The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He went 68 days sober out of rehab before relapsing so this is not a HUGE milestone except he is going to AA and working the steps this time.
My issue....When he is drunk he is affectionate, remorseful, tells me he loves me, misses me (we have been seperated since August)
Since his sobriety...he does not tell me he loves me. He expresses no affection. We had a date night last weekend and ended up being intimate. but...tonight he came by to see the kids, no kiss, no hug, no nothing!
He tells me he is depressed, tired, unmotivated. Says he feels like he doesnt smile any more.
I am trying not to take this personeal. I realize he is dealing with sooo much. But it hurts. When he is drinking...I dont want to be around him but he poors his heart out to me.
When he is sober...I miss him and want him and he has nothing to give me.
Will we ever be able to be "us" again?
so so sad tonight. I miss my husband. Can he only love me when he is drunk? help
Any chance of your hubby going to a Dr. about his depression? My A has been on antidepressants since his sobriety. I don't think it's an uncommon thing to feel that way newly sober.
hope it gets better.. Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I so relate to your post. My (ex) A runs exactly the same way.Drinking .... He could express all his emotion and love for me with apparent ease.........when he got sober for 70 days before his last relapse which finally ended our relationship,he was so depressed and withdrawn and often downright nasty. It's a very confusing place to be for us and, I believe, for them too.
Like Christy suggested,I also attempted to get my A to speak to a doctor about anti-depressants to help him through this phase. Unfortunately I live in Turkey and all medical treatment has to be paid for. A was out of work,and when I offered to pay for him to see a Doctor,he got really mad and refused to take that route. He said that if he had anything like that on his medical record it would destroy any opportunity he would have to get a job. I don't believe that was true. He was scared. Plain and simple. Since we split up he has told me that he believed he was going mad.......and he didn't accept it was the drink that was altering his perceptions. He was still in denial about the alcoholism,hence the relapse.
14 months later,A is attempting sobriety again for the first time since we parted..........and is again very depressed. I am praying he may have learned something and suggested a visit to a doctor. His response is that he will think about it. We aren't together now and I am in a healthier place emotionally. So it's easier for me to be lovingly detached. All our dialogue takes place on the internet or telephone calls.He is living 16 hours driving away. I know if I was seeing him I would get sucked back in and I understand how hard it is to be intimate with the man you love,then blanked as if you don't exist.It hurts!!
I'm glad to hear your A is going to AA during this attempt to get sober. Hopefully he will speak to his own sponsor about how he is feeling and be guided towards seeking a solution for the depression,which is not uncommon when they first stop drinking.
Angel what hubby is going thru is perfectly normal I lovingly call it Stark Raving Sober. the first few months are especially tough ,depression is normal , not being able to show affection is perfectly normal , shame and guilt for his past behavior are major causes for this . Be patient , don't expect too much too soon and enjoy the sobriety . I hope u are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself , u need to talk to people f2f who have been where your at. Now that hubby is sober he may be willing to sit with the kids whilel u attend a meeting . You too need to recover. We print an amazing book called THE DILEMA OF THE ALCOHOLIC MARRIAGE u will find one at your meetings it talks alot about comminication and about before and after sobriety , that book was and still is invaluable to me in my relationship with sober husb. hope u can find one there is another book called Living with Sobriety , fantastic book that helped me alot with expectaions . its a easy read and a small booklet. good luck keep the focus on your needs and u will be fine . Dont for get to enjoy the good days . Louise
Thank you all for your responses. it is comforting to know that what he is going through is normal. We have been seperated since August and have really rode the roller coaster since then.
My ah has seen a doctor and is supposed to get some blood work done. We know he has had problems with low testosterone which adds to the depression and exhaustion.
I am going to Al-anon, reading my ODAT and CTC and working on my first step. I am also in the process of reading the Dilema of the Alcoholic Marraige so I guess I am doing the right things.
He has put me through so much pain in the past 10 months that I am hust so scared to have any more. I am dealing with the betrayal of an affair, my h telling me he doesnt love me any more etc. Lots of self-destructive behavior from him.
he has since apologized, should much remorse, professed his love for me and his desire to save our M. But I feel like I am still waiting for another shoe to drop.
He has asked if we could go get coffee tomorrow and "chat" He wants to talk about where we stand and iron things out. I asked if I should be worried and he said no.
but...I am still worried. I am anxious and projecting all sorts of scenerios.
Maybe he just wants to talk about what he is going through and explain his emotional distance. But maybe he wants to say goodbye....
I need to get out of my head.
Thanks all. I really need some encouragement here.
Angel; I agree that this is completely normal when they get sober. Alot of alcoholics used alcohol as a "social lubricant" and now that they don't have it any more have to re-learn how to interact with people. I think intimacy tends to be especially challenging because it is so real now without the haze that used to accompany it.
I totally understand the fear that the withdrawal means that he is done. I go through that all the time, which I think is a product of MY dysfuntion in dealing with alcoholism. I tend to write these movies with me as the center of the universe...all is my fault, my cause, my problem. My experience thus far has been that it is not about me - that he has his own stuff to deal with. One of the things I have to constantly remind myself of is the three C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it.
