The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello to everyone, this is my first time looking for help online. I have been going to Al-laon meetings when I could. To make a long story short, I have been married to an a for 37 years. I know thru the process that I am an anabler. I have found God and he has helped me thru trouble times. This last incident topped everything. My a was cited for public drunkness. The officer called me at work to pick him up. I was half scared and half so mad. I went to pick him up and half way there I stopped and called his best friend to get him. I stopped to see him and I couldn't believe him, drunk to beat all. I told the officer to put him in jail and let him sleep it off that I had to go back to work. Anyway his friend picked him up and took him home, he talked to him for two hours. I can't believe the feelings I have that are troubling me. I can't even look at him let alone talk to him. I forgive because that is what my faith tells me and I know this is a disease, but come on lets get some help for yourself. Suggestions what I can do for myself. I am going to al-alon tonight. Thanks
Wow, that's HUGE. Way to go. You stopped enabling him. Great job and you are going to meetings. "The journey of 1,000 miles begins with but a single step."
Welcome to recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
hi weggie, you asked for suggestions for what you can do for you ...
after 12 years in Al-Anon, i've finally accepted that it is indeed accurate to say that on my list of people i've harmed, my name has to go at the top: the person i've harmed most is me. that's a revolutionary idea for me.
anyway, now that i've revised my list, on to the next step ... so i've been focusing each day on "What am I going to do today to make amends to myselt?" One of the things I learned from Al-Anon literature early on and have treasured ever since is this idea: The best way to make amends may be to stop practicing the defect.
In my case, one of the defects I want to change is "too much of a good thing with people I'm close to." What happens to me is that I will be enjoying the company of someone with whom I am at ease (maybe in person, maybe on the phone, maybe by emails back and forth) ... and then I "come to" and realize that I have just worn myself out by "staying at the fair too long." Do you see what I mean? (Not sure how clear that is ... oh well :) let me know if you can't understand me). So now, I am making amends to myself by asking myself, "Is it really in my best interest to phone so and so now, when I barely have time to talk without delaying my meal (or delaying running an errand, delaying getting ready for an appointment, etc. etc.)?"
And often, I'm finding that I'm better for having chosen a more relaxed moment rather than a moment when I am stressed or hungry or lonely or upset or confused, etc. ... because when I'm off-balance, I am more likely to end up wearing myself out because the old "automatic" reactions take over.
So I suggest maybe just treat yourself nicer, give yourself more breaks, write yourself a loving letter (from you to you!), and do things that help you feel that life is worth living ... staring out the window at the natural world or being outside in it works well for me ... also for me: my music, my TV programs, my DVDs, my foods I like (such as cottage cheese :) or toast made just the way I like it). Hope this gets you thinking about something or other you'd like to do to treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend who was very much like you.
as far as working your Al-Anon program ... ...maybe try some online meetings here (I took you to mean that you were going to face-to-face meetings and I certainly encourage that because to me it's a "fuller" experience ... but the Al-Anon group here at MIP is officially recognized and a strong group in my opinion (here less than a month but have participated in many meetings here).
...do you have a sponsor in Al-Anon? if not, maybe just start to notice who in your group you admire, would feel comfortable with, and so on. One step at a time and then you'll have someone to be your "extra dose" of help when you need some sharing time.
...does your f2f group have a telephone list of members willing to be called to chat or for support? i've gotten a lot of help through the years from phone lists -- saved me plenty of times from going deeper into my own stressed-out distress.
Update on A> I have been keeping to myself and working then coming home to clean or go to my bedroom. I still can't even look at him. Yesterday, I called my neighbor boys to help me more a dresser. My A was on the couch covered with a blanket in his underwear. I never told him the neighbors were coming over. Surprize.....He got so mad...First of all he looks like craps,,,sheet white...My A came upstairs after the neighbor boys left and said "I would expect you to tell me when someone is coming into the house so I could at least get dressed." I told him "I would expect you not to get so drunk and disorderly that the cops had to get me involved." He kept repeating the same thing over and over and I kept walking away. I asked him if he wanted to argue and he said yes...I told him I didn't and walked away. I spoke to our friend who was involved in the situation and he said my A is upset and sorry that I involved him. He said my A is so remorsefull. My A is upset that his friend got involved and not me....I don't get it. Help me to understand.
This is hard for me to say ... because I want to help you, not hurt you. I know this may sting a little. So it's hard for me to say and probably will be hard for you to do. Maybe just read my message and listen to what other people have to say and just think about what is best for *you*.
I was reading COURAGE TO CHANGE this morning. (You may be familiar with that book of daily readings published by Al-Anon). If you have a copy of COURAGE TO CHANGE, this next part is from the reading for April 18; I encourage you to read the entire reading, which begins:
"I had spent a lot of time yearning for things I wasn't getting from the alcoholic in my life. As a part of my Al-Anon recovery, I was encouraged to put those needs on paper. Courtesy, respect, attention, affection, communication--my list of the areas in which I felt my loved one had let me down went on and on.
"My sponsor applauded my honesty and then suggested that I could bring all the things on my list into my life. The catch: I had to give what I wanted to receive and become what I wanted to attract. Did I present a shining example of courtesy and all the rest? If not, I had a wonderful list of goals already on paper."
weggie, I know that when I read that this morning, *I* had to humbly admit my own faults and rededicate myself anew to at least being polite to anyone close to me, no matter how I am hurting inside.
So this is not me asking you to do anything but just to consider ... whether your husband is polite to you or not, will you choose to be polite to him?
You wrote, "I never told him the neighbors were coming over. Surprize.....He got so mad..." My questions just for you to consider ... Would you want to be treated that way, to not be told that neighbors were coming over? Since I think you mean by "Surprize.....He got so mad..." that you knew very well that he would get not just mad, but so mad ......... hmmm .... I don't think I need to say any more except: Would you want someone to push your buttons?
weggie, I know from being affected by the drinking of many other people, and I'm sure you know: it's hard enough being affected by the drinking of another person and it's next to impossible to live with an active alcoholic if you are relying only on your own strength.
I give you credit for taking on a nearly impossible task. As long as you choose to live with an active alcoholic, I wish for you to have many wonderful blessings. Please keep in mind that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. You can choose how you will act ... and if you practice acting a certain way, I can almost guarantee that you will find it easier the more you practice.
I offer you my Experience, Strength, and Hope: The reading today stung me a little. I humbly admitted to myself, to God/HP, and to another person that I had been less than courteous and polite to people close to me ...... you know the Steps; I'm working the Steps. When I work the Steps, my life gets easier.
Sonny,,thanks so much for all your help. I have been one person that always told my son that love is how you treat people and I couldn't even see how I was treating my A until you mentioned it. I went to an Al-laon meeting tonight and shared your insight to me. I purchased the book Courage to change. Thanks again.
