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level.
My AH has been taking huge risks with the drinking and driving lately and he finally got caught on Friday night. His last DWI was about 4 years ago. The second DWI in ten year's time is serious in this state. He tested at .25. I guess when he left the bar on Friday night he could hardly even walk. He now is telling me that he needs treatment, but I'm sure he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear. It doesn't matter what he says now because I moved out about seven months ago and I have no intention of moving back in with him. He kept saying he wanted me back, but when he got caught with the DWI, he didn't want me to find out. The first person he called was one of his skanky girlfriends. She couldn't bail him out right away. He did finally get out of jail on Easter Sunday. Since his truck was confiscated, he couldn't see his family. He was going to pick up another girlfriend and take her to his family's house.
I was so sick over this all weekend and I couldn't stop crying. The problem is that we own a house together. I moved out and he said he would pay the mortgage and stay in the house. I found out he is two months behind on the mortgage. If he misses any work, he will be even further behind on the mortgage and the house will likely be foreclosed on. Since my name is on the mortgage, my credit will be ruined if the house is foreclosed on. We can't sell the house and even break even on it. The house is no longer worth what we paid for it. His drinking is going to ruin me financially. The man is almost 40 years old and he doesn't have a dime to his name. I flat out told him he was a loser and he said he learned it from me. I'm not the one hanging out with the trash of society, getting DWI's, or not paying my bills so I am just floored that he thinks I'm the loser. I can't wait to get divorced and try to chalk his memory up to a very bad dream.
Once again, I needed to vent to all of you. Thanks for listening. Any advice is welcomed! Lindy
First and formost you have to take care of you. Guess you have already started since you realize that you are not a loser, you didn't cause his issues and you can't fix them either. Since reading the literature here I have learned that guilt plays a big part in what my AW says to me.
Many times what she is saying to me is in reality what she feels or things and she simply can't take it, so she projects it onto me, the kids, the dog, the house.... anyone but herself.
The financial consequences can be devistating, but time and attention can fix all things. Even credit. We went through some similar things in the past and my credit plumeted, but it's back up now and it wasn't the end of the world.
If you do all you can to protect yourself and dis-associate yourself with as many of his depts as possible, then you have done what you can do. But in time even the fall out will pass.
Glad you are here, keep posting, it helps all of us to work things out together.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I would contact the bank immediately and take care of my part of whatever you need to, if you do this straight away, it will be best, make an appointment with whoever you need to see and get them to give you all the options, then you can make better decisions, it will also negate that awful anxiety, you are in my prayers.
Take all steps necessary to do what you can to protect yourself. Remember though then to try to accept the results.
If it ends up that you took all the right steps and it's foreclosed then you did all you could and there would be no use in giving yourself a breakdown on something that is beyond your control.
As for being floored that you think he is a loser? Why would you give him that kind of power ? I try to remember, what others think of me is none of my business. Being a people pleasure I need to remind myself of that often.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Just because he says it doesn't make it true - so I would try not to give any of his words any thoughts right now.
Try to take care of you - One day at a time - Try to focus on the Next Right Thing. Maybe you can find out what is the next step to protect yourself financially, legallly, emotionally, physically or spiritually.
Lindy, you do deserve to be safe in all of these areas - it may take time, but that's ok - One Step, One Day, One Foot in front of the Other.
Please be good to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Before you get foreclosed on you have a few options. He can file for bankruptsy in ONLY his name so your credit will be fine OR he can get refinanced OR you can find an investment buyer. When you do get the divorce you'll need to make sure that your half is protected so you might have to make a few payments until he can catch up. Foreclosure is not good on either of your credits. Good luck.
Since you are already getting divorced, you've probably talked to a lawyer.But in case you haven't talked about the house,maybe it's time to find out. Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Lindy have you spoke to your mortgage co? They surely have a loss mitigation dept. They help with things like you are speaking of.
They may even stop payments for so many months so you can sell the house. i know you don't want to, but it would save your credit.
they also can do other things to help. So I would call your mortgage co. Tell them your husband is ill. don't say you have moved out as some loans state you have to be in the house.
can you get him out and take over? You may be able to have your mortgage company redo the loan so it is affordable too.
one day, one step at a time.
No use worrying and crying. do what you can each day and have faith in your hp. give it up.
When I faced I may be homeless. I just surrendered. One good thing after another has happened.
i am money poor, but still here. Still have my place.
Isnt it funny they make bad choices do stupid things and we are the losers ?? (whatever!) Keep your chin up and remember what is important taking care of you. I also would call the mortgage company and try to get them to give you a little flexibility. Banks are doing that now since the forclosure rate is so high.
I can relate very much. I thought 2 years ago the A was at his worst but he isn't. The low point for him may be losing everything. I have to step aside. When we do step aside in whatever way it is tremendously painful. Do lean on this board a lot. I do sometimes posting several times a day. You will get through this.
I think its imiportant to put in perspective. Credit can be repaired your mental health can't.
I do understand your heart break. I have my own. I also have a sense I've reached my absolute limit. I can't do this anymore.
...I flat out told him he was a loser and he said he learned it from me. I'm not the one hanging out with the trash of society, getting DWI's, or not paying my bills so I am just floored that he thinks I'm the loser. I can't wait to get divorced and try to chalk his memory up to a very bad dream.
Sorry, the Universe is giving this dilemma as a gift to you - this isn't about him - it's about you. In my experience, when I didn't learn what I needed with the first alcoholic, the Universe made sure that I got a second alcoholic with worse problems so I coulld learn what I desperately needed to learn. I needed to heal my heart, to learn the principals and tools of Alanon, to become kind, to heal the raging, to put the mirror up to myself - did I like what I saw? Was my side of the street clean? I'm only responsible for my side of the street, no one else's. They may never stop drinking or drugging permanently. Grace and Dignity is in there too. Did I have it?
