Weekends without him are the worst!! - Al-Anon Family Group

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ · Senior Member

Weekends without him are the worst!!

aunitedway · ~*Service Worker*~

you wrote;
Well tonight I'll attend the Alanon meeting and come home and hug my kids. Tomorrow I'll probably walk around the mall and go shopping with my kids. Then we'll probably have lunch with friends. Tomorrow night, Alanon meeting. Lots of hugs from my kids. Sunday church
.... and another Alanon meeting,..... ******* AND.........

((((HB in NJ))))) it sounds like your gonna have a great weekend. i would like to say, for me, what i would do is DO SOMETHING (on Sunday) that will wear that lil'body out. Something like renting bicycles..... or horseback riding... ice skating or roller skating. just something (even with the kids) that requires physical activity. Make a day of it, i enjoy bicycling... I set a destination and then off i go ....once there stop and have lunch and then enjoy the ride back home. well..... anything that would require something physical. in other words get busy!! to keep from sitting and stifling your self into getting inside your mind / in side your head.

i found that if i focus on getting busy.... physically... i stop wearing myself out inside my head. using what i got to stay active. Bowling, tennis, even if its walking... fast pace.....
theres alot of things to do that require getting your heartrate up and feeling the burn. lol.
If deciding to find somehting physical.... you will succeed in wearing your self out (on the outside) with activity... so when you get home you can share a pizza or hamburgers with the kids, then take a hot bath w candles and soft music , drink some warm milk and read some of courage to change or a good book till you fall asleep.

let your body rest. in doing that you will be letting your mind take a rest tooo.

this is just a suggestion :) take what you like and leave the rest.

Keep Workin IT Your Worth IT!!

Kim65 · ~*Service Worker*~

OMG, I'll bet the kids will LOVE a surprise like Aunitedway suggested! I know I would have! Since kids always know more than we think or hope they do, it will be a good exercise for them to witness . . . doing something really fun and positive when sad stuff is happening in your life.

In reading your post, you sound very sad but your strength and willingness to stay healthy and on track is all right there. Good for you! And I second strongly the physical activity thing. Living on a farm has saved my sanity over and over (born and bred city girl, here). While I don't recommend to everyone to shovel s***t to get out of your head, it does work. Physical activity of any kind increases endorphins, natural 'feel good' brain chemicals, and makes the time pass quickly.

I know you write your posts to get the pain out, but they are very helpful to me. Your a good example of someone in pain who doesn't just give up.

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ · Senior Member

"AUNITEDWAY"

Thank GOD I have my kids. I've always given them my all as they do in return to me. We like to keep each other busy. This weekend is gonna be "all about them" and of course a little about me too! I just got off the phone with a very close "male" friend (he knows whats going on in my life--why is it I am so much more comfortable opening up to men face to face?) He suggested we take the kids out to Dave & Busters for dinner and and to let the kids hang out and just be kids. At first I was hesitant, but say what the heck, so after my Alanon mtg at 6, thats where we're all headed!! He, like everyone else, keeps telling me to focus on me and my children and to keep busy!! Another thing he said, which is so true and just melted my heart, is that my children will love me unconditionally forever, and he's right. Hopefully this will be an AWESOME weekend! Of course I'll probably think of my ex tons, but I promised myself and my friend that this weekend I am going to concentrate on ME and do things that make ME happy. God knows kids can wear out an adult! So I told them thats one of their goals this weekend, to wear mommy out.

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ · Senior Member

Kim,

I am sad!! Really sad. But it isnt healthy for me to show that sadness in front of my kids. And I cant give up. I need to recover from this ordeal. Sure my kids kinda know what happened and they can see that I'm sad, but I dont want them to think a man could have this affect on me. They know I have good days and bad days. God forbid my bad days leave an impression on them concerning dating in the future. They are young, 14, 12 and 7 and now is when the greatest impressions are made. The ones that will carry them into adulthood.

Although I am almost divorced from their daddy, the kids never saw him and I argue. No matter how much we didnt get along, we never faught in front of our children. Even tho our marriage had its ups and downs and he was at times verbally abusive to me as well as physically abusive to me, I never shared that with my children. Kids pick up on enough and they didnt need to see that part of my marriage to their daddy. Let them remember all the good times we had, as a family. Let their memories be of what a family is supposed to be like.
Since our papers were filed, their dad and I get along great. I guess we were meant to be friends and not husband and wife.

Shoveling s**t is something my boys would think is cool!! My daughter though, well I dont think she'd be too fond of it! Always wanted to live on a farm~~ its so tranquil and peaceful. Much unlike the hustle and bustle of the city!

Thanks for reply to my post!

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not sure it's "Bad" to show your kids how heart broken you are. After all this was their daddy and your best friend too.
What I'm hearing is that you're living in the "What Might Have Beens." "What Used To Be." And it almost sounds like you're slipping into "Lake WoeBeGone" mode (Where the women are strong, the men are good looking and the children are above average?). If you were to sit down with a pad and paper, and be brutally honest with yourself, what were those weekends like? If you were to go, year by year, from courtship to current state of life, what was the timeline of events? The emotional climate? How much time was spent fighting, how much time was spent actually ON the kids, and how much time, really was spent WITH each other? Because it sounds like what happened is that weekends were family time, not necessarily couple time. It also sounds like--refrencing that verbal abuse--that things weren't always cake and ice cream and that when it came to weekend duties things weren't compromised as much as they needed to be.
It also sounds as if some how AA is getting blamed for an individual choice. I cant recall if you say how long your loved one has been sober, but if he's newly sober I also garentee you that he was also told to not make any major decisions the first year, either. So if he's treating his family like "The relationship I need to get out of for the sake of my sobriety" he's also making a major decison that's compromising his sobriety that no individual with long term sobriety would recommend he make (save, of course, were he in a physically threatening situation, which, obviously, this is not).
It is unfortuneate, but worth saying, you are not the first person to catch the bluster of new sobriety insanity. I know of another individual on our site who has found himself to be a single father after his wife, upon graduating from drug rehab, notified him that she would be filing for divorce. She refused (as it was explained to me) any counceling, family, couples, otherwise, and signed all property to him. As of last time I heard from this individual, their adolescent sons are "fine", in the sense of "Wow, okay, didn't expect this, but it's gonna be okay..." He, to say the least feels like the floor has fallen out from under him. However, he has gotten a sponsor, is working the steps, is active in a home group and is seeing a professional. I am greatful to say that he is gaining his feet again, althogh, he, too, is increadibly heartbroken. This is a case I **know of.** God knows how many happen **every day.***
While you're at the al anon meeting, I suggest you listen closely for a woman who has the recovery that will help you grow past the pain and ask her to be your sponsor and work with you in the 12 steps. Rather than focusing on what HE is doing (or not) you will find that there is more to life than who you are with (or not.)

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with you totally about the no relationship bs. we had been married 23 yrs when husb sobered up and no one suggested that we separate , but have heard it so often from other people . Who has the right to tell anyone to leave thier family to focus on sobriety , those of us who stayed thru the crap deserve to see the good stuff .
Sobriety is hard on every one not just the alcoholic , everything has to change , every one has to change but with two separate programs it is possible .
I understand if your single no heavy duty relationships for awhile but married couples not !!! I'ts the same old same old to me , the alcoholic comes first and family just dosent matter . We should be okay because he is sober , right .
I am so gratful I got to this program before he sobered up so that i was ready for sobriety , was drilled into me that drinking or not this program would improve my life . I learned to mind my own business , let him work AA the way he chooses not the way i think he should.
My program reminds me that I don't have the right to choose theh method of recovery for anyone but ME.
I learned here to stay off his back and out of his face to allow him to do it his way.
I have read the big book of AA several times and no where does it say to leave your family. He's sober enjoy and keep looking after you . Because I got here early I was ready for sobriety and was well aware that it was not the answer to al of our problems. thank god for the AA members who shared thier own recovery with my husb and myself. I wish u well and hope for your future to be all u want it to be. Louise .
This is just my opinion on a topic that absolutley drives me nuts . Can u tell ?????

Kim65 · ~*Service Worker*~

***Shoveling s**t is something my boys would think is cool!! My daughter though, well I dont think she'd be too fond of it! Always wanted to live on a farm~~ its so tranquil and peaceful. Much unlike the hustle and bustle of the city! ***

Sounds like my kinda guys. Send 'em on up :D

Instead of traffic sounds, ambulance sirens, helicopters and passenger jets (which honestly never bothered me) I get my daily decibels from geese honking, chicken squawking, baby goat hollering, and adult goat baa'ing when I'm five seconds late with the grain.

You sound like a great mom! When you think about it, wonderful kids, good home and job and all of *US* alanon types, what more could you possibly want??? OK, I know, I know!

ONE WEEKEND AT A TIME, girl! You have this weekend down pat, anyway!! Have a great time!!

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ · Senior Member

Great time last night!! I had a ball out with my kids. This morning is a morning for me: pedicure, manicure, and then off to the MAC counter to check out the new spring line of makeup!!

Just to clarify, my soon to be ex husband was not the alcoholic. We havent been together as a couple for a VERY long time. The man I began dating months after I was seperated from my husband is the alcoholic. He is the one that is in AA and chose to walk away from a year long relationship to concentrate on his sobriety which makes no sense to me, but I need to embrace the fact that he has come this far. He's only been sober for 6 months. As I said in one of my previous posts, he was active in AA at least 4 times previous to this time. Each of those 4 times though, he resorted back to alcohol and drugs. Hopefully this is it. This is the first time he has completed his steps!!

Just doesnt seem fair to me that he kept me around for all the crappy times when he would hit bottom and now that he's on his way to recovery he decides he doesnt need me in his life anymore. I deserve to be a part of his sobriety. To share in his sober life. What was I only good enough to be there for him when he wasnt sober?

I am letting him continue on his journey to sobriety the way he chose to. Doesnt mean its easy though. I miss him. But ultimately his sobriety is what matters. He would be no good to anyone if he continued drinking and drugging. What confuses me the most is that he would always say, "just give me time, its going to get better, I promise." He asked me to stick it out and I did, only to get dumped. Oh well.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, from my experience, sobriety is no reward. It's just a different set of problems. Loving an alcoholic, active or sober, is always difficult, always a challenge, unless you have your own path, to keep your feet firmly set upon.

His sobriety should, indeed, be the most important thing to him. However, to YOU, your own mental and physical health, and that of your children, should take priority. If it doesn't, even though you are no longer in a realtionship with him, you are still riding his rollercoaster.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.