The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading this message board for a few months now - off and on - looking for comments from parents and haven't seen any so far. Following advice from counselors, we have stopped loaning/giving money, refused return to our home until successful completion of rehab, and tried not to take the tirades personally. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, because I just want to be sure my child eats, has a bed to sleep in, and feels loved. I guess I am feeling that maybe we should just let him come home and hope for the best? He says he feels rejected and insinuates that now the continuation of drinking is our fault. We paid for a detox program, which he left early, and a rehab program he didn't go to. We live over 2000 miles apart. I am at a loss. Any suggestions?
Welcome to MIP. Glad you decided to post, hate that you have an adult child that is affected by this disease.
I also have an adult child. It is very difficult and heartbreaking. As Moms, we do want to help our children, we want to give them the assistance they need, lend a little helping hand. But the truth that I have learned in my recovery is that I am too close to help my daughter in her struggles with addiction/alcoholism.
I'm glad that you are seeking help through counselors, I also would suggest Al-Anon meetings, reading recovery literature, open AA meetings, and please keep posting at MIP.
Stepping out of the way so that a loved one can "hit their bottom" is the most difficult thing we can do, but sometimes it can be the very thing that will bring in a desire for true recovery in the suffering alcoholic/addict.
Just my experience, strength & hope.
Wishing you peace - One Day at a Time, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi and welcome , of course he is feeling that way his enablers have said a word no alcoholic addict wants to hear NO !!! Until we stop doing for them what they could and should be doing for himself nothing will change except you will become more frustrated and angry . and blamming you for his drinking is normal they have to blame someone trust me you are not the reason he drinks . He drinks because he has a problem period and your not it. regardless of what he says . We all make mistakes and have a part in this mess but u are not the reason he is doing what he's doing. Alcoholics are not big on taking responsibility for much of anything while practicing thier disease don't take on the guilt he pushes at you , a simple reply like I am sorry u feel that way usually ends the conversation. I hope u consider going to Al-Anon meetings for yourself u will find parents there who will h elp u thru your dilema and understand how u feel . Al-Anon and councelors work great to gether. good luck Louise
My stepdaughter probably had her first taste of alcohol before the age of 10, although I really don't know. By 12 she was acting out, by 15 clearly had a problem with alcohol and drugs. She moved out at 17, then moved in again, then moved out again.... took off all over the country. Then announced she was pregnant.
By the time my granddaughter was born, I was in the process of getting divorced, and somewhat relieved that it wasn't my problem anymore. She kind of kicked around, several towns, detoxes... moved in (with her daughter and boyfriend) with her mother briefly, then sister... back to my town where I did NOT want her moving in with me. Then off to jail, courtesy of boyfriend's "business activities". Ironically he got bailed out immediately, she didn't. I got phone calls and emails from other family members cajoling me to go visit her in jail.. bring her cigarettes. I just dug my heels in. I figured that even though I still cared, I was no longer required to perform the enabling drill just to stay in the good graces of her mother. I could not stop her mother's enabling, but I could sure stop mine.
I didn't hear from her for six months, while she went into a resident program.
Then I did hear from her... and our lives have never been the same since. She has been sober since. Took a while but dumped the (never sober) boyfriend, met a good guy, got married, moved away, came back, moved away, came back.... and now a grandson.
This is just what happened and what I experienced. I had nothing to do with her recovery. I am grateful every day that I can still be part of her life - I am nothing to her blood-wise, just her mother's second ex-husband. And one of *five* grandfathers to my granddaughter... LOL... but of the 5, by far the one who gets to spend the most time with her.
I learned that the abbreviated version of steps 1 - 3 is "I can't", "God can", "I'll let him".
You and your spouse seem to have the "I can't" down. Next is....
Keep coming back here and to face to face Al-Anon meetings. You will be with many who have been where you are at now and have learned another way of living a life supportive of recovery for themselves and the suffering alcoholic/addict.
Don't give up working the "I can't". Do it continuously and also go to next...
This program of recovery really works...if you work it.
The best thing you can do, is be happy, let go and imagine your child in hp's hands.
Do NOTHING. Also do not allow the disease to pull you down. The A has enough guilt without seeing his family torn apart too.
It is not your problem. yes i have a son and daughter. I know, we were made to nurture.
But he has to feel miserable to get the strenth to say no more ,himself. If we do ANYTHING we make him sick longer.
so live your life as you want, take day trips, laugh at funny movies. if you think of him ask hp to please watch over him. YOU cannot control it at all.
Enjoy your time on earth with your loved ones.If he calls say I love you, if he is mean, hang up, it is NOT him talking.
Always say to him. I love you. Sometimes it is all we can do. But it is a lot.
When he gets back to him a bit he will remember you love him no matter what but will not help the disease. YOU fight the disease, best way, ignore it. sad it in our loved ones, but we must do this.
I too am a parent of an addict/alcoholic. He is 20, soon to be 21. We sent him to a "conventional" rehab when he was 19, and then to a Teen Challenge program. The TC program had the most impact, although he didn't complete the year long program. But God took over his heart......it has been a struggle for him, but he knows now he wants to stay clean and sober. It doesn't matter if it is drugs or alcohol, it's all a problem. There is hope in the midst of this disease. We, as parents, cannot enable them.......no money, no phone, no place to stay, etc., hard things to do as parents, but necessary. The abuse we incur from the addict is part of the disease.....it is not your fault, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it.....etc. Not enabling them, helps them to reach their "bottom". There is always hope......our son has had his struggles, but God has changed his life forever. The consequences are great, but the hope is greater. God is amazing...... I will be praying for you and your son.
Thank you all so very much. I was gone for a few days and it was great to come back to such helpful words of encouragement and advice. I guess we all need validation when things get tough. I appreciate the prayers and kindness. I will add all of you and your loved ones to my prayers, as well. Thanks again.
