The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been STRUGGLING daily with a depressed feeling for a couple of weeks, low energy, obsessing in the same old way about the A, feeling like I'm in a stuffy cotton bag. Not long ago I made a breakthrough in terms of detatchment and felt some blessed peace . . . but since I threw a mega temper tantrum at the A when he returned from his last binge, it's like I couldn't get my feet back under me.
It was so wonderful to not have those constant ruminations in my head about the A, what he was doing to us, me, himself. I had freedom from these obsessive thoughts even though he was right there in the house with me, throwing his clothing and shoes and papers and marijuana paraphernalia all over the place. So I know it's possible. But it was like I couldn't seem to get back there. Considering my situation, it's a wonder I COULD experience a minute of serenity . . . I have an A probably in some end stage of his condition who refuses to leave, and I can't physically throw him out. I have "our dream" of a little farm and livestock, with seven goats who'll kid beginning at the end of April, and I'll be damned if I'm leaving this blessed, stinky, happy little world we created. He isn't violent, and I've gone through the "this is his legal residence" stuff with the sheriff, so here we are.
Today while I was shtupping buckets of water around it hit me that I'm just absolutely terrified. And while I am in fear and obsession mode, I don't have enough left over to focus on what REALLY terrifies me . . . stepping out to begin to make this farm make a little income from eggs, goat kids, goat milk, and several other things. None will do much more than buy feed and materials for the farm, but it's the risk of putting myself out there. Advertising, networking, announcing.
My insight in a nutshell, was it's more comfortable to obsess and rage silently at the A than to put myself out there and get wings on my plans for this farm. It wouldn't be the first challenge I've ever avoided . . . but I'm wondering if I'm in la la land or crazy to think I can do this -- all completely new to me -- with an A who literally can't function enough to follow through with simple tasks (resulting in messes, broken tools, teetering piles of whatever).
I KNOW my situation is almost unbearable even to the most positive person. Am I expecting way too much out of myself? Detatchment or no, living in an 1100 square foot "cabin" in the middle of north Idaho wilderness with a truly deranged and sick man is going to be a drain. More of a drain by far that living up here by myself. But I don't always get what I want and daily work on accepting my circumstances as they are.
What I want to do is put my head down and bulldoze my way through all the crap and drama to bring about this new precious dream I'm just beginning to live, and just hold tight through the turbulence. I no longer hope much the A will get a grip . . . he's been to rehab five or six times, the last time with me throwing him in, and his efforts to stay sober are only days long at this point, and of course he doesn't like the AA groups up here . . . you know the story. He'll buy drugs from a cop, or get shot or killed in a car accident on these mountain roads, or he'll actually start getting well . . . I don't care much believe it or not, I just pray for the strength to outlast his disease, and outlast my own resistances and fears, to come out the other side without him and the tragedy of his condition.
This turned into a vent and a plea, so much for my intention to focus on the insight :D . It's hard to stay on track when I know everyone here understands and thinks it's OK to just let it all out sometimes. Thanks so much for listening.
I can relate to everything you have written. It is hard and draining to live with an A. I understand. I am listening. I wish I had something more useful to say. Hugs to you, okay?
Even in your struggles you say alot of good things. To be afraid is where alot of us are. To have the courage to continue to follow your dream is awesome. My AHsober had made many plans and shared dreams than he gave up. So there I sit. Are they still my dreams? I don't know. I have alot of fear too. Is it better to not obsess about my AHsober - yes. I am finding that is my HP's responsibility.
In support, Nancy
PS It is nice to know that someone else lives in a rural area.
Aloha Kim... You certainly are qualified for this family. What you are going thru is normal for the partner, spouse, friend or family member of a cronic alcoholic. I use to state, when I was going thru what you are that, "I hate doing the dream all alone!" She wanted the dream also and the disease took all of her participation until be both understood that the next drink to a practicing alcoholic is the dream as is possibly being able to have it without all the problems.
If you are not able to do it with the alcoholic try doing it with members of Al-Anon. Check out the meetings where you are at even if they are some distance off. Get the phone numbers of members that are in your area and check in with them and also with us.
It cetainly is some kind of hell spending all that effort on love that isn't returned and a dream that seems more like a nightmare. I couldn't do it.
You can do it. I know you can. You have your passion right there.
Hey goats milk soap is soooo wonderful. Get angora goats and spin the wool.
You can also felt and dye it and make the coolest vests and blankets.
I have a whole bag to felt, but Tavish my Basset claimed it as his bed. lol
do you have llamas? their wool is great.
it is so sad your A won't be able to enjoy your dream. He probably does not believe he deserves it.
My A, the same. He loved to build and burn the fire, take care of the animals...so sad.
Here I am building my own home, my own way. so sad.
I am glad you shared. Was very nice to read.
wow what in the world do you live on? does he work or you??
If you can crochet, when you felt you can crochet like sleeves on too. My friends spins and cards and all that.
I did not quite get what you are terrified of?
What situation is unbearable??? living so far in the wilderness?
the words you used freaked me out. lol think country, slower, sell your stuff at feed stores, country stores. Put up a website.
there is craigslist, ebay,
you know what kim, one day at a time. do what you want each day, you will grow into your new chapter naturally. not as a challenge, but a new way of life.
I know you will do it, becuz you will love it.
You said something that touched me, you said blessed stinky little world. stinky. but blessed. My place is so muddy. I put almost four hundred dollars of rock, I am still slopping around and yelling everyday I HATE MUD.
but yet blessed. I have a country home, green pastures with yellow buttercups, black cows grazing horses and all munching.
My dogs are happy.
my dream. gotta stop and look at it sometimes you know? take it all in, so we don't miss it.
hugs hon and let me know when ya get your website of cool stuff.
Thanks guys, you all said something that made me smile.
He's really in HPs hands, isn't he? I hope HP squeezes him REAL HARD.
Your words of encouragement about following 'the dream' were very powerful. In fact, nobody said "sell the animals and RUN!" This is what I have always done, and not just with relationships. This is the first time in my life I have planted my feet and refused to be the one to go. It hit me hard that this is my HOME. That this place seems to like me about as much as I like it (it's hard not to take the mud personally tho).
I've been told by a few others who know this situation "I couldn't do it". I have to admit I might not be able to do it. I have my human limits. But that too is in HPs hands. I've been reading Alanon stuff tonight and I realized my fear of the future is not necessary, and I don't have to 'believe it', if you know what I mean.
Debilyn, now you made me laugh! Scared the dog. Funny, you basically outlined my plans . . . or at least the possibilities that I'm contemplating . . . website, little businesses. Up here in the boonies it is a barter economy, which I understand much better than money :D. AH and I been living off of the sale of my house in CA, easy to live cheaply here, unless you have expensive drug habits. TOMORROW, I have to go to town and pick up some geese and will get my own checking acct, then transfer the joint account funds to my own. He is "willing" to go take his name off the account, but of course that's as far as it went.
One of my frustrations lately is that I could not get out of my misery to "stop and look at it". Usually, I spend lots of time doing that, and it's a sign I'm wearing down when I don't. Especially now, when there is so much mud and dead limbs to regard and enjoy :D . We should start getting a flower or two blooming soon enough.
Oh, and Deb you asked what I was terrified of . . . the future. But that's in HPs hands. What is unbearable? Living in a cabin in the woods with an alcoholic/drug addict wacko who pretends to be my husband :( . I think he took off again today as a matter of fact . . . and I'm so relieved it's embarassing. What he's doing to himself out there is just terrible and sad, but I'm just so glad to have a few days peace.
You guys are so wonderful. So glad I found you all here!
