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This may sound kind of nasty, but I am SICK SICK SICK of hearing that alcoholism is a disease as if that is some kind of excuse for this stupid, pigheaded, selfish behavior. He may not be able to help wanting to drink, but he is capable of not picking up a dang beer! He is capable of not acting like a moron when he drinks and calling my family and causing a bunch of drama. He is capable of not treating me like cr*p and blaming me for all our problems. He says he doesn't want to drink- well, then, DON'T DO IT!!!
Why do I have to be understanding? Why do I have to "get" that it's a disease?! I'm just so p!ss#d at him and his stupid beer for ruining my life and now he just keeps saying that I don't understand that it's a disease like that makes him being a jerk OK. It is just another excuse for him to pick up another beer and act like it isn't his fault that everything in our lives is going down the toilet! I don't want to be understanding. I want to kick him in his stupid drunk head about 100 times and make him feel HALF the pain he puts me through EVERY DAY.
Am I evil to feel this way? I feel guilty but I am just so mad!!!! I want my life back!
lonelymom, you are not evil; you are asking the question I have asked for the last five years I have been with my A. Using the word, "disease" as an excuse for abhorrent behavior cuts no ice with me either. We may not be able to control it, but they can. Addiction can be controlled by those who sincerely want it out of their lives. Period.
I wish you well, and send you loving, understanding thoughts. Come back often. I am anxious to hear others' points-of-view even though I know what those points-of-view are.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
(((((lonelymom))))) I feel your pain. I have been there, many many times. I am so new to recovery, I honestly don't know if I believe it is a disease or not. I do know that I have no control over it, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. That understanding has helped me. So has this site (posts and the on-line meetings) and face to face meetings. I had to be in a lot of pain before I reached out to alanon, but I am sooo thankful I have. I can't say I have serenity, but it has gotten me off the big roller coaster and onto the kiddie one.
I like that analogy Leetle. Off the big roller coaster and onto the kiddie one. Yep, I will remember that. That's exactly how I feel sometimes. Other times I am completely serene, and still other times I feel I have learned nothing.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm glad you're here, and I'm glad you posted. You said:
"This may sound kind of nasty, but I am SICK SICK SICK of hearing that alcoholism is a disease as if that is some kind of excuse ..."
This has helped me; I offer it in the hope that it will help you or someone else: "A reason is not an excuse."
Addicts of any type, in my experience, may twist words to mean whatever they want the words to mean.
Good-intentioned people, including me, don't communicate perfectly, especially when the communication is via the written word or online chat or online message boards.
I encourage you to attend face-to-face Al-Anon or open AA meetings. They have helped me so much. I consider our Al-Anon group here at Miracles in Progress very strong. But face-to-face meetings are easier for *me*.... everybody else's mileage may vary. :)
I hope it will help you to keep in mind that "A reason is not an excuse." But, as always, "Take what you like and leave the rest."
I think calling alcoholism/addiction a disease has been helpful for people to see themselves as sick and needing care. And of course an active alcoholic will co-opt the 'disease' idea and pervert it to support their continued drinking and using :D and all around irresponsible behavior.
Sometimes I think it is more a 'disease' of cowardice than some substance or other. The powerlessness comes AFTER the first drink. You lift your arm and pour it down your throat and you stop when you want to. Period.
While working in rehab, I had people throw themselves on the floor and BEG for admission, they wanted to quit so bad. They were in DTs and shaking so bad and trying so HARD not to drink in spite of the withdrawls that my heart was won over. Their vital signs were so elevated from their determination NOT to drink that they needed immediate admission to the emergency room, not rehab. They were so willing to not drink they could have died if they didn't seek medical attention . . . now THAT'S willingness!!
You're right on, your husband is not powerless when he picks up the beer. From someone who's anger and rage has made me physically and mentally ill, I'm more worried about you taking care of yourself than HIM and his fantasies about having a disease.
You are not nasty you are HUMAN !! We have all felt this way at one time or another some of us as recent as 10 minutes ago. :) I believe the addiction is powerful but to give up families, careers, $$ heck everythig for a drink ?? Seems silly to me but I know that it is real. They hurt us so desperately by their harsh words that cut like knives.
Keep coming back.. I too am still searching for that baby roller coaster . ( the day when it doesnt hurt so much )
You are not nasty, just very angry. IF I had a very treatable form of cancer and went against everything my Doctors told me I needed to do to get well I would still have the disease.
It is up to the person if they want to get well. Alanon is about me. If I am going to stay in this relationship then I had better figure out how to get myself as well as I possibly can so I do not play into their disease. It is THEIRS to deal with.
Come back often
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
I know it's a disease - I have seen aspects of my husband's personality that were barely evident when I first met him 25 years ago, grow to become dominant, and almost all of them fit very neatly in a list of alcoholic personalities. If you have the symptoms, you have the disease.
This is not a 'get out of jail free' card, however. Just because he is doing what he is doing, because of a disease rather than sheer badness, does not mean that we have to accept unacceptable behaviour.
For me, accepting the reality of the disease, means that it is possible for me to have some compassion for him. Personally, I was quite slow in understanding what the problem was in our lives. Slowly he turned from a loving man into a raving monster - irresponsible, angry, erratic, blaming, abusive - and I just couldn't figure it out. Was it me? Was it because I was a bad wife? Was he just an asshole all along, and I hadn't recognized it? How could he be what I KNEW he was, a good man who loved me and the kids, and yet do the things he did? It made no sense, and much of my pain and confusion came from trying to do the magic thing that would make it all go away.
I remember the moment this all changed for me. He was standing in our bedroom, screaming at me in total rage, barely coherent, out of control, threatening to kill me. It was the third time that week he had come home hammered and done this - walked in the door, worked himself up to a rage in about half an hour, with no input from me at all, I don't think I had said one word the whole time. The kids were upstairs cowering in their beds, as usual. I looked at the distorted, screaming face of the monster in my home. I knew, if I knew anything in the world, that he loved me, and I knew even more that he loved those children upstairs. Suddenly it was like a flash of light "He is not destroying us and himself because he wants to, because he thinks it's fun. He's doing it because THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM!"
The calmness that came from that insight never really left me. I realized that it wasn't me, it wasn't him, it just was, and that took away my paralysis. I made up my mind that the next time things got too much for me, I would pack up the kids and go - not just to a motel for a night, which I had done a few times before - but for good. A lot of things happened over the next few weeks, I made some changes and a couple of small miracles came (it's a long story, I've told it here before and I'm sure I will again) but the upshot is that once I realized that I didn't have to fix it, that I COULDN'T fix it, things got better in our home. I ended up not having to leave. It took him another three years to sober up - he went through a hell of addiction in that time, but for the first time in our marriage, I didn't run along in hell beside him. For me, it was the realization that he wasn't doing this on purpose, that I didn't have to hate him, that made it possible for me set some boundaries, and take my life back.
Your anger is something I think we all can understand. I know for me it was something that I dealt with before Alanon. Some of my anger was because I could not understand what the heck was happening in my life. I didn't like what happened to my Ah, to me and to our marriage. Why??? was my big question.This is so unfair. Why did you have to drink after all those years of sobriety. I am a good wife..I did all the things I was supposed to do..why??? I did know it was a disease. But I didn't understand the disease. It is a baffling disease that affects the mind, the body and the spirit. I too couldn't understand why he picked the drink and drank it..yes that was a choice. What I didn't know is what was going on in his mind, body and spirit. What I did was learn about the disease. Reading the Big Book they use in AA helped. I also read everything I could about the disease. I also helped to learn that they have to hit their bottom..they have to want to recover in mind, body and spirit before they can embrace their own recovery. Hitting bottom is different for each person. Their thought process has to change in order for recovery to begin to take hold. It is really a challenge for the alcoholic to do this when they are in the fog of alcohol. It is not easy for those who love an alcoholic to see them hit bottom...and then fight to a point where they start their recovery. What I did for me is realize I too had been affected by the disease..I too was angry..hurt..lonely. Alanon helped me begin my recovery. Learning the 3C's...i didn't cause, i can't cure it and i can't control it were an eye opener for me. Learning to begin to take care of me has helped me alot. You will get thru the anger. You can heal from the pain. You are not a nasty person..you are someone who is hurting and who has been affected by the disease of alcoholism. So glad you are here and that you keep coming back. Hope to see you in the chat room. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I can understand exactly where you are coming from, lonelymom. Although I do think it is a disease, I think it's a disease of choices. After all, nobody was forcing the booze down my husband's throat. They do have a choice as to picking up that drink or not, and I'll never be convinced otherwise. And it does sound like a cop-out to say "I have a disease, I can't help it." Well, cancer is a disease..... Would you just roll over and let it kill you too?
I think your anger is completely normal, and it does not make you a bad person. Let yourself be angry and don't feel bad about it. You have a right to be angry!!!! You have to allow yourself to have that anger before you can work through it and let it go.
I know the anger you feel. My own was so deep, I didn't even know I could be so angry. The realization that it was poisoning me is what prompted me to first seek out alanon. I needed help with it, because it was just too damn big for me.
I am still angry about some things, and it flares a little once in a while, but for the most part, I am doing pretty good. Writing out all my angers helped a lot. My AH's portion was almost a book.
Hi - I learned in Al-Anon and open AA that it is a disease. If Al-Anon calls it a disease, I accept that it is a disease.
Accepting that it is a disease has helped me detach with love instead of hate. When I first detached, (i.e., avoided) it was with fear, disgust, and many other negative feelings including the feeling of betrayal.
If I hadn't been able to accept alcoholism as a disease, I might have killed the alcoholics in my life because I had absolutely no respect for someone who couldn't say "no" to alcohol.
At the time, I was a member of Overeaters Anonymous accepting that as a disease!! Figure that one out!! I had no control over my overeating!!!!
For me, I guess my food addiction helped me detach with love from the alcoholic. I now see it as similar to a diabetic who didn't cause their diabetes, a food addict who didn't intentionally cause their overweight or anorexia(underweight). I've never been a purger, but can you imagine that anyone really wants to stick their finger down their throat???
Take what you liked and leave the rest - for me, I'd have a hard time being civil to alcoholics if I didn't believe it was a disease.
I have felt exactly what you are feeling. I've never been to a f2f meeting yet, so I am not sure what to believe yet. (Wow lin060 what a powerful post) When my husband was drinking I never called it a disease and he never did either. I think if he was throwing exuses at me (other than blaming me of course) I would have killed him right then and there. It was sooo frustrating. His rock bottom basically was that we had no relationship anymore and I couldn't take it. I knew he couldn't do it on his own. He was too far gone. I told him that if he didn't get help that me and his children were leaving. Finally he realized that he couldn't do it alone and he sought help. He is 1000 times better since he stopped drinking. Don't get me wrong, we still argue about things. But it is not about drinking anymore. It will be about laundry or something stupid like that. If he gets help for the drinking there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck to you.
I can so relate to you. I don't understand the "disease" part of it and personally, I think it's a bunch of crap too. My mother died of a disease and it's insulting to put alcoholism and her disease (cancer) in the same category. I've told my AH over and over, put the damn beer down. How hard is that?? I also feel incredible anger over his selfishness and stupidity. Because of his drinking and irresponsibity, my credit is shot. I'm hoping I can get out of this marriage as quickly as possible with enough money to live on.
Honestly, it is so refreshing to read your post. Hang in there and know there are some of us who feel the same way.
I think its taken me a year or more to get to the A can't stop doing what's he doing He may want to but he can't till hes willing to ask for help and he's not.
As long as I believed I had some control over his actions I got nowhere. When I started to understand I didn't have much control over him I withdrew and detached and then became far more sane
I focused on how out of control I was rather than his behavior and that helped. I am also very very angry. I am also grief stricken, frustrated and fed up.
Anger helped believe me but trying to change him didn't.
I want my life back!
