The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just wanted to say thank you to each of you who so compassionately responded. Its been sometime for me to get back online. I am taking care of myself and my kids, and trying to remain calm. My AH slept most of the day Saturday. The kids and I stayed at my brother's that night. I didn't want to chance him waking up and starting all over again. Glad I did... as he was still realing from the drugs. Found out so much over the weekend talking to his friend. My AH has been experimenting and drug seeking for a couple of weeks now. He downed 60 Klonipin in 2 days along with alcohol and pot. I came home Sunday mid morning and discussed with him what I want to happen. I basically said he couldn't be at the house anymore. He could go to detox, or a homeless shelter. He wanted to get help last night. Spent four hours in the ER with him, only to find out they wouldn't admit him even though he had Benzo's, and marijuana in his system. No beds were open last night for detox. I wanted to drop him off at the shelter after leaving the hospital, but he called his mom and she agreed to let him stay one night. Basically boils down to my AH going through the motions and not really hit bottom yet. Can't believe it but true. Well, he called around 12 am his mother kicked him out because he was going to ask one of his druggie friends to come over to front him some marijuana. He called from a payphone asking me to get up and come get him. I said no, have your friend take you to a shelter. He continued to call, had to unplug the phone. Around 2:30 am I get a bang at the door. I guess I was too scared to wake up the kids and just let him in. I am regretting it now. He is so hyper-vigilant and defensive. Afraid I'm just going to take off while he's in detox, but really only thinking of himself. I basically got him to leave me alone by saying either go to bed or get out. This morning he called the detox center again, he is saying he wants to go and they will give him medical treatment and mental health eval. etc. I said he needed to let them know that he's homeless because this detox has a homeless program that will allow him 2 more weeks of treatment then assess what in-patient he needs. He blew up again saying I'm just going to get sober and still lose my family. He escalated and grabbed me and started yelling in my face. Scared the kids, at this point I was scared too. I called the police to come over and calm his idiot ass down. He took off in the car that I need. Cops can't do anything as far as kicking him out I'd have evict him.
Having said that. I'm putting the condo on the market this week as is. Turning off the phone and cable to save some money. In-laws let me borrow some money for daycare for the next couple of weeks. I'm in a tight spot financially and basically my credit is going down the drain. Hopefully the condo will sell for a reasonable price to pay off the debt. After the sale I'll get us a one or two bedroom, buy a sofa bed. I can utilize small spaces very well for the three of us. I have let the A know that just because he comes out of in-patient treatment doesn't mean I'm comfortable with him coming home. He has to show that he's making real changes first and that could take a long time. I don't have much hope for him right now, but I have hope for me and the kids and we will get through this. I'm grateful for my friends, family, and this program. Thanks for all the financial ESH, I will seek out whatever I can to make it work.
Peace and Serenity to you all today, Hugs,Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
So sorry you are going through all of this drama. It seems that you have gotten a plan B together. Good for you. I hope that you and your darling children can get a new place. It will be so much more peaceful and they can enjoy being with you without all the crap that comes along with the A.
I will keep you in my prayers and ask HP to guide you.
I am so proud of you for taking the time to think clearly, and take care of yourself and the kiddos. That shows such strength. I know you are at wits end, but you are doing great under the circumstances.
In times like these it always help to take a few extra breaths... give yourself the time to think things through. As things unfold you don't have to be totally swept away by the "drama".
You and your family are in my prayers. I hope that he will get the help he needs... and I pray for continued strength for you. Maybe your growth in the program was a premeditated gift from your HP for this eventuality. We may never know, but I am so glad you are here.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Of course he's gonna be mad, of course he's gonna blame you - he is facing something that he is terrified of. Not very many A's in his situation really believe that sobriety and recovery are possible - they have to be desperate to take that first step. But, just because he is living in insanity and denial doesn't mean you have to. You know what reality is, just keep your eyes on that. He will either come around or he won't - either way, you and the kids can be OK.
What a way to work your program. You should be extremely proud of yourself. I will keep you and yours in my prayers. Hope that you get what you need from your house sale. Way to go keeping you and your kids safe.
lilms
__________________
Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Personally I think the A I have lived with has been doing speed non stop because he is so paranoid. I think it is so scary to be around them in that mode. The A screams regularly. I am thankful I am not at the house. At the same time nothing he says makes much sense.
I can very much relate to your dilemma. I can also relate that he does not want help. I can't see how the A is going to make it where he is. I know that. I know he will probably come back with his tail between his legs. He has done that before. They are always on the cycle. I think that's so important to grasp the cycle of it. The using, the stopping, the rehab, the promises (oh how good they are at promises) the total immersion in self.
I know I do not want that anymore. At the same time there are still issues to be resolved for me. My pets for one. I don't see how the A will manage the dogs. He may he may not. He is not rational at the moment. I have also heard he is moving now for a month and he has still not moved.
I feel for you. I feel the fear, the panic and more. I also know there is another side where it is quiet and peace sets in. I do not hate the A but I do not know I can ever "be" with him again in a rational relationship. I guess it was never rational it was all a lie for him. And for me it was this immense ever ongoing denial and fog of pain, fear and hope.
(((((twinmom))))), I am so sorry for your pain. These situations can feel impossible. Take a moment to breath and try to take care of yourself. I have more experience reacting to these situations than detaching from them, but I just wanted you to know that you are in my prayers. I am so glad that you are reaching out to those in recovery. I have found that so helpful to me.
Dear Twinmom, I want you to know that over a year ago I started in here as I had just broken up with my boyfriend of six years, lover of 23 years. I was at the end. I still loved him very dearly and still do, always will. I, however, have changed over this past year.
I became interested in your situation because I saw you take a different path than I did...you still had hope for your AH and enough spirit to take him on again. We were in the same place with having to make a decision about him, and we chose different ways. I wanted to see how it worked out for you.
I wanted it to work out for your sake, and your boy's sakes, but I wanted it to not work out so I could be right about my own decision. I am sorry. That was selfish of me.
All I can offer for you at the junction is that I have been on my own for over a year now. I am doing fine. What I have is not much, but darn it it's mine. Any progress I make is mine, and any failure I make is mine. The serenity I get from having things in my own control and dispensing with the nasty 'surprises' in my life is worth the hard times.
The hardest part was for the first six months, when he kept talking to me, saying the right things. It is not fair that it is easy to say NO to this person when they have tried to ruin you and all you have built and all you believe in....but tottally unfair that you then have to say NO to the person you love a hundred times after just to stick with your decision.
I guess that I had to be prepared to do that in my head. Put yourself and your beautiful children first, be your own mother and sister in your head. Always ask yourself" what would I tell my best friend to do in this situation?" and then do that. It helps clear the overwhelming emotion s of pity and anger and love in your head for this person, and keep you putting one foot in front of the other on your path to recovery.
I am proud of you, twinmom. You gave it your very best shot. There was nothing more you could have done to make it work with him and for hiim. HP will help him now, and all is according to plan. If nothing, you have learned a lot this past year, and grown incredibly.
Take care...nothing is as bad as the bottom, because it's all up from here.
