The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am working to actually *feel* my own feelings instead of focusing on the pain of others, which registers more strongly in my mind and body than my own pain does.
Working my Al-Anon program helps. Seeing a post such as yours helps.
I understand that feeling. It might help you, for you, to go to open AA meetings, to see sober people at work, who are not brand new sober. People who are brand new sober are miserable to be around, and kudos to you for having the courage to admit it. It might also help you to go to open AA meetings jut to recieve the energy present in the rooms there. If you can, one of the things that has helped other al anons is writing letters to the disease, their alcholic, so on so forth. This allowed them to get out the hate without feeling as if they were complete failures. Additionally, some al anons have found great hope--I have--by bringing meetings to rehab centers, prisons, and places like that. I also know that al anons who's aa were brand new sober who got into volunteerism felt a lot more control over their life. It was a way for them to channel energy into something other than themselves. You've heard me talk about my painting? This is another thing that al anons have done. Crochet, knitting, painting, whatever, people have gotten involved in something that forces them to focus to breathe and to just keep going. STRONG IN THE BROKEN PLACES, an essay in the book LET ME GRIEVE, BUT NOT FOREVER, suggests that in times of hard transition we need to let go and hang in, and then as we do, God will seal up the cracks in our life with his love, even if we think we're gonna die. I think also, if nothing else, it's prudent to remember that this too shall pass. If you ever have done ER duty at a hospital, for any length of time, you begin to see the horror of the disease and you gain a sense of gratitude. No one wants to talk about AA or Al anon, simply because the wounds are too fresh. They've just lost their loved one, or, alternatively, watch them come back from the brink of death, and it's prudent to realize that, in a very real sense, we are very very lucky. WE have found how very authentic we are, and how very true to ourselves we can be without causing egrigious harm to another. I mean, seriously, what other, more serious ham can befall another than ODing on drugs? It is worth considering that before we allow ourselves to drown in our feelings that we try, however falteringly, to have a sense of humility about our lives. After all, our lives are our own because we are in al anon.
As some of you know, I left my husband, but am now back with him, trying to reconcile, and he's agreed to go to counseling with me to try to work on the marriage.
He's been sober 3 years this month. He's not "fallen off the wagon" as far as I know. He owns a small moving business, and he has to hire drivers, since he is without a license til next January. He mostly hires other recovering A's to drive, ones that have licenses. Or at least I thought he hired licensed drivers. I found out this morning, quite by accident, that one he hired a few weeks ago doesn't have his back yet...his "attorney hasn't mailed it back to me yet", the guy says. So this morning, the guy (we'll call him Bob for easy reference) calls my H and says he is running about 20 minutes late to pick up the moving truck (i.e. Penske, UHaul, etc.) and then come get my husband for a move. Bob says he overslept. My H says to me that he hopes the owner of the moving truck, with whom he deals frequently, didn't forget to leave the key to the truck out above the visor in said truck.
Seems Bob got to the truck, found no key, and called my H to tell him that there was no key (moving truck owner opens up his store at 9 am, this was prior to 8 am). My H asks me if I can take him to meet Bob at another truck leasing company to rent a different truck. I say sure, so we leave. Then I say, you should ask Bob to see his license and then make sure it's valid. I've many times in the past mentioned for him to make copies of their driver's licenses, whoever may be driving for him. He agrees that he will do that. On the way to meet Bob, my H calls him and asks if he has his license with him, as the truck place will need to copy it if he's to drive the moving truck. Bob says no, hasn't received it yet. I am mortified when my H says, well, I'll just use him for today, and then not anymore until he gets his license. I say, that's a big risk, two non-licensed recovering A's driving a moving truck. My H agrees, says he'll find another driver today and let Bob go. Bob comes over to our car, I say, I'm a little ticked because you lied to my H about your license, what trouble that could lead to potentially. He apologizes and then I say, that's all I have to say, and he walks off to his vehicle. Funny, my H just sat there and said nothing.
Then my H goes to Bob's vehicle and tells him we are getting another driver.
On the way to the halfway house to find another driver, it clicks (I'm a little slow sometimes) that he knew earlier that Bob had no license on him all the times he has driven in the past two weeks, and I said how foolish I felt for coming down on Bob, when my H knew all along. He said "sorry". (Actually I said more than that, lol.)
I'm thinking, we talked about being honest, he has lied, he doesn't think he did, he thinks only that he omitted that little detail. Little detail, huh...
How is "working your program" actually beneficial when you are still telling lies, or at least not being honest and breaking the law? My H still has been driving, when he thinks I don't know it. He drove when I had moved out, and when he came clean to me about that, he said it was because I had left him to fend for himself and that he was hungry and had to go to the store. I told him to think of HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, or tired...call your sponsor...whatever...). If he gets ONE more DUI or DWOL (?) he will be a "habitual offender", the court said. Does he not see that? What about that isn't clear?? And then, that means I'm married for the rest of my life, or however long, to someone who needs a ride constantly, and who will only continue to break the law and drive.
What is so hard about waiting to drive when you get your license back?? And yet he even allows someone else without a license to drive for his business. SICK, SICK, SICK. I've told him that if he needs a ride to tell me, I'll help out.
I told him that I want a glimmer of hope that he is trying to work his program. I told him that he is still the same person he was before, he's lying to me, doing things illegally, trying to fool me, trying to keep stuff from me when it concerns me (I'm part of our moving business too...it's our main source of income).
How do I just get to where I can let this go and not worry about it...to let him reap what he sows? There is so much involved with his DWOL, financially, emotionally, whatever, that it's hard for me to just tell myself that it's his business what he does.
I'm SICK, SICK, SICK AND TIRED OF THE LIES and how they can't see that what they're doing is wrong or illegal.
You wrote, "How do I just get to where I can let this go and not worry about it...to let him reap what he sows? There is so much involved with his DWOL, financially, emotionally, whatever, that it's hard for me to just tell myself that it's his business what he does."
ummm ... er.... well ..... just speaking for myself: I don't see this as a situation where only *he* is involved, so I don't see that your doing your best to work your Al-Anon program would lead you to give up and sit in the path of an oncoming truck (with or without a licensed driver). :) Does anyone in their right mind want to throw themselves in front of an oncoming rental truck? I don't even like to be near them when I'm in my car! lol My point is ... something or someone or some emotion or whatever seems (to me, just to me reading your words) to be leading you to think that "letting go" means "giving up."
In working my Al-Anon program daily for 12 years, I've come up against situations where I was working my program and focusing on *myself* and doing what my best judgment and calmest rational thoughts and inner wisdom and inner guidance led me to do to protect my health, safety, life, finances, and so on -- and yes, I had plenty of other people, including some Al-Anoners, telling me that I was wrong and they were right and I had to do it their way and that I was not letting go and letting God and so on.
I learned as a child to say, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." As a child and now as an adult, I know that words can hurt me, no matter how many times I say that childhood rhyme.
I will share this with you that someone once told me, "Sometimes you can be right even if the whole world says you're wrong."
I am willing to believe that you can find your way (with support) to answer your question since I found my way (with support) to answer my own question.
In any case, in my not-so-humble opinion, "letting go" doesn't mean "giving up and sitting in front of an oncoming truck."
I LOVE what Maria123 said "feel, deal, heal." Great words to write down and look at when we are feeling angry or sad. I still get angry sometimes about my AH. He is sober right now and working his program, but he is not home. It was my choice he not be here and is still the way it has to be, but I get mad because I think he SHOULD be here, we shouldn't have had to go though the things we did, and I shouldn't have to go through this pregnancy and take care of the kids by myself. I have to take a minute to remind myself it's ok to feel those things, but that if I don't let go I will go back to the way I used to be and just let him come home even though I am really not ready for that.
lmt, it's good to hear from you even though things are going "south" for you at present. i have thought of you over the past few weeks, and wondered when you would come back to mip. welcome back. I'm sorry about your disappointments. Do hope you'll keep coming back :)
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Not much more I can add to these replies. But I'm sending you all the love and best wishes hon. I'll say extra prayers for you.
Love and blessings to you. Kiss your kitties for me.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
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