The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you know my alcoholic husband walked out on me and the kids on Easter. Just said he cant do it anymore and left crying ( so was I ) .. I cried all day Sunday and Sunday night then managed to get up and get myself off to work. Well, he called me to "check in" and see how I was doing. I said FINE, well he began crying really hard in fact so hard after a few minutes he said I will call you back.. I got home from work and he was there laying on the bed and he was crying really hard..He said he is so confused, between court ordered AA, ADAP classes, counseling apts, and his ignition lock system the court installed he is loosing it.. Then he has to deal with me ( whatever that means ) I told him he has to figure out what he wants his future to look like and move in that direction. Today, he has called twice and we have talked about household stuff but not anything else. Now I am afraid he will just want to come home and pretend that everything is okay and although, i would like to do that I know that I cant. The codependent person wants to sweep everything under the rug and pretend that everything is okay but I know that isnt good and I cant do that .. YIKES....
You hit the nail on the head. He will want to come back because you are his comfort zone. I told you he will be back and all your crying will be for nothing and as any good codependant does, you will want to help and take him back. I really really hope you take this time to focus on you and let him figure out the mess he got himself into. THIS is exactly where he needs to be. He needs to be confused, it's a healthy thing for an alcoholic to see what mess he has made of things and to NOT have anyone bail him out of it or help him in any way. Now he is going to pull out the big guns, the crying, the begging, the I'm sorry's, the I'm scared and need you's. He won't stop until he has you thinking that everything is fine and he's changed when in fact he hasn't. I went through this stage as well and all I did was prolong getting treated like crap and I didn't help him one bit. I enabled him by helping him. I hope you find it inside you to tell him to get himself out of his mess but this time away from you. You keep yourself healthy and better yourself. We are here for you. Your in my prayers.
This is the kind of thing that is so unique to this disease. I haven't heard of diabetics doing these things, or even cancer patients. This painful, confusion. The drama they create and we join in with. It hurts all of us involved so badly. We have feelings, to see someone we are attached to be in such pain regardless of if they brought it on themselves is hell. I have been there too and still feel so vividly the pain,anger,confusion,need to fix and control. I can't count how many times I swept it all under the rug, moved on as if nothing had happened.Until I couldn't do it anymore. For him, me or the kids. Do what you can, not what you think others expect you to do. This is part of this painful, baffeling disease and you are dealing with it, you are here and you are loved just because you are here. take care of you...only you know what you want and need to be happy.
Hi Tammy, I read your previous post and unfortunately know your situation. You are in the best place you can be. Keep posting. Hopefully you have found a face to face meeting in your town.
By what you are writing, your A is on his slippery slope...Journal this...so when he comes crying to you, you can read your journal and see the patterns. As codependants, we tend to forgive so quickly hoping it will get better if we do. But it doesn't.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
A's are notorious "finger pointers". It's easier for him to point his finger at you than at himself. That would make HIM responsible for his actions, and he doesn't want to assume that.
Stay separated if you can. You didn't throw him out, so you can't feel the guilt we codependants tend to feel. Give yourself a break from the drama. You have the advantage of the courts on his tail. Let them handle his disease for a while. He just may get sober...and then you may have a chance.
Wow, the roller coaster always continues, doesn't it??? I know exactly how you feel, it is comforting in a way to realize that yes, he DOES need me and want me, that he is hurting and knows that you are the one that can make him feel better. I wouldn't know what to do either. It sounds like you did the right thing, by telling him to imagine what he wants his future to be like. The trouble is an alcoholic doesn't know what to do, it is all so confusing.
Pray for him, pray for you to be strong. Take care of yourself, keep doing what you are doing for you. Set an example for him. Be compassionate and be loving, but let him have his disease. Get the book "Getting Them Sober" and read it every single day! It saved me and taught me the true meaning of detachment.
My prayers are with you, you are very strong and you love this man with all your heart, I know it. Sometimes loving them means letting them hurt to get better...
So he's going to AA...that's good. When he starts the crying thing...consider suggesting he call his sponsor or go to a meeting or both. And then leave with loving detachment. These are the consequences of his drinking. He has to feel them fully. It is hard for him, but necessary. It's the first time he's actually felt the consequences. Let him feel them with no interference or comments from you. Just be understanding with loving detachment.
One day if he continues to attend AA, the fellowship of the group will be more of a pull to him than you. He won't go to you for help, he'll go to them (there's something about the fellowship that is the key to AA). When and if he does that, you'll still have you. I found reading the Alanon magazine, books or tapes really helped me during times like these.
