The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Two nights ago it was my mothers birthday, and my AH decided to drink some shots of whisky before going out to dinner with the family. Did I detach with love or even with a hatchet? Not even close. I went off. I started slamming doors and yelling at him about how sick I am of him letting me down every time I count on him to be there, and how I felt like he deliberately sabotaged his presence at the dinner by drinking. I told him that he was absolutely delusional to think that no one would smell the alcohol on him, and that I no longer even wanted him to come. I was mad and in retrospect, kinda crazy too.
What ended up happening was all the ugliness that always goes hand in hand with him drinking and my raging. I got home from dinner to find him not there. He came stumbling in around 1:00 reeking of whisky and told me that he wanted a divorce, etc.
Then the next morning after he sobered up it was coffee in bed, and apologies. Tonight he will probably go to a meeting and he will be sober for a few days. But, I really didnt start this tangent to talk about him. I opened Courage to Change yesterday and it said the following:
I had spent a lot of time yearning for the things I wasnt getting from the alcoholic in my life. As a part of my Alanon recovery, I was encouraged to put those needs on paper. Courtesy, respect, attention, affection, communication my list of areas in which I felt my loved one had let me down went on and on.My sponsor applauded my honesty and suggested that I could bring all the things on my list into my life. The catch: I had to give what I wanted to receive, and become what I wanted to attract. Did I present a shining example of courtesy and all the rest? If not, I had a wonderful list of goals already on paper. I had often heard that we get back what we give, and now I know its true. As I grew kinder and more loving, other people responded to the change. I also felt much better about myself. Today I can honestly say that all the qualities on my list exist in my life at least some of the time. I hadnt expected these results or any others for that matter. I was too busy focusing on myself. I think thats why it worked.
Todays Reminder Today I can take an active role in fulfilling my needs. I can choose to become someone I would want to have in my life.
This spoke to me on so many levels. First of all, it was such clear, clear evidence of my HP at work, telling me, gently, the things I need to hear. And, it put the focus squarely where it needed to be: on myself. I realize that the only person I have any kind of control over is me. It is funny how it always comes back to that first step, and each time my understanding and interpretation of it changes as more layers of understanding are added and it becomes more meaningful to me.
Heres what I can say today: Today I feel calm and clear and know that I have a lot of work to do on myself. Today I can forgive myself for acting out in reaction to an illness I have no control over. Today I can separate the man from the disease, and I am so grateful for that. I pray that my HP and all of you in this forum will help me to grow and learn and develop to the point where I can detach with love and not have to spend so much time taking someone elses inventory. I do live in a glass house and so I better not throw any stones!
