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Just when I'm doing ok he calls. We talk like we always have. He listens to me and I listen to him. We talk and talk and talk. We hang up the phone and the tears fill my eyes. I miss him so much. I wish these calls were coming 5 years from now and he were to tell me that he's been straight. He may have his reasons for ending our relationship, but if he didnt still care about me I dont think he'd call. In the past 2 days, I've talked to him at least a dozen times. All from him dialing me. He had asked for his space, and I gave him his space.
He'll call when he sees something that reminds him of us, or when he remembers something funny we've done. Then I think, what do I do if he asks to see me? Do I give in and see him? Do I make an excuse not to see him? My heart wants this man. My heart wants to see this man. I wish I could just wake up and all this was a bad dream.
I'm trying so hard to keep busy and focused on me and my "recovery" from this relationship ending so abruptly.
Can a relationship with an alcoholic ever work? Realistically how long should an A be clean before they resume a relationship? I wish someone would say that 6 months was ok although I know thats not the answer.
Neither of us knows what our futures hold, but I do know that I love this man with all my heart.
Why are things in life so challenging?
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I feel so much for you and what you are going through. It must be very hard. I can tell from your post that you are a strong person and somewhere deep inside you are the answers you seek.
Keep coming here for the support, come into chat and talk with us, there are meeting in chat also that we would love you to join.
Todays just a tough day. Just feeling like I had finally met the man that "took my breath away" and then he was gone. Never once did he get drunk or use drugs in front of me. He always said I was too good of a person for him, that he didnt deserve me. I just want him better. I want him to beat this crappy disease so he can live a normal life. And hopefully he can "take my breath away" again. As long as he doesnt give up on himself, I wont give up on him either. I know he can do anything he puts his heart into because he is such an amazing man.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
HEARTBROKEN IN NJ wrote: Can a relationship with an alcoholic ever work? Realistically how long should an A be clean before they resume a relationship? I wish someone would say that 6 months was ok although I know thats not the answer.
Neither of us knows what our futures hold, but I do know that I love this man with all my heart.
Why are things in life so challenging?
I know from the AA recovery it is suggested that he A spend a year of clean, program working recovery time before getting in a relationship (this aslo stops meetings from turning into "meetings" since eveyone will want to hook up with the newcomers). I don't know how realistic that is, esp if the recovering A is healthy or is already in a relationship. A year is a pretty long time to go at it alone, and you'll probably face the same issues at one year than you would at six months. On the flip side, a year devoted to recovery is one good chunk of time. If I could go back, I would give my A more recovery time- time with his friends in recovery, time at meetings that I didn't horn in on or ask questions about. Hind sight is 20/20.
Maybe just let him know you want to see him, but respect his recovery time. Relationships with A's can work, I fell head over heels with mine while he was still doing the program. But hey, I am not a relationship expert, I just play one online. Take care, Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
It was always a concern of mine that he'd "meet" someone in the program and end up dating them. In the past, I always heard a lot about new women in the program, etc. I'm a very secure woman but I still had that thought in the back of my head. I often wonder if he ended our relationship because he met someone in the program. Honestly, I could have accepted that and dealt with it. Its the not knowing why our relationship ended that confuses me and has broken my heart.
In the year that we dated, I only met 2 of his friends from the program. I felt like he was almost embarassed to introduce me to them. I say this because of comments he had made. He once said, "these people arent people you need to meet, they arent people you are used to" I never judge someone on their past and usually give them the benefit of the doubt.
I'm wondering if he realized that he does want to be with me. The first few weeks we barely spoke and now he calls all the time. I guess time will tell. I can say this though, I am going to continue going to the Alanon meetings and speaking with my friends about it because it does help. I just wish I could get inside his head to know exactly what his plan is. If he even has one.
One thing I never did was bug him about his drinking. I only said one or twice that I wish he'd slow down with it. I wasnt a nag. I didnt threaten to leave him if he continued drinking. I didnt give him ultimatums. I knew he had to get into the program because he wanted to. He wasnt going to do it for anyone else but himself, although I do think that our relationship had something to do with it, just a small part of it.
One day at a time but gosh I could sure use one of his hugs about now!! The main thing is that he is actively trying to beat this addiction!!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I'm lost. You love your husband and your in a relationship with another man for the past year. But you want your husband? Sounds like you've both done wrong. You said your ah has relapsed several times so I guess the question to yourself is are you willing to stand by him several more times if that's what it takes? I stood by mine and we have a happy marriage now.It took eight years. I did have him leave for five years but we kept contact throughout and I was never with another man or in another relationship. There is nothing wrong with being with this man(your ah) as long as you are aware of what your getting yourself into. Once you set ground rules down you can NOT let him cross them at all. Sounds like you're both very confused and maybe you should find couples counseling. You can work together through alcoholism. But if he was abusive verbally ect like you said he's not going to change at all without counseling. That's the only hope I can see for the both of you. That's just my opinion. I wish you luck. Things will eventually go back to the abusive ways that they were unless you and him both learn healthy ways to deal with life. Your in my prayers. ^i^
Somewhere along the lines you misunderstood me. This has nothing to do with my soon-to-be ex husband. I have been seperated from my husband for over 18 months. He was not an alcoholic nor do I love that man! We are in the process of finalizing our divorce.
My issues are with my boyfriend (ex boyfriend as of 4 weeks ago) We had been together for a year. He is the one that is an alcoholic who has been in the program for 6 months.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
HI there I think I may have suggested to you that he would be finding out just how much he needs you in his life . A are like boomerangs they keep commin back , he keeps calling to find out if your still around and waiting , part of this sick little game the disesese plays occasionally Find meetings for yourself get the focus on you again , he will find his way back or not ,not much ucan do about that . good luck Louise
Just want you to know that you are not alone.. I am having a difficult time too. I miss my husband very much. I just keep praying for strength to get going on :) I trust that my HP has my life all mapped out all I have to do is let go !! That is much easier said that done .
I am not one to pat myself on the back but in this situation I truly believe I was one of the best things thats ever happened in his life. Please don't take that wrong. Certainly I have plenty of faults. Given all thats transpired in his life tho, I do believe this. His family has said it to me numerous times and I just got to thinking that maybe they are right.
You may be right also. Perhaps he is just checking in to see what I'm up to. He does ask what I've been up to, and I do tell him that I'm keeping busy and spending a lot of time out with friends. I want him to know that I can continue on without it (although it stinks).
I have been attending meetings and they do help. Thanks for the insight!!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
It is much easier said then done. I can only imagine how you feel without your husband. It stinks to be without the person you love. Its like you know all their faults yet they still have this incredible place in your heart. I know my ex b/f will ALWAYS have a very special place in my heart and I miss him terribly!!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Heartbroken, I've read your posts and I doubt anyone would feel much differently than you do. Being heartbroken by a lost love is just about one of the greatest pains we go through.
Just reading through your words made me think of something I heard from a woman who I respect; 'just because you have a feeling or emotion does not mean you HAVE to act on it.'
I am seeing you having very strong feelings, like desperation and longing, and yet you are not acting on them. You aren't calling and leaving a million messages, or finding some other dysfunctional way to be around him. You are suffering, but keeping it where it belongs, in your heart and in the Alanon meetings you're going to.
Not sure if you noticed that about yourself (hard to see what we're doing RIGHT when suffering). I have a lot of respect for how you're handling this. Keep up the good work and give yourself the kudos you deserve!
Its so hard not to act on my feelings. He asked for space though and I am respecting that, I am not pestering him, not calling him, not going to his house. As much as it hurts being apart from him, I need to embrace the fact that he is handling this in his own way. That he is dealing with a very serious problem that would have killed him had he not stopped drinking and drugging. Of course their are lots of thoughts going through my head. I wonder if he is dating someone else or if he was truthful and just needs to concentrate on his sobriety for a while. Hopefully he isnt with someone else, but if he is then I hope he's happy. He knows I'm not all that knowledgable on AA and dealing with alcoholics because this was never a part of my life before him. In the past year, I've learned a lot because of him and for that I can thank him. I think I am definitely a stronger woman now.
While he is dealing with his sobriety, I am focusing on my children, my family and ME. My children always came first in our relationship because they are my babies and will love me unconditionally forever. He had a lot of respect for me concerning that although sometimes it did interfere with our plans, he appreciated that I am a good mom. Although I had an amazing bond with my A, the bond I have with my kids is 100 times greater. Everytime I get depressed thinking about my ex b/f I tell my kids, "Mommy needs a hug" and they come running.
And you're right, being heartbroken by a lost love is one of the most painful things we go through. I think its worse for women though. So many men I know can just walk away from a relationship and not look back. As a woman, I tend to try to analyze everything searching for answers. Its hard to let go of someone you loved so much. Oh well, another lesson in life.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Yea I'm lost. lol Sorry. I had to go back and read your first post so that's where I got that you were with your husband. I didn't understand that this was the boyfriend. I don't have any advice on this. I'm sure someone else here will though. Good luck hun.
If this were not a A, and you were just writing to Ann Landers or Dear Abby, you know what she would say, right? "He's just rattling your chain honey, don't answer the phone" and I think in this case that may be right.
It's time to stop worrying about him, and start worrying about you. These phone calls and contact are not making you feel better - they are fillling you with anxiety and self doubt, keeping it all about him. If it were me, I'd tell him I agree that you both need more space, and ask him to give me some. Somewhere in one of Toby Rice Drew's books she says something like "It's hard to get rid of an alcoholic" and she's right.
Keep the focus on you - think seriously, not in a wishful thinking way, about what is really best for YOU, right now, and then ask for it, clearly.
I wish it was that easy to "stop worrying about him". It isnt though, at least for me it isnt. This man was an active part of my life for a year. I am not the kind of person that can turn off feelings so easily. I worry about him. What if one of his calls was him reaching out to me because he was having a bad day? What if he really needed me? Although I am trying my best to move on I just cant shut him out 100%. Sure that is probably hindering my "recovery" but I care too much about his well being to do that.
Perhaps it is true that its hard to get rid of an alcoholic, but its harder to completely let go of a man that you shared so much love with.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
What if one of his calls was him reaching out to me because he was having a bad day? What if he really needed me?
I had those same feelings when my then-active AH would call. It kept me chained to the phone and anxious 27/7. I couldn't do anything for me because what if he needed me (which I realize now is what I lived for). What if I missed the one call that I kept hoping and praying he would make--the one in which he would say, "I'm sorry for everything, I love you, I want only you, I want to stop drinking, I want to fix our relationship, etc." I thought that if I didn't answer that one call, it would never happen.
It took me a long time to see how unhealthy my thinking was. Living with an A had made me insane!! The truth is that if my A really wanted to reach me, he would call back--he obviously had my number. The truth is that when he did call in the midst of his own insanity it was to check to see if I was still there "ready and waiting" no matter what kind of hell he was putting me through. I finally had to accept that that call did not mean the same thing to my AH as it did to me.
If the A is really reaching out for help, the A will find us, whether or not we pick up on the first ring. It is insanity for us to sit around, putting our lives on hold, waiting for that ring. I believe that this is true whether the A is using or not, in recovery or not.
My AH is now almost 2 years sober, we are separated and he calls at least once a day. It has taken me almost 2 years to reach a place where I can leave my cell phone in my purse and not have it with me throughout the day. I even left the house the other day to run errands and left the cell phone at home--I had to call my sponsor when I got home and tell her--I was so pleased with myself!!
If I don't answer when he calls, he leaves a message and I call him back--like a healthy couple should (or so I am told). Sometimes, I even wait awhile before I call him back. That is still hard for me to do, which is why I try to do it.
Just my E, S and Hope. I understand what you are feeling and it is tough!! Hang in there and keep coming back. And, as always, take what you liked and leave the rest. Have a great Wednesday!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Thankfully I dont keep it chained to me anymore. I did that in the beginning. I guess I was waiting for him to say he messed up and that he realizes how much he loves me and wanted me to resume my position by his side while he fights this horrendous disease. That didnt happen and it still hasnt. Of course I still check to see if he called, but I'm not afraid to leave the phone at home. If I dont answer the house phone, he'll call my cell. If he cant get me he'll leave a message. For anyone else, if they left a message I'd call them back as soon as I could. But I feel bad calling him back just because I am trying to respect his request for "space" so I usually just wait for him to call again. I dont know if thats the right thing or the wrong thing to do. I'm doing what I think is best. I do check in with his sisters, his brother and his mom almost daily. Either I call them or they call me, just to see how I'm doing. God forbid something were to happen, his whole family knows how to reach me and I can be at his house in less than 20 minutes. And I would go if God forbid he did something stupid. For months and months he would say that I was the only one he wanted to talk to, the only one that could calm him down and refocus him. I just wish he still felt that way.
He went from not calling for days to calling me every few hours. He knows I'm hurting over this and at least he calls and asks how I am. I am starting to think he misses me. But I dont want to let my guard down. I dont want to be back where I was a month ago.
He really does have a good heart. If he didnt I wouldnt have stuck by him for a year, and I certainly wouldnt have fallen in love with him. Only time will tell what Gods plan for us is. If it isnt me he ends up with and he chooses someone else, I will say this though, if he can stay sober and continues with his meetings whoever ends up with him is one lucky woman. He really is an amazing human being with a wonderful heart!!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
