I went to family councling today with my 3 kids. My 12 yr old and her cutting herself is what motivated me. I went once last week alone to kind of explain what I/we need help with. It was good. My 12 yr old cried which is hard for her to do. For me to do also. I finally explained to her why her dad is again out of the picture (alcoholism and bipolar disorder) and how this makes me really mad. The therapist asked her lots of tough questions and she mainly answered "I don't know" *sigh*. I finally explained to her that my inlaws basically wrote us off when her dad and I split. I explained that there is ALOT of addiction and mental illness with them and it hurt me too that they closed ranks and when we needed them most they severed ties. I explained that i never explained this because I didn't want to hurt her or make her feel dis-loyal to me if she wanted to still love them. I explained so much that I have never even tried to explain before. She loves me and I love her. She has been involved in Alateen for a year and a half now. I tried hard to be honest and loving. It wasn't as hard as I always think it is. My main goal is for us to be able to deal with our anger and pain as a family. Not to go off to seperate corners and lick our wounds or attact each other.

So, my 8 year old has a friend over and they are playing on the computer and I hear her say
'oh an email from my dad....delete" This was shocking for me. I didn't know that he was making contact with them at all. I was at once relieved and angry. And shocked that she would just delete his email. As far as I know she's not mad at him. So, I wanted to see what he wrote and it took me about 5 minutes to justify reading his email to her. I asked her for her password non-chalantly and then read what he wrote. I told myself it was so I could make sure he wasn't slamming me or undermining me. He wasn't. In fact maybe, just maybe he isn't using. Maybe it's just a new relationship. That makes my brain burn just thinking about it. Because I am sick. Because he would still be here being a "family" if he hadn't read my journals. I am still so mad about this. Then again, he hasn't sent any child support at all. So, if he's in such a great, sober spot then why the hell is he not finacially supporting his kids? If it is a new relationship and he is spending all his money on her then that is sick behavior. Oh damn it there I am focusing on him and what he is doing. We are not even married!!!! I hate this. I need a life of my own!