The A is playing the same old song.  He is acting like it is something incredible to go up there and live with him.  Like I am just waiting around to do that.  I am not of course but he can't see that.  Of course he can only ever see his own point of view.

He's left everything to the last minute and is in a panic.  I have stayed out of his way entirely for a week but he still left it all till the last minute.

I am so so so sad to not be able to be with my dogs. I miss them terribly.  I don't miss him and his craziness.  I don't miss the shouting, screaming, accusations, reviling (I never do enough no matter what if I killed myself it would not be enough for him).  I don't miss the chaos either. My life is pretty simple now. I know what I have to do each day.

Tomorrow I am going on an interview. The A refuses to hear of giving me a ride anywhere.  He needs, he needs, he needs the same old refrain.  He could he just makes it like some huge uphill taskl

I remain calm when I talk to him. I open the door to negotiation around the truck/car he will fix someday. I leave it at that.  I don't say anything about my feelings. He can't hear them, never could and why bother?

There are moments when I think after this I can never trust anyone again.  I also think that I can be sane even with nothing which is pretty much what I have now.  I can survive.

Seeing my dogs tomorrow will be heart breaking. I miss them tremendously. I hope to be able to someday get my dog back.  I should be able to in time.  I may take a few months, even a year but I should be able to do it.  The truck/car is another issue.  Who knows. The A is such a crazy driver and so volatile.  The driiving where he is going is difficult, its all country roads.  He is the worst driver I've ever known, speeding, impulsive, reckless, a menance.  He already lost his license once there.  The future does not look good. 

Of course needless to say his song is its all everyone else's fault.  Everything is.  And interlaced with that is the poor me's how I did not do enough for him. I broke my back and nearly my spirit I know that much. I nearly killed myself "doing" but the issue is that is not what he needs. I cannot give him that. I can't give him back hisself he must get that back alone.  I can care but that' s about it.

I can also care for me and practice it daily.  I find it hard. I find it lonely.  I find it foreign but I can do it.  And I can love my dogs.  I do love them tremendously.  I miss their exuberance, their happiness and their love.  I miss them but I don't miss the A I don't miss him at all.

Maresie.