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I told my husband yesterday about my doctors apt. and he actually got mad that I hadnt told him sooner. I told him that he had enough to do and didnt want him worrying about me. He keeps asking me how I feel, if I am having chest pains ? I havent (thank God) I also told him that I didnt want his decision about our marriage to be based on me being sick. Last night he didnt sleep all night and this morning it shows. I think he feels obligated to be nice to me and that too makes me angry. I want him but I want him to want me too without obligation. Is it because I love him or is it because I dont want anyone else to have him ? Why am I acting like he is a possession ? Why am I having such a hard time letting this man go when clearly he doesnt want to be here ? When he isnt here I miss his voice. But when he is he isnt talking much anyway. How crazy is that ? Man, am I messed up !! He ask me yesterday why I took off my wedding ring and I told him that he has given up so I am mentally trying to prepare myself and removing the ring is part of that. I know that he is still talking to this girl, he swears that they are buddies no more. Even swore on his life ( for whatever that is worth ) .. I saw her and believe me she is not attractive, 22 and really screwed up. I think he feels superior towards her, maybe that is why they still talk ( who knows ) ..It kills me to think that he has turned to someone else emotionally and maybe even physicaily ? I just want to call her and ask her WHY she wont leave him alone. OHHHHH, here I go again acting like he is a possession. He has free will and if it werent her i am sure it would be somebody else. He has always said that he feels beneath me. ??? He says that I made him feel that way, I can see there were times I did.:( That he isnt good enough for me since I have a good career and make significantly more $$ than he does. Is that just an excuse ?
My kids dont even speak with him and I know that hurts him but they just ask me "why is he here ?" not why is Dad here ? They are so tired of this game and yet I just cant get off.. I feel like the plastic blow up that you use to punch as a child and it would pop back up and you would hit it again.. and I keep saying hit me another, another, another.. They are hurt and confused too and that even makes me feel worse. :(
I am really struggling here... I know that he doesnt want his family anylonger he is so depressed and angry and confused and whatever else that all he does is CRY and smoke..
I know, take the focus off him and onto me.. and i am really trying... Tonight, I will go to an alanon meeting not sure where but I will find one today. In the meantime please keep praying for me..
I can here the hopelessness in you post. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I wish there was something someone could say that would help. When I see someone in the place where you are, i think...."they will know when they are done". Sometimes you just cannot rush the process. I would just say to try...try...try to keep the focus on you and your kids. Help them to understand what it is you are feeling and going through. You will know when you just cannot do it anymore and the your HP will guide you to where ever it is you are suppose to be. His time....not yours.
Take care and I will pray for you and your family. I do have compassion for your husband. I am sure he doesn't want to be like this.
I'm hoping this will give you a little hope ... I'm offering this based on my own experience and on my experience in being around other people I knew well ...
So hard for me to say though because I don't want to sound pushy and don't want to "diagnose from a distance" ... especially since hey! I don't have a medical license, just a lot of experience being the patient. lol
Okay .... taking a deep breath.
You wrote, "I am really struggling here... I know that he doesnt want his family anylonger he is so depressed and angry and confused and whatever else that all he does is CRY and smoke.. "
I read your whole post and I have all you said in mind, but when I read that part and waited till I'd thought it over, I decided I would reply ... because I don't know what's going on for you or for him because I can't read minds yet :) ... but when you say he is "depressed and angry and confused" and when you say that those feelings are so intense right now for him that "all he does is CRY and smoke" ... that's a level of being affected where I suggest (just suggest ... not telling you what to do or when to do it or anything like that) considering (just think about it) getting some outside help.
For example ... if your husband has ever been in a rehab program (even if years ago) phone the current social worker at the hospital he was in and ask: 1. Will you help me by letting me tell you that this is going on and I don't want it to get worse, so I want to know what are some possible steps to take, what are the resources available especially the resources that are free or don't cost a lot. 2. If you aren't able to help me, will you give me the names and phone numbers of people and organizations that may be able to help me.
You can do the same with your family doctor, with anyone else you know or can find who has experience with depression, especially depression in an alcoholic.
Also, even though not professionally trained, people in your Al-Anon meetings may be able to help you find help with what you're struggling with.
I am talking about things *you* can do. Of course, your husband can do things too but right now, it sounds to me (just my impression) as if his mood is so low that he may not feel able to do anything or may be afraid to try because he feels as if he's going to fail because he's not feeling good about himself and feeling bad inside his head and inside his body.
So I'm mainly trying to get some help for *you* ... to keep things from getting worse for you and to take some of the load off you because you don't have to deal with something this overwhelming by yourself. You get to ask for help because nobody can handle tthings like this all by themselves; they just think they can -- and I'm speaking as one who thought for nearly all my life that by golly! I could handle whatever life threw my way and I had a hard time to trust other people because I'd been betrayed so often ... etc. etc.
Okay, that's enough for now, Sunny ... time to sit down. :)
Dear sweet Tammy - I know exactly how you are feeling when it comes to your AH and another woman. I went through that YEARS ago w/my AH. One Monday morning @ 3:00AM he came stumbling into the house drunk. He climbed into our bed, put his arms around me and said that we needed to talk. I was thinking to myself - "I am sick w/strep (recurring every month for a year, ended up having my tonsils out soon after that talk) and this guy is waking me up 2 hours before I have to get up for work AND I AM SICK!!!" Turns out he wanted to tell me about "the other woman" that he has been meeting up with. He said he was in love w/her and not in love w/me any more. He wanted a divorce.
Girl - I was devastated. I was in my mid 20s w/a 6 year old boy and my one and only love wanted to leave me for another woman - one who had an 18 mo old adorable little blonde daughter of her own. I was thinking "Ok, you can't be a dad to your own kid but you want to run off w/this other woman and be a daddy to her kid" AND I WAS SICK AS A DOG but still working at this point. Ya know what I did? I told him that if he wanted to be w/this other woman so bad, then go. I love you but go. But I will not sit here and wait for you. And I will not allow you to be here w/me and still have a relationship w/her. So choose. Me or her. If you want to stay, we can work it out. But if you want to go, you go w/NOTHING. I am taking EVERYTHING - Including our son. Ya know what? He ended up staying w/me. That other woman turned out to have some pretty serious crap going on in her life and she had snagged my husband in hopes he would be her "Knight in Shining Armor". He is No One's Knight - that is for dang sure. He can't even rescue himself.
So, let that caged bird fly. If he returns to you, he is yours. If not, he never truly belonged to you. And honestly - do we really have possession over anyone other than ourselves? No. And it is crazy madness to think we can control anyone else - especially an A.
I understand about the missing him part.....I used to spray my AH cologne on my pillow at night just so I would feel like he was there w/me. Silly. You take care of yourself and your kids. Let the pieces to the puzzle of life fall where they may. You never know, you may end up liking the end results better than the broken up puzzle you are living in now. Sincerely, QOD
I'm sorry you are going through this with your husband. One thing I was told when my AH and I were separated and he got involved with another person was, it wasn't about me. It was about filling a void a big empty hole within his soul that he just kept putting alcohol, drugs, women, sex, whatever to try and fill this hole. If he feels beneath you, its up to him to make the changes in his life that he can feel good about himself. Sounds like he doesn't have much self-respect or self-esteem for himself. I can sure relate to the pain you are having. I couldn't understand what he saw in another woman with a kid mind you. What I have learned, was that this person was a rescuer and an enabler. She didn't know about his addiction she had no clue about his homelife. She only knew what my AH told her. We were not married then. How we reconciled is another story, but mostly I began to learn how to detach emotionally and own up to my part in all of it. It was painful and hard. You have to do what you feel is best for you. Remember one day at a time and let go and have faith that HP will lead you to a calm place to heal. Have a wonderful day.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm so sorry for your pain, Tammy. I am going through a lot right now too. One thing that I read recently is that the pain and grief you experience is your spirit telling you that something is really wrong. It isn't an easy realization to come to. Be good to yourself. Going to a meeting tonight sounds like the best thing you can do for yourself right now. You are in my prayers.
For me, with my A in my life, my father, what I notice is that he is a genius at creating a lot of anxiety in me/in our family system. And, from reading this board, a favorite A tactic seems to be suddenly getting angry and then abruptly deciding to punish us through silent treatment or by threatening divorce, or cutting off contact. My A father got angry at me recently over something minor and cutt off all contact--it's painful, it hurts tremendously, and it escalated my anxiety from 0 to 100 in 30 seconds flat.
For me, I had to make a decision for my own serenity that I would not allow my anxiety about the situation (Oh my god, oh my god--what if we NEVER talk again? Oh my god, Oh my god, I should call him right now and try to appease him) to control how I responded. For me, I used the slogan "First things first..." I focused on getting my anxiety under control--by talking to my therapist, going to Alanon, and working the steps, and talking to my sponsor. I reassured myself that even though it seemed like it, this situation was NOT an emergency and I could take my time to decide if, when, and how to respond. I said the serenity prayer a lot, which helped me seperate out my part from his part. I realized that I was really angry at him for taking such a drastic action, and spent time working through my anger. I also used HALT (Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired) as a way to focus on myself and take care of myself. As I began to detach from the situation, I also began to see that there was a VERY good chance that my father used this tactic (consciously or not) to distract me from the very real issue we were dealing--by cutting off contact he very effectively changed the subject from a concern that I had brought up in our initial conversation and essentially changed the conversation to cutting off all contact.
The other thing that I am getting ready to do now that I have dealt with the most immediate anxiety, is to list out my fears in this situation over this cut-off of contact (my fears include: I'll be uncomfortable at family gatherings, it's a sin to not be in touch with my father...) and to work through my fears with my sponsor. That way, I will have worked through these fears so they don't control me and I can make clear-headed decisions.
Although your husband has decided suddenly he wants to have a divorce...this does not have to be an EMERGENCY in your life--you do not have to make a decision about this TODAY or EVEN TOMORROW--just because he brought it up--especially since you are both struggling with being ill right now with his Aism and depression and your chestpains. Honestly, I think As use this "Well, let's just get a divorce..." conversation to take the heat off them and turn it on you. After all, if you're talking about and crying over the possiblity of divorce, you will probably not be focusing on his Aism or setting appropriate boundaries with him, or holding him acocuntable for his actions.
If you are struggling from being sick, and your husband is struggling with depression...perhaps this is not the best time for either of you to make a decision about the marriage. Would your husband be open to the suggestion that you both address your health issues (depression and chest pains), and put the marriage/divorce question off the table until those are dealt with first? It may help, too, to remind yourself (and perhaps him?) that you have been married 21 years, and that there is no need to rush such a serious decision. You might be able to say what you really feel, "I love you. I do not want a divorce. Let's each work on our underlying issues, and talk about the state of our marriage after we have dealt effectively with our health issues)...Also, it may help to remind yourself (and perhaps him?)...I understand that you are angry, and ultimately how you choose to address that is up to you. I think we have many other alternatives other than divorce, and I hope that you will consider alternatives before you take such a drastic action as divorce..."
It may help you to find a sponsor, even a temporary one, and work through ALL of your fears over this situation--petty and significant, realistic and unrealistic...That way, you've really identified and taken care of your fears and they will no longer control you. That way, no matter what happens you can make the best decisions for you and the kids.
Sometimes, I think A's are in such pain that they attempt to hack at the things that seem easiest...I'm unhappy it must be the marriage...rather than, I'm unhappy, it must be that I am an A.
I am so sorry you are going thru this. I have been there so many times and in a way I am still there right now. Being divorced does not stop the feelings. I agree with the fact that his betrayl has nothing to do with you. It is totally about him filling the emptyness inside himself. I use him to fill my emptyness. I should use my HP to fill the hole and sometimes I do and I feel good and I'm able to let go. This sucks to put it mildly but it will pass. It will grow less and less intense and you will heal. Give yourself time and do whatever it is you feel you need to do to get some peace. whether that be sleeping in his old shirts to feel close to him or writing every horrid thing he has done on his best pants and then shredding them and throwing them in the trash. And I mean EVERY pair of pants he owns LOL! just a suggestion, take what you like and leave the rest! much love and remember this is not the end of your world, just a chapter in your novel...
