The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First, I want to thank everyone on this board who posts. I have learned so much from you all. I have learned that my "feelings" are quite normal and that the most important thing I can do is not continuously worry about my ex A b/f, but instead to worry about myself and MY recovery from all I've been dealt by him in the past year.
Detaching myself from him has been a great challenge for me. Sure I still love and miss him and I do still think about him often. But I have also come to see that a relationship with an A will always be a challenge. Am I ready for that? Am I ready to put my 3 children in that situation? No, I'm not. I continuously try to stay focused on stepping forward, not back.
I am not only trying to detach myself from the effects of his drinking, I am also trying to detach myself from him in general. For me, this is the only way I am going to be able to move on. I wont lie, it hurts not talking to him or seeing him, but eventually this hurt will go away.
In the past several days, he has tried contacting me. I dont answer the phone. I dont reply to his txt messages to my cell phone. I refused the flower delivery he sent to my home. I dont answer the door when he's on the other side. I truly do believe that he now realizes what he lost! He lost a good woman with a good heart! By not having contact with him, I think maybe he has finally realized that. I think he realizes that the woman that poured her heart into a relationship with him is finally moving on with her life, without him.
If he wasnt missing me, he wouldnt be trying to contact me. And I cant give in or I will not recover from this!
One day maybe we can be friends. Maybe when his sobriety has been under his belt longer. But now, he only has a few months and given his previous history of falling out of the program, I wont take that chance.
I refuse to allow him to manipulate me the way he did. I dont want to be there for the crappy times, I dont want to be the person that deals with his mood swings, his manic and/or depressed moods. I've come to see how draining this was on me!! And my exhaustion effected my children. My children have to come 1st. They are young and impressionable and I want them to grow up to be like the mom they had a year ago, not like the mom I've become in the past year. Always drained, always worried about my A b/f, always being afraid to say the wrong thing to him that results in him falling out of the AA program, always wondering if he's sitting in a bar somewhere drinking until he blacks out. Although they of course dont know the situation with my ex A b/f and I, but they could see I was emotionally exhausted.
My energy will be used on ME and my children.
Thanks to reading the posts from people on this board, the people of Alanon, and my HP, I will recover from this!!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I understand what you are going through. I also see that youy have a great strength of will and than you want a better life for yourself. Sadly, whilst they are in the grips of this disease it is very hard to understand their thinking and actions. I'm sure he loves you very much but is gripped by the disease.
I admire your strength and courage and desire to do what is right. I know how hard this is to do. I pray for your continued strength.
I am sooooooooooooooo proud of you. I love when I hear when woman finally "get it". It's the hardest dang thing we can do and it hurts like hell but it is worth it for ourselves in the long run. I'm like you, my children gave me so much strength and I knew what I had to do for them. I really really am proud of you, you are a great mother! Uphill from now on!
It is so great that you see what you need to do in order to recover. I know its hard, being a newbie, this is only my 3rd day on the boards...I too have a son and he is my strength along with God and reading your post gives me inspiration.
Hold on to this feeling. Hold on to the strength. Have a blessed and empowered day!
I'm pretty new here also. Only been here for about a month. I've read my older postings, and I do see that I have come so far. I honestly didnt think I'd be OK without him. Aside from my children he was my life.
I knew that I was about to lose it emotionally and coming on this board and attending Alanon mtgs was highly suggested to me. Although, my ex b/f was 100% against me going to Alanon mtgs. He said, "those arent the kind of people you need to associate with" . I was thinking, ok, well maybe he's right, what kinda people attend Alanon mtgs. Well I came to my own conclusion from attending these meetings. People that go to Alanon are WONDERFUL. They are so supportive and really and truly make you realize that the main focus has to be on ones self and NOT the A. They are individuals like myself that are searching for help in dealing with their A's. If only my ex A knew that I attended an AA mtg, I think he'd flip. But that too was suggested to me and I am so glad I went. I really got a better understanding of the disease and it was amazing to hear the extremes people with this addiction have gone to when they were actively drinking.
If it wasnt for this board, the Alanon mtgs, the AA mtgs and the love and support from my closest friends I'd still be a mess. It just proves that with the right support you can conquer anything that is thrown in your path!!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I apologize I have not welcomed you to MIP or really caught up on your posts lately. I've been rather consumed I guess these past weeks. Your situation is much like mine. My AH has mental health issues as well, probably Bipolar but has yet to get a clear diagnosis. He has been in denial of his mental health and addiction since we've been together for the last five years. Things just recently bottomed out last weekend and he is in a detox facility. I can understand what you are feeling right now. I have young children and they are very impressionable. They love their Daddy so much and I realize they don't want to be without him, but I just don't know if I can allow him back in the home and go through another manic or depressive phase when he decides to self medicate his issues instead of going back to the doctor to have his meds checked. I have a few months I guess to think on it and observe his behavior. These are not easy decisions but as time goes on it has become glaringly clear that the kids and myself come first. Our sanity our life is important. The last few days have been peaceful without my AH because he's not home complaining and yelling. He's not home creating drama. We are calm and we are o.k. I won't have much left probably by the time the tax man and creditors finish with me, but I'll have my peace, serenity, and sanity. My kids will have their mommy back and will hopefully feel much more secure about their homelife.
We are here for you, keep working your program and keep coming back. Hugs, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
{{{{{Twinmom}}}}}} so sorry to hear about what you're dealing with. I can relate so much. The main difference is that I didn't marry my ex A b/f, although it had been discussed several times. Thankfully my divorce wasnt over or I probably would have married him. I love him THAT much. Sometimes when you're in love with someone you seem to have blinders on, at least I did. Now that I am not with him, thinking back there were soooo soooo many red flags!! The first time I met him, we went to lunch and when the bill came, well, he remembered (conveniently) that he had no money. I didnt think much of it, so I just paid the bill. BIG MISTAKE!! MISTAKE #2: When our day was over, he didnt want to go back to his house, so I dropped him off at a local pub (I didnt know at that time he was an alcoholic). He stopped as he was getting out of my car and said, "Oh wait, I dont have any cash on me". I loaned him money. Turns out he spent the $100 I gave him on drinks for him and some woman that was in the pub (his thinking is that women at pubs shouldnt have to pay for their own drinks--my thinking, he was trying to play nice guy and impress a stranger) I couldnt believe it when he told me that, but figured, well, he's gonna pay me back, so what difference does it make. Well, needless to say I never got back the $100.00 I loaned him.
Several months into our relationship, I realized something was up. He went from one extreme to another too quickly. From disappearing for a weekend, to manic states, to depressive states. He wasnt taking his medication and he was drinking way more than I expected. He was also doing drugs. (He never got drunk or did drugs in front of me though) Then he said that he wanted to wean his body of his meds. Hopefully that never happened but I dont know because I'm not with him any longer. Just dealing with the lingering effects of our relationship.
My weakness I guess is feeling sorry for people. I knew back in October that this relationship was not something to continue on with, but I was afraid to leave. I was afraid that if I left he would do something stupid and then I would feel the guilt of that. Big mistake; alcoholics are notoriously known for laying guilt trips on people.
Then I thanked God because he decided to commit himself to AA and his sobriety. He still had his mood swings (manic and depressive) but he promised me it would get better as the weeks went on. He begged me to stay because he said it would get better. He said he needed "3 months under his belt" So I stayed hoping he was right, that it would get easier and he'd be "normal". Sure he still had his mood swings, but he was sober and sticking to AA. Low and behold, he finishes his steps and the very next week he decides that him and I can no longer have a relationship.
I guess he used me because no other decent person would put up with his BS. Then when he didnt need me anymore, he just tossed me to the curb. Let me tell you, that toss to the curb was what I needed. That relationship wasnt good for me. No matter how much I love him, it was emotionally exhausting being in a relationship with him.
Given his history in the AA program, I would be willing to bet that he is gonna fall off the wagon again. Sure I was a witness to tough times with him, but I dont think he's hit rock bottom yet. When he does, I am certainly glad I will be at my distance!! Not by his side. Cant go through this again.
Alanon, this message board and the support of my friends have truly helped me to deal with this collapse of a relationship. The part I feel guilty about now though is that I dont know if I'll ever stop loving him. I suppose I'll just have to tuck those feelings somewhere deeeeeep inside my heart and continue doing what I'm doing. Being a mommy again, being a friend to those I pushed away while I was in my relationship with him, and just taking it day by day and learning more and more about this horrible disease and its effects on relationships, finances, jobs... the list goes on.
Hugs back!! Stay strong, and be there for your children. They need their mommy and you need them. I remember something my mom once said to me.... Always be the best mommy you can be to your children, you created them and you will mold them into the responsible adults they will one day become. Your children will love you unconditionally... forever She was right!! Nothing in this world can make me smile like they do. Their hugs make me forget all my woes and remember that I need to recover from this entirely so that I can be their mommy again.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
She was right!! Nothing in this world can make me smile like they do. Their hugs make me forget all my woes and remember that I need to recover from this entirely so that I can be their mommy again.