Need ESH...what to do when the A gets drunk in front of friends - Al-Anon Family Group

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Need ESH...what to do when the A gets drunk in front of friends

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

((Twinmom))

Hate that your evening was made uncomfortable by his behaviors. And THANK YOU for being responsible & not drinking & driving. I truly appreciate people that make those decisions. It keeps our roads so much safer.

Hey, did you know that you don't have to apologize for someone's behaviors? Yes, she is your friend. Yes, he is your husband. BUT you are not responsible for HIS actions. Remember the three C's. It's not your fault. Really, It's not your fault.

Hope that you are able to have a really good day,
((Hugs))

Rita

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

He's the one getting drunk, he's the one who can do the apologizing. You could let him know (once) it's expected, if you don't think he'd pick up on it.

I wouldn't bother explaining anything to her, as she will figure it out (it's not as big a secret as we tend to think) unless you feel close enough to her. If you dislike having to deal with his nonsense while you are with her, you can make your invitations to her be for things that he would not expect to go along on - lunch, shopping, etc. Then she can either follow suit, or keep inviting him. If she keeps on inviting him to things that would naturally include drinking, you can assume she can handle it. You don't control her behaviour any more than you do his.

The thing is, you only need to feel embarrassed about things YOU do. He's not a little boy, you are not his owner or his trainer. If you don't like being out with him when he gets this way, build yourself a separate social life. It is not your job to run around, cleaning up his messes - he is not your puppy.

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

((((TM)))))

I am sorry you felt like you had to appologise for him. I have done that so many times I couldn't even count. I am not sure I really have any helpful hints. By the time I got into this program, nobody really invited us anywhere anymore. But with family and the few fiends we see on occasion I just stick to "... I'm not sure, but you could ask her." to questions like , "what was that all about", or "did I make her mad somehow".

What do you do when someone else is at the party and acting out. Does that stop you from having fun? Why?

I may sound like I don't have a problem in this area, but I am a worrier through and through. And I want to save her and everybody else. Just like you I am trying to figure out, why because it makes me unconfortable.

So glad you had a good time with those kiddos!

Take care of you!

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess I see his bad behavior as a reflection on me, but you all are right, its not me getting drunk and out of control its him. I'm so concerned with how people view us as a couple and a family. This is probably why I don't evite him to company events. I don't want to take the chance that he'll get drunk. I hink another part of it bothering me has to do with the kind of work I do and me feeling my family is just as messed up as the people I work with.

Thanks for the responses, I needed to hear it.
Peace

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My mother used to tell me, "what others do, has no reflection on you."

My husband was like that. Wasn't obnoxious, but really the life of the party.
I remember one time though, we were at an outside art show, This couple we knew came up and were laughing with him saying he was three sheets to the wind last they saw him. I was so humiliated.

Was young then.

I agree with everyone. No one may have even given it a second thought. If you act unconcerned they probably will be too.

I would not want someone making excuses for me. They are still a person, deserving respect, even thought they have a terrible disease.

much love,debilyn

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Others disagree with me, but I think apologizing is the only civil thing to do. I cannot imagine doing otherwise. Is HE going to apologize?? Most likely not. If I bring someone to another's home, I feel at least partially responsible for his behavior. And if I have a good idea what is going to go on before it happens, I am more than partially responsible. If you were embarrassed and humiliated, you can bet others were too. To ignore this is a breach of good form.

JMHO,

Diva

-- Edited by Diva at 12:43, 2007-04-09

-- Edited by Diva at 12:45, 2007-04-09

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Wel I can tell u what not to do hehe don't try and hide him it is impossible to hide a drunk they just dont co operate at all .
Step back and remember your not responsible for his behavior , it's hard I know but when we try to keep them in control we always end up looking like the idiot , thas what happened to me all the time .
If h e wants to make a complete ass out of himself , let him . don't make excuses for his behavior , or try to cover up for him . say nothing his actions will speak for themselves . its difficult learning to detach from thier behavior but possible , practice practice practice . Your friends have probably already figured out that he has a problem . We seem to be the last ones to figure it out . go figure
Al-Anon prints a pamphlet that is called Detachment it is amazing , I believe u can access it on line and print it out for yourself , I used it like a map on how to detach with love and respect for the A while allowing him to be responsible for his own mess . WSO site has a copy of it on thier site . It made my part in the mess perfectly clear . Louise

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

What were you thinking? You know he's an A so why in the world would you go to a place where you know there will be alcohol? As my husbands wife I would not have suggested to go out especially to a place where there would be alcohol. If you had a sitter why didn't you go to a movie or somewhere else? No you are not responsible for him drinking but you are an enabler by being a "designated driver" for one and two by going out. You have to take some responsibilty as his wife.
I personally would not apoligize to your friend, you knew he was an A. You should not have put him in that situation. Your his wife, you should be supportive but going the OTHER direction....which is away from the alcohol. Please try some AA meetings and then some al-anon meetings. I wish you both the best of luck and your both in my prayers.

jaja · Senior Member

I agree with Diva. I would have apologized just because you were with a friend. I wouldn't go into his being an alcoholic unless she's a close friend but she saw that he had way too much to drink. It messed up the evening. Kinda hard to have a good time with a friend when your A is with you acting like a crazy man heavily under the influence. So I would just apologize that the night out with her didn't turn out so nice. I can understand your embarrassment. But I would never apologize to anyone for his behavior for anything else like at his job, or a party or a family, community event or anything else. And soon you'll be able to see that it's all on him and the embarassment will get less and less. In fact, he'll be embarassed about himself and probably is already......jaja

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Friendofyours, I'm sorry but I must disagree quite strongly. Again and again, alanon tells us that an alcoholic's drinking is his business, not ours. It is not our job to protect them from a world where drinking happens. A wife is not a jailer, nor is she her husband's mommy.

We can NOT control it, and pretending we can. by saying where and how he socializes, just reinforces unhealthy attitudes in our own minds. If we feel that it is up to us to keep him away from a place where there will be drinking, then it follows that it is our fault when these strategems fail, and he gets drunk anyway.

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I do agree with lin, there's no way I can force him to go somewhere he doesn't want to go. I mean literally there's pot and alcohol all around us. I've tried monitoring, I've tried steering him away from one place and suggesting the "the clean" evening out. He takes offense to it and the night is blown. One boundary I do enforce is that I don't buy alcohol for him, not with my money anyway. If he happens to lay hands on money of his own accord and buys alcohol I can't say much accept keep out of sight. I think my friend knew he'd gone downhill by the end of the night. As his wife, I wish I had that much control over where we go, what we do, who we do it with. It has made things very difficult for us. I'm happier staying out of his way at this point, maybe he'll hit bottom faster.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

"Again and again, alanon tells us that an alcoholic's drinking is his business, not ours. It is not our job to protect them from a world where drinking happens. A wife is not a jailer, nor is she her husband's mommy."

Lin I think this is mixing apples with oranges. My idea of an apology due is not to protect the alcoholic...far from it. The apology I would offer goes something like this: "I am sorry for bringing him into a situation in your home that embarrassed and humiliated you. I should not have done that. Please accept my apology." The apology is for MY part in this, not the A's. He's on his own.

I could not just allow something like to happen, and then take the attitude that it's not my problem and not my business. I guess I have a different take on the semantics of AlAnon's intent.

Diva

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

lin0606 wrote:

Friendofyours, I'm sorry but I must disagree quite strongly. Again and again, alanon tells us that an alcoholic's drinking is his business, not ours. It is not our job to protect them from a world where drinking happens. A wife is not a jailer, nor is she her husband's mommy.

We can NOT control it, and pretending we can. by saying where and how he socializes, just reinforces unhealthy attitudes in our own minds. If we feel that it is up to us to keep him away from a place where there will be drinking, then it follows that it is our fault when these strategems fail, and he gets drunk anyway.

I understand where your coming from and why you would think this way. All marriages are different. I am my husbands best friend and he will do things that I suggest so I am happy and he will put his happiness behind mine. As his best friend and wife I would NOT have accepted an invitation to go "out" especially to a club where she knew there would be alcohol. No, she's not in control of what he does but she 100% could have detoured him. No way in heck would I offer to take my husband to a bar knowing full well that he is fighting a disease. What kind of a wife does that make me? She said she was the one that accepted the invitation. He was only doing it to make her happy. There does come a time in an alcoholics life that he may be able to handle being around drinkers. But that is still going to be hard. I know that I'm not an alcoholic but if I go into a bar, I'm going to drink! I don't smoke either but I would probably have a cigerette to....so you know what I DON'T do? Go to a bar! I would never never NEVER suggest to my husband that we go out to a place where they are drinking. I would suggest a beach walk, or a picnic, or a movie or a hundred other things I could think of. Do not for one second act like it was all his fault on this one. I'm sorry but I do not side with the wife on this. I am sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings that was not my intentions. It was my intentions to open the ah's wife to a little more. Alcohlics struggle every day and it's HARD and we as wife can set the strongest examples for them.....not lead the horse to water.

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