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I've discovered more lies that my AH has told me and I'm even more desparate to get rid of him and on with my life.
I finally emailed his sister. I was afraid to do this because who knew what he was telling her about me. She knows him well enough to not believe anything he says, but I was amazed that even after I left him and there was no point in lying to me about anything, he was still doing it. He told me that his dad had a heart attack and that he spent one weekend up there in the hospital with him. His sister said there was nothing wrong with her dad. In reality, I think he was with some other girl-who cares! I was the one that left him. He told his sister that we were already divorced when in fact, we're not even close yet. He told everyone around the town we live in that he served me with the papers and I'm refusing to sign them. I was the one that left him-I have no problem signing divorce papers!!
Also, he told me that he was checking into an outpatient treatment facility yesterday and I found out no such facility even exists! He said he has a temporary driver's license, but who knows if that's true or not. I do know he won't have a license for long though. When he got his DWI over the weekend, he called his family and told them that he had some side jobs to do and wouldn't be able to make it for Easter. Forgot to mention that he spent most of the weekend in jail and that his truck was confiscated!
I'm so frustrated because now I wonder how many more lies he has told me. All the times he said he was doing side jobs out of town, where was he really?
Some girl called on his phone once when we were still together and he said they were only friends. Now a little more of the truth comes out, I think, and he claims she was "stalking" him now. I think there's more to that and I may never find out the whole truth.
I feel stupid because I've called him and asked how his dad was and he's lied to me with such ease that I couldn't even tell. How can some people lie so easily with no regrets about it? How can they use people and then move on like nothing happened? I don't understand this and even though I'm not with him now, it hurts because I think the last three years of my life have been nothing but a lie.
Don't feel bad about not being able to detect a lie. I have never in the 15 years of being w/my AH been able to tell if he was telling the truth or a lie. He is so good at doing it. I find I doubt EVERYTHING he says these days. And honestly, we are not living together so what does it matter to me? At least that is what I try to tell myself.
Take care of yourself and try not to allow his actions to affect you so badly. You are your own person, with your own life, you own friends, your own family. Those who choose to believe his lies right now will eventually find the truths out on their own.
First of all I am sorry that you are in this situation. I can relate.Everytime my ex-ah got sober and did a 4&5th I would hear these confessions. Sometimes I found things out on my own or accidently and the pain I would feel was just as intense whether we were together or not. They are my feelings. So, it doesn't matter if we are together or not, where ever I go there I am. Part of their disease is lying. I have come to think of it as the same way my 3 year olds used to lie. They weren't lying to hurt me but because they really, really wanted what they were saying to be the truth. I think that's the way it is in my ex ah's mind. He so badly wants his reality to be reality and wants me to live in his fantasy. I tried but I can't. I still am so hurt by the things I have found out. And I used to drive myself insane with all the things that I suspected he was lying about or lied about. I don't do that anymore. As soon as my mind goes in that direction I stop myself because it is unproductive. It does nothing for me except to set my mind spinning. I will never know the truth. I know what I felt,what I did and that has to be enough. That has to matter more than what he said or did. I can hold onto my truth no matter what.
I sure understand Lindy. It hit me during this last round of relapses just how willing I am to believe anything my A says. I am just that kind of person, if you say something I assume it is 'true', that is, until I discover it isn't. Then, it's a whole other ballgame.
It is so painful not to be able to count on what comes from your own husbands mouth. Yes, the deceit and lies are part of the alcoholism. It doesn't absolve them, they choose to lie. It's just a fact and for me, accepting this fact is what I struggle to do. I struggle because I don't like to admit to myself there is 'nobody home', that I am unsupported in this relationship. A hard fact to face, but vital when you live with an alcoholic.
I can't tell you a magic way to deal with this. Only that it is easier, in the long run, to accept what he is and not spend time wishing it weren't so, or expecting him to be other than he is. It only brings heart ache to not accept what is. You can tell I'm dealing with this very thing right now :D!
So I work toward a 'space' inside where it doesn't matter whether he's telling the truth or not.
If there is a situation where it DOES matter, I take the conservative route. When it comes to self care, the ultraconservative route! For instance, I refuse to sleep with my A. Considering the activities of bingeing, using hard drugs and being gone for a week or two, I do not trust him to tell me the truth about who he's been with, if at all. Of course he vehemently denies sexual activity outside the relationship. But, since it is my life on the line here, I don't have the luxury of telling myself it doesn't matter. I've been clear with him on why I won't have sex, and what he needs to do to remedy this (two lab tests and show me the hard copies, honey!). That he has not followed through is enough for me.
My heart is also not worth throwing before swine, either, so abstaining from sex with him hasn't been the most difficult thing I've ever done :D. But I write this as an example of how I work with myself around the fact of his deceit and lies.
((((((Lindy)))))) Yes, they lie. That's one of the characteristics of alcoholism. I'm sorry for your pain but stick with Al-Anon and "do the next right thing". Turn all of this over to HP as best as you can.
I like what Kim said about not throwing yourself before swine. I use that a lot - we are pearls - people who mistreat us have behavior like swine.
I don't have sex with my AH because he refused to take an AIDS test. I took one because I didn't trust him and thank God, I'm okay.
I can't offer any wisdom or consolation on this. But I wanted to give you my understanding. I know what you're going through and the hurt and pain of it all, and how unfair it all is. I got to the point where I doubted everything...a lot of the time I was right in my doubts. He was just so sloppy in his lies too. It was easy to catch him out. Somehow I thought this kept me in charge, being one step ahead or something crazy like this....
Anyway, it all got too much for me. I realised I didn't want to live my life/waste my life in this way. I wanted more. I knew I deserved more really. It was certainly not easy, but I had to get away from the destruction that this relationship was causing me on several levels. I had to leave him.
It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life, but I had to do it. I did what was right for me. Just my story, thats all....
I hope you find a way through this Lindy. You are in my prayers AM
