The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I first came into the rooms of Alanon I didn't know anything about alcoholism. It was not until I walked thru the doors of Alanon that I realized that even though it was years later that I would have to personally deal with the disease (my brother, son, and husband), I had lived with the effects of alcoholism all my life. My mother is an adult child of an alcoholic (her father). The disease claimed my grandfather before I was even born. Because of this, I was raised in a home filled with shame, anger, and resentments. I was told all my life that alcoholics were nothing but mean, hateful, selfish, weak-minded people. I was taught that alcoholism was a choice and not a disease.
Years later, I escaped the hell I lived in all my life by getting married at a young age and moving to another state for five years. My brother, who was a year younger than me, found his own escape through the bottle. For years, my brother's alcoholism was kept a secret and swept up under the rug. As my brother's disease progressed, so did his antics, to the point that it became very difficult to hide his secret any longer. Living out of state, I had no idea of the impact the disease had on those around them. My opinion on alcoholism was formed at a very early age and then fueled by stories I would hear about my brother when I would call my mother. By the time my ex-husband and I moved back home my brother had already started isolating himself from the family. For years he continued isolating himself and I continued on not having any understanding or compassion for the disease.
Even though neither of my parents were alcoholics, it was not until one of my own sons began his battle with the disease, that I had to relearn what I had been taught all my life. My son, like his uncle was not raised in an alcoholic home. I couldn't imagine that anyone actually wanted to live a life like this. I have watched my son lose his battle with the disease over and over again. I have witnessed his pain and disappointment. I have helplessly watched as he let alcohol cost him his marriage and children. I will never be convinced that this was his choice. It may be the consequences but never the choice.
I later divorced my first husband and married my second husband, who is an active alcoholic. Even though we are separated I can't say that I'm truly regretful for marrying him. Our marriage, for the most part, has been a rollercoaster but I have learned from him too. I see and hear a lot of times that alcoholics are not capable of love. They're too selfish. I used to believe this as well. I can't say that I believe that anymore. I do believe that they are capable of love. It may not be your definition of love but it's still love. I have also learned that even though it may seem that the alcoholic goes out of his way to hurt the people around him, in all honesty, they do what they do because they are alcoholics not because they have malice in their hearts. My husband has taught me the importance of boundaries and tough love. We can love them and have compassion for their disease but we don't have to allow ourselves to become doormats. This only keeps them in their disease which is not good for anyone involved. For me, even though my marriage may not work out, I feel better knowing that I can walk away, having compassion in my heart and a better understanding of their disease. Holding onto resentments only leave us bitter and cold.
I am truly thankful to the alcoholics and the lessons I've learned. They have taught me the meaning of compassion and understanding. I have learned to be less judgmental. I have also learned that although I may not suffer from the disease of alcoholism, I am by no means perfect. For the first time in my life, I am working toward being the best person I can be.
thank you for for sharing such a heart felt post. there is so much growth in your words, and clearly in your life, and this is a reassurance to us all.
whilst living in the midst of this disease there are so many lessons to learn, but often its hard to see this.
Julie, I can really relate to your post. I thought that by leaving my first husband who was an A, I would be able to save my very young son from the environment that would turn him into an A. I was in denial for a very long time that it was not a genetic thing. My son is an A none the less.
I, too, have much compassion for any A. I believe that noone would choose this way of life.
((Julie)) Thank you for your post. It has such good insight. We can't "love" the ones we love out of alcoholism, but we can love them in spite of it! I love my sober ah so much--I loved when he was active in his alcoholism as well. I have learned that just b/c I may not be able to handle things while living with an active a--I can love him anyway. I thought that if I separated from my husband it would be b/c I didn't love him anymore and all feelings would be gone, but I know now that--if he goes back to active drinking I can't go back with him, but I know that w/o a doubt I won't stop loving him either.
