The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How dissappointing. It is really hard to have realistic expectations when dealing with an alcoholic. Mine would do just what you described one year and then the next, I had gifts coming out of my ears. I never knew what to expect, but more times than not found myself disappointed. Either way, I was left feeling confused.
I hope you do something nice for yourself to take your mind off of it. Sending you my good thoughts, prayers, and (((((hugs))))).
I wish I knew what to say. I know exactly how you feel though, but unfortunately I am having a hard time with this topic also. My relationship with my A b/f recently ended (I was never offered an explanation on why he ended it). There were times in our relationship that he had no desire to make love. He blamed it on his medication for his Bi-Polar disorder. He said that the medication makes it so that sex isnt an interest for him. Do I buy this? I dont know, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I purchased a book that I was referred to called: Sexual Intimacy and the Alcoholic Relationship (Al-Anon : on Sex and Sobriety Series) (Paperback) After reading it things made more sense to me.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
What I'm hearing, actually, is that not only are you having expectations, but you're not expressing them. Rather than being direct about your needs, I'm hearing that there's a "Miss Cleo" element here. I keep hearing, over and over, that there's a sense "You should already know this." I'm also hearing that some how you're looking to be disappointed. I'm hearing that somehow you know you're not gonna win, you know you're not gonna be happy, and you know on special days like your anniversary that you're gonna get hurt, so I keep hearing that you're looking for ways to be disappointed. I would recommend looking at this through an inventory and looking at this through the prospectus of what the word "reasonable" means to you. what is it that you're looking for? why? and I would talk this through with a sponsor, someone that you know has the ability to unbiasedly help you see the validity of the expectations. A good benchmark example of a valid expectation for me was always the stop light. Eventually, if I sit there long enough, any stoplight will turn green (even if it's broken). This is a reasonable expectation. Perhaps looking at your relationship in this prospective may help you.
Hate that you had a disappointing evening with your AH. I am all too familiar with those special occassions going a rye. The last one for me was Valentine's Day. One thing I have realized since then and going back over some of our couple's therapy strategies is that cards, gifts, little forget me nots, are more important to me than to my AH. He feels that if he is present for a meal, a hug, and kiss, a hello or just saying Happy whatever day is enough. He doesn't even send cards to his parents on their birthdays. My expectations of him somehow changing this behavior and showering me with cards and treats is pretty unrealistic. Our counselor basically said if you want it you have to ask for it, even if you have to ask him to ask you how your day was. Now to me this felt so awkard, but I'm getting better. Mother's day is coming up and this year I know exactly what I want. I have it all set up and ready for my AH to order, all he has to do is get on the website, plug in the order number and run the card. I don't think he has the mindset to think thoughtfully of others in this capacity. Maybe it would help to take your AH's perspective into consideration. I'd revisit the subject when he's not upset and your not upset. Hope the situation gets better for ya. Have a good day filled with peace and joy.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
