be me kicked to the curb with no kids and no house. I tried to have him leave once, that didn't go so well. He wont go. I was a real social loner when I found alanon. I barely left the house without the AH. Recovery for me means having a choice. WHat I do then is up to me. Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
The answers to this question are a numerous as the loved ones who stay.
I did not know my husband had a drinking problem when we married. He was 25 years sober, so didn't see a need to share that part of his past with me. When he fell, it nearly killed me. I had zero experience with problem drinking, and I had no idea where to turn. One thing I knew for sure; I had to remove myself from the responsibility for his stupid actions. so I divorced him. He binges you see, and between his "gentleman's vacations," he is sober as the proverbial judge. Now I can stay with this man I love with a clear-thinking mind, knowing that at any time I can insist he leave. The house is mine; the cars are mine; the money is mine. Good place to be coming from. He has been sober nearly a year now, and all is good. I truly love his sober self, so it is a one-day-at-a-time situation. He does not physically abuse me or the dogs, doesn't gamble or waste the money, is not unfaithful; doesn't break the law...Well that's not entirely true. He has been known to drive drunk which prompted me to divorce him in the first place.
The last time he took a three-day binge, I knew I was going to ask him to go, but I didn't. I hate him when he is drunk, and love him passionately when he is sober.
But I can say this....Had I known beforehand about my A's drinking I never would have married him. I had been widowed for many years, and was doing fine on my own. Do I regret that I married him? No. But I would like to have had the opportunity to make a wise choice, and I am afraid I will always, deep in my heart, resent him for not telling me the truth. If I were you, I would high tail it!!!!!!
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 23:14, 2007-04-21
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Dear, for me, aism is a brain disease. If he had cancer in his brain, I would not leave him, so why for aism?
I have loved my A and he me since we were teenagers. Been thru about everything two people could together.
After wars and babies and friends dieing, pets dieing, family dieing, we got married in 99. He was sober in AA and had a very strong program.
He was my best friend, lover, boyfriend, sibling, everything, he was that to me and I to him. two peas in a pod.
found a brain tumor two mo. after we married, had it removed. When he woke up, he was not my pea in the pod anymore.
We struggled and I was in denial. He had a medical relapse, plus he was brain damaged.
I stayed and did everything I could, tried everything, as he did until I Knew I gave it my all. I could not let go until I knew I was ready.
I got where I did not mind the smell of alcohol, all I cared about was he was next to me in our double recliner holding my hand.
But he began getting very physically abusive. I am a very calm person, not aggressive at all, assertive but not into yelling or putting people down or fighting, not my nature. His disease would have killed me.
So I showed him the door. then last summer he was in jail long enough to get sober and I saw my husband again. He was loving, sent me love letters. I was not giving in. Then after awhile I let go and was ready to go for it again.
When he got out, he did not come to me. He went to drugs, and is using this not lady to live with. tore me apart big time.
So that is my story....
and right now my tummy hurts becuz i miss him so much.
I know we cannot tell you what to do. If I knew about aism I would never have married him never. Would have loved him, but not have invested my whole self in him.
aism took my man, my home, my vehicles, my financial security, my health, everything. It has taken me a very long time to get where I am not sick and crying every day.
And right now, I would give about anything to see him and be held by him. And wake up and him be in my pod....sigh love,debilyn
Such an individual choice. My AHsober left so I didn't have a "should I stay or leave" choice. I at times felt trapped in my marriage and didn't know what to do. We are separated and he is having the life of Reilly. It has been a struggle for me on my own. He hasn't filed divorce papers after all his threats I think that he gets some kind of bang out of threats. I on the other hand love an alcoholic and believe in marriage. I can't stop the divorce. But I don't have to buy into something I don't value. I grew in my marriage and evidently he felt stifled. And the kids. Ours are grown but there is still a huge impact that my AHsober refuses to acknowledge. I am trusting my HP to guide me in this decision.
I'm not going to. I made AH move out 3 months ago when he refused treatment and went to see a lawyer. AH then went into treatment and after seeing how well he was doing I let him come back. 2 months of red flags sent me to do a search of his vehicle...in it I found condoms, cards from another woman and a bottle a vodka that had been purchased that day and 3/4 gone. If alcoholism, a disease, was all there was and he was honest with me I may have stayed but I can't live with dishonestly, and lack of trust. I and my children deserve better....yes we will be poor and I will be lonely but it will be so much better than the pain and he** I've been living in.
I stayed because I knew no better. I was naieve. My self esteem was/is low. I didn't realise this at the time. I guess I thought it was better to have someone than to have no one. I thought he loved me, how could I walk away from someone who loved me I used to think. I loved him too. Thats why I stayed....
I don't think I ever had just one reason for staying. Sometimes you don't know your breaking point till you get there, know what I mean? I must have been almost there, because I was ready to leave once, but then my AH actual began to show remorse for his drinking, and he admitted to knowing that it was destroying our marriage. It gave me hope that he would be soon be ready to get help. So I guess the answer to your question is hope.
I agree with Diva - I would run, run, run. Not easy to do when you care for someone. Dry drunks can be hard to live with, too. I married my H because I wasn't educated about alcoholism and didn't realize what I was getting into.
This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I, like others here, am just giving you my truthful answer to your question. My reaction to my AH almost killed me and probably would have if I hadn't found Al-Anon.
Just being in love with an A causes pain so I'm sorry for your pain - take care of yourself - keep posting.
I stayed for a while because he sought recovery. But then after numerous relapses I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't and don't have it in me to live with an active A. I told him to leave. I didn't stop loving him, but the active life is not for me.
Fast foward almost a year, and he is living the sober life and at home. But should he go back to that other life, I would do the same all over again, and have him leave.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
