The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can't tell if I've gone numb, or if I've found serenity. See, nothing's changed. I suppose that, when you get right down to it, the only thing that's really changed is me. I know my father's waiting--for me to "screw up, bomb out, or blow up," and he'll milk it for all it's worth. I know my mother's trying--to defend him, to smooth it over, to smooth it out, to make it all okay. In other words, it's another ordinary day at the insane asylum. And for some odd reason, I'm not scared any more. I know that when my father calls and leaves "voice mail" that I can say to him, "If you choose to speak to me that way, then you're choosing to limit our relationship. Our relationship is very strictured already, and I will not be spoken to as if I were garbage. I suggest that you speak to me in a kind, caring, loving tone." And then he'll call mom, spread lies, get her caught in the middle. She'll panic, try to get me to "make nice," and then when I explain to her exactly what's going on, she'll get embarassed (somehow, it was okay for dad to talk to HER like that, but damned if she's gonna let me be talked to like that!), and then she'll get very, very uncomfortable. I recall one time John spoke about serenity, to him, meaning that he had to learn to be okay with the norms of everyday life. No rescuing people. No minding others business. Taking care of John. What John had to worry about. I guess what I'm asking--yes, I'm asking for feedback, e/s/h, here--what is serenity? How do you know when you've reached it? Is it the feeling that when you're in the insanity that it's gonna be okay? Is it the feeling of surrender? Because, for a long time when I came in, I thought I was serene, and I had anethetized myself to the insanity to survive. And if the ones who care about me the most are concerned that I've stumbled into the pattern again, then I would hope that someone would point that out. Or, if this is what serenity is, Living with the knowledge that god will provide according to HIS time plan (I still think mine's better! ), okay.
For me, serenity is the ability to continue living my life, continuing to do the Next Right Thing, taking care of me and not reacting to the drama that surrounds me. It's about my HP giving me the power to not be drawn into the chaos that my loved ones have in their lives.
Kind of think of my serenity as my force field of protection that my HP uses to surround me to keep me safe and sane. (ok maybe somewhat sane - I'm a too little twisted to be totally sane )
That is my understanding of serenity today - who knows it may change tomorrow.
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
hmmmmm....... "Serenity" being happy with my "self." to feel good about or atleast "OK" with the decisions i make or made relating to me. ... and relating to my family. no matter the situation. i feel serenity when i know i do/did the right thing for Me. When I do the right thing, even in setting boundaries, for me and for others in my life. Being ok with "myself," with the actions i take, the reactions or the responses i make in life... with this life that i have decided will be mine not someone elses.
I find serenity in balance. When I don't feel that I "should" be exstatic because the A's in my life want that of me, and I don't fall to the bottom of the pit of dispair because of some created crisis... then I consider that serenity for now. I reserve the right to change that over time as I get better. LOL
The blow ups, miscommunications, self-pity, blaming and threats all still exist... they just seem to be things I am witnessing, not joining into.
I noticed after a while in the program and looking closely at what I am and am not responsable for that, for example, if a friend told me of a tragic situation in his life I wouldn't instantly feel blame and guilt... and stomp myself to death trying to fix it all.
So for now, balance is what I seek.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Everybody responding described a bit of what serenity is to me.
Serenity to me is being able to maintain an inner peacefulness, equilibrium, whether the outer world is going well or not going well. It comes and goes, but if I stay 'willing' to be serene, and go through the motions, it will return.
I noticed I can be very sad and be serene at the same time, as long as I don't fight the sadness. So far, being angry is not conducive to serenity :D . And 'reacting', whether in a good or bad way (so to speak), is not really workable with serenity. It's not feeling happy or ecstatic, either. It's sort of like accepting reality, the way things are, not what I want them to be, and trusting my HP instead of taking on HP's job.
When I had a pretty powerful "gift" of serenity not too long ago, I wondered a lot of what you are wondering. Hmm . . . I'm not scared, I'm not even angry, I'm not worried about the future, and nothing outside me has changed. I wondered if I had 'snapped" or something :D . I probably did. But it was real, and while in that pure state I knew it was a gift from HP to show me what my life CAN be like when I let go and let God. I am not the least bit religious in a conventional sense. I just felt 'OK', supported, and capable. Serenity is a strong place to be in.
Perhaps your numbness is the arrival of detatchment from your squirelly loved ones :D . Relish it, you need that energy for you. Thanks for your post!
I guess it's the feeling of knowing that *I* will be OK, no matter what happens. My relationships with other people may be damaged, my circumstances may change, but *I* will survive. Before, there were so many things that I was afraid of, that I felt I just couldn't take, if they happened. Be cheated on, get fired, lose my hearing, get a divorce, get arrested - any of those things would just be too much, I need to go to extraordinary lengths to make sure they don't happen. Now I feel that I wouldn't like any of those things to happen - I would feel pain, I would change - but I would not be destroyed.
The list of what would destroy me is very short now. There is nothing on it smaller than the death of a child.
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