The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, today I think I have been more 'confused' and had the most mixture of feelings than I have since I started Al-anon. I'm assuming this is normal.
Last night A fiance got home. He looked like crap. I just look into his eyes and see despair, sadness, hurt, pain. I had a talk with him and basically told him that no longer will I be an enabler in him destroying his life. That I have found out what I need to do to heal me. That I do not want our son to grow up with an active A father. I set a boundry that if he comes home intoxicated I will walk him out and lock the door...or not open the door at all. He understood and thought it was fair and that nobody should put themselves through it.
He said he knew he had a problem, and was glad I realized I couldn't control his decision not to get help. This statement made me a little angry. But I said nothing and let him talk.
After our conversation I gave our son a bath and got into bed. I read my bible and prayed.
I'm still plagued by anger, resentment, confusion, hurt, disappointment, pain and sadness.
Anger - because he wont get help; because I asked him to take our sons carseat with him in case he needs to pick him up and he didnt...because he's going golfing (his excuse..."i told you earlier this week I'm golfing"....and because my Project Manager just told me that we have a delivery to our client and he's certain it will be after 5pm...I have to pick my son up by 6:30... Resentment - for all that I ALLOWED him to put me through for all these years Confusion - I don't know how to act around him. I don't know if I want to stay in this situation. I find it hard to look at him with love instead of anger/resentment. because I still do love him and find it hard not to contact him (although easier than these last 3 days) Hurt - for what his disease has done to me, him, my family, our son, his family; for him not seeking help; for allowing myself to be put through so much Disappointment - that he has not yet truly accepted his disease. I asked him if he still says that he was not drinking on Monday...all he said was 'I wasn't drunk'. I had the urge to say 'funny, because people that are just drinking and not drunk dont pee on thier kids stool and on the carpet'. But I held my tongue b/c what good would that do. Pain - coming to grips with the fact that he has got this disease and what I've put up with for so long; for the possibility he may never decide to get better; for the possibility that I may have to pick up and leave with our son; that my love doesn't feel the same; that i have no idea how he truly feels and that i want to know that Sadness - *sigh...I have lost my best friend...he lies...he's smoking, and I don't think I can rely on him...b/c I can't....
Through all these emotions, I am grateful and happy at the same time for MY recovery. For getting closer to ME and GOD. For knowing what I need to do to heal...and for seeking those resources....I am truly proud of MYSELF.
On top of all of this, my car's battery light kept flickering on and off this morning. I am going to check my car during lunch and pray it will turn on, and that I can make it to pick my son up and go home.
For now, I am going to continue to focus on taking it one MINUTE at a time...and try not to let my mind ramble into this afternoon or tomorrow or next week. I will continue listening to my gospel music (Thank GOD our local station streams online...I panicked this morning for a second when I couldn't find the "Listen Live" button, but I remained calm, found it, and now it feels good to be able to listen to it...because it helps)
I am going to focus on ME...and, my birthday is coming up (tuesday)....so I will think of something to do for myself that evening...even if it has to be with my son.
*sigh...today, is still a better day than yesterday...so for that...I am thankful.
Sorry, for the question part...i mean, how do i act around him? i want to be intimate but not with him (not with anybody else)...i mean but not with the him that is deciding not to get help.....
You are doing great!! I hear you actively working with Alanon ideas and principles, no easy feat! And your reliance on God is a gift.
Your feelings are completely NORMAL, and I relate personally with every one of them! There's no right or wrong way to feel, and you are working hard to gain insight into them. Let the feelings be, you don't have to DO anything about them but acknowlege them.
There's no right way to act around him. With your new understandings you probably feel awkward and 'different' around him, but let that mellow. There is nothing different to do. If you don't want to sleep with him, don't sleep with him, and do sleep with him if you want. There's no one thing you can do or say that will change his situation for the better or worse, the process belongs to him and HP or God. The point is how you act, what you do affects YOU, and that's who you are taking care of right now.
Keep up your excellent hard work. It will pay off. Don't be hard on yourself when you find that you are not 'perfect' in your working the program, there is no perfect way to work it. It is progress that you are after. Take care!
Look to your motives, and you will find it easier to know how to act. If you find that you are trying to punish him, to get back at him, to manipulate his actions, to 'make' him do, or think, or realize something, then that is not a good basis for action. If you are keeping thefocus on YOU and your own feelings, then it should be OK.
For instance, in the case of physical intimacy; if you are withholding sex in order to show him that he can't treat you like that, that is manipulative. If you are not having sex with him because you find it hard to relax and trust him, and you just don't feel loving, that is NOT manipulative, and is just honouring your own feelings. It may look exactly the same from the outside, but is very different from inside.
If you find it possible to enjoy him and love him for what he is, drinking and all, then there is nothing wrong with continuing to love him, and showing it. If you find that resentment overwhelms you, even when using alanon tools, then you might want to think seriously about ending the relationship. My feeling mostly was "I don't care what he does, I just care what he does to ME" and I was able to stay in my marriage, through many years of active drinking and drugging. I never really minded if he was drunk, I only didn't want him to be abusive. That's me. You will have to find our for yourself what really matters to you.
