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here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'd like to share a story about my neighbor. Her daughter (30 yrs old) is a heroin addict, an addict is an addict be it alcohol or drugs. It's all the same.
She blames her mother for her addiction. The Mother has never sought any help for herself. Mom accepts the blame the daughter dishes out because when the daughter was young Mom had to work two jobs to support her. The daughter claims her addiction is due to her Mother never being there for her, even though a caring Aunt was with her all the time.
The daughter has been in rehab after rehab starting when she was 15 yrs. old, all funded by her guilt ridden mother. The daughter has a child (2 yrs old) that she doesn't care for. Father unknown. My neighbor cares for him while the daughter shoots up and doesn't come home for weeks at a time. The daughter is able to do this because no one has ever made her responsible for her actions or her child. My neighbor has always rushed in to save her. Time and time again. Mind you, my neighbor is a single woman, 55 yrs. old, divorced. She owns a small pizza place and works from 10:00 a.m to 10:00 p.m. six days a week to make ends meet. Sometimes she takes the baby to work with her, other times she hires a sitter for him or has he sister watch him.
Last weekend the daughter showed up to get her son after a 2 wk absence. My neighbor could tell she was high and refused. She overpowered her mother and took the child. She left the house and then returned 5 min. later in a furry. When the neighbor had the chance, she ran to the car and attempted to get the baby out of the car seat. The addict jumped in the car and took off ...RUNNING OVER HER MOTHER'S LEGS. For once the mother did do the right thing (only because her sister was there and insisted), she called the police and pressed charges. Whether she will drop charges before anything happens is up in the air. When the police caught up with the addict they found 28 syringes beside the child's car seat. The addict is in jail with 5 counts against her and a $16,000 bond.
Guess what the mother did after a phone call from the addict? She went to the jail and put money in her daughters account to make sure she had snacks!!!!!!
This is what carrying guilt, accepting the blame and not making children responsible for their own actions can come to.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 15:01, 2007-04-19
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
It never ceases to amaze me how far an alcoholic/addict will go for that drink or drug nor does it cease to amaze me how far that, we, the family members will go to try to "save" that alcoholic/addict.
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Have this conversation often around here. I keep saying, "you are going to kill her trying to save her." Just makes me the big meanie. Oh well, have big shoulders, don't mind being "mean" if in the end she gets it and is alive. If she doesn't get her shit together, the child (28 years old) will be dead before she is 35.
What a waste of a life.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
This is a problem for HIGHER POWER! Faster than a speeding addict! Able to leap insurmountable objections in a single bound! Able to lift the heaviest burdens!
Maybe a twelfth step and suggestion to attend Al-Anon is in order?
I've lived by this woman 15 yrs. I've made the offer, it's all I can do. She told her sister that she thinks all 12 step groups are a bunch of whiners that sit around bitching about thier lives.
She reminds me of The Bridge Poem..Ya can't drag em across the bridge.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted peoples pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldnt listen. They couldnt see it; they couldnt believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I have to say this is a situation for our HP like the other poster said. You know leaves don't fall from the tree and I would probably be doing the same thing if I were the mother. I would be quilt ridden but I would like to hope that someone would lead me to counseling and I would see what I was doing. I hope that child goes to foster care and someone will find her and love her. God Bless that addict, that mother and that child. :( It's very sad.
A story heard way to often. My friend that as an A son, said the worst thing she did was "not let the police have him the first time he got in trouble". She realizes now her mistakes and thank God he is sober at 20 and never did get into any real trouble.
My aunt and uncle did the same with my cousin. He started with small crime to support his habits and they always bailed him out. He did n't get a life back until he was 37 years old and 12 years in prison. He ran for a couple of years and racked up charges in 3 states before he was finally caught. Then did drugs in prison for 8 years, before he turned it around. He was a counselor in a treatment center, but he has recently quit because he is so disgusted with the system and the ridiculous sentences handed down. I think he is wanting to parent ever child there, the way he should have been, but the system doesn't allow for strong, life changing treatment.
Thanks again CUJO for sharing an important story.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
