The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this, so "bear" w/ me. I have a very close friend who is in recovery and on one level we are as close as 2 people can be, closer than our significant others would like, (now our divorced spouses) We have known each other for 10 years and we are each others greatest confidants. Yet, he continues to shut me out of his life completely without explanation...
I can not get through to him, it is as if he has disapeared and then he shows up again... it is an emotional breakdown... no he is not drinking... he can not explain it to me...except that it is an emotional breakdown? is this part of the " do not get into relationships while in recovery? How do I let go and detatch?
You don't say how long or how deeply he is into recovery. However, in general, expecting 'normal' emotional behaviour from an A is just setting yourself up for disappointment. I'd say, don't waste too much energy on trying to figure him out. Instead, keep the focus on you - are enough of your needs getting met to make it worth staying in some sort of relationships with this person? If not, don't fool yourself into thinking it will get better - it probably won't.
If he's not there for you, there are a couple of ways you can go. You can analyze him to death, doubt yourself, second guess, worry, fret, feel resentment at not getting what you need, feel guilt for needing what you need, be miserable for ever. Or, you can accept him as he is, make sure that your needs are met some other way, and take from him what he has to give. Which you chose will not make much difference to him - he probably won't even notice. It makes a big difference to you, though. Or, you can decide that no matter how much you care about him, you don't want to spend your whole life having only part of a real relationship, cut your losses, and try to find someone who will give you what you need from a partner. I know, this sounds bleak and kinda grim but is the reality of loving an A.
There are not always answers. I used to call this behavior,"Out of sight, out of mind?"
Just typical A behavior I sure relate. When A was with me we were two peas in a pod. Then poof that was that until next time.
I finally said no more next times.
When I married the A it was the same thing. It is a symptom of aism.
I detach by knowing I love the man, but hate the disease. I go on with my life.I work on what I want.
A's are notoriously selfish, part of the disease. If they don't feel good or feel right, they may not show up for a very long time. Does not enter their mind we may need them. They don't feel they have anything to give anyway.
This is just what was in my thoughts. love,debilyn
interesting, not sure we ever confirmed that I was his partner or looking to be his partner... to date, we only are friends. The romantic part has never come to fruition for one reason or another.
I take what you are saying seriously, he is in the early stages of recovery, less than 200 days. But is what you are saying there is no hope for A "romantic relationship with a Recovering A, or is it only after 1 year or so... Yes, emotions are eratic at this stage and not reliable... take what you can get or bail out, not much of a choice selection for someone you care so much about... I guess we are both new at it and I don't want to bail on him, just because he has emotional issues doesn't mean I have to.
Must be a way for me to still let him know I am there and that I care, without being a "bulldozer" (hate that term) even if he is not responding to calls, emails ect...
Regardless of how you define your relationship, your question was "how do I detach." In my experience, detachment while my AH was in early sobriety (and actually even now at 2 years) means:
--that I accept that the most important thing in his life is staying sober.
--that he is emotionally stunted and although he is growing and maturing in recovery, it is a long-term process.
--that he still has to deal with the Aisms: fear, guilt, shame, the inability to deal with intense emotions, the instinct for flight to avoid dealing with intense emotions, etc.
--that I cannot expect the A to give me more than he is capable of
--that if I need more than my A can give me, I can look to others to fulfill those needs e.g., friends, Al-Anon buddies, etc.
--that I choose to believe that he is doing the best he can and that is all he can do and I work hard to let go of any resentments that I might about his limitations.
--that I can let him know that I am here if he needs me and then let it go--let him go--and focus on me. He knows where I am and how to find me.
--that I focus on appropriate boundaries in relationships--where I stop and where others begin--and work hard not to become too emeshed with others
--that I focus on how to live my life for me and not based on how he is doing or how he is feeling.
--that I actively work on becoming my own person again--getting healthy and trusting that my HP has a plan and if it for my AH and I to be together, then I want to be the best me that I can be, regardless of whether he is drinking or not. If I want a healthy relationship then I have to be a healthy partner.
If I were to guess, I don't think his actions have to do with the "no relationship in the first year" adage. It sounds like he is doing the best he can to stay sober and possibly he realizes that without his sobriety, he has nothing, which is a good thing.
As always, take what you like and leave the rest, and keep coming back.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Miller, Your post helped me so much today. I am in a relationship with an A who has 2 years sobriety. We knew each other from a distance 20 years ago but in the past 3 months have started dating....if you can call it that. He attends meetings and works with his sponser, but is struggling with personal family issues that in my opinion could be helped more by attending Alanon. His mother suffers from final stages of cancer, father is drinking heavily, son has autism, divorce is only 3 years old and his business suffered from his disease. He's staying sober despite all these triggers, however, the relationship he started with me has been put on the back burner. In the beginning 6 weeks, we talked dozens of times a day on the phone....had coffee daily, etc. Now...maybe a call once a day.
What I'm trying to do is focus on myself, but it's hard. I really like him and want to be part of his life. I feel shut out. I was enjoying the romance and affection. I realize I need this in my life...but I keep questioning myself. As if I'm not worthy. I lived with an active A for 7 years...I know the disease in it's worse state....but this recovery stage of it is all new to me.
And who knows? He may have been this way without the disease. He just may have decided to back off.
After 4 years of Alanon, I should know better. Let go and Let God.
I hope you have patience and understanding with him and with yourself.
