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Happy Easter to all!--I am quite "preplexed" over the topic of making amends. we just got back from a Great Easter Sunday service. The minister talked on forgiving, making amends, clean slate--(New beginning-Easter) etc. My Hubby's brother and wife are "mad" at us---very many family problems etc. etc. etc-------I could go on for 25 pages--------doesn't matter. We have called them 2-3 times, left messages, made amends (we were not sure for what) still no contact with them. They have "burned bridges" with everyone on her side of the family and his. I think we have done all we can to make amends-hubby says he will keep trying "as long as it takes". I think then we are just being walked on. Any opinions???
Making amends! In reading what you posted, you said you and your husband called and made amends "(we were not sure for what)". Making amends is something we should do when we have done something wrong to someone. Now if I am trying to make amends for something to someone and I don't know what I am making amends for, then doesnt sound like the real deal to me. Sounds like I might just be trying to smooth over a situation, whether I did something wrong or not. And the smoothing over part, or reaching out to someone that we are having problems with doesnt necessarily require us to make any amends if we don't have anything to be sorry for. We have to look at our part in things for sure! Then decide if an amends is owed.
Forgiveness and making amends are two different things. Foregiveness is letting go of a wrong done to us, making amends is admitting our error to someone else (and sometimes to ourself).
Making amends is primarily for us, the person making the amends, in my opinion. We do it to stop carrying the junk inside us for a past mistake which we have made. Now certainly it can be a good thing for the person to whom we are making amends..but not always. We do our part. If we have harmed someone in some way, we try our best to make amends to them. Whether or not the other person chooses to accept the amends is beyond our control.
What concerns me about what you are writing is that, indeed, I think you're being manipulated. Do you have a sponsor? Have you worked any of the other steps? Amends, as David suggested, are not apologies. Amends implies that we look at our past and we begin a process of correction where we try to set right our behaviors and our patterns so that not only do we benefit but so does the world. We look at ourselves as responsible citizens of the global community of the human race and try to find ways to continue to renew it. Example: Amend: "Mom, I would like to talk to you about how I behaved toward you when you divorced dad and married John. There was no excuse for the pattern of behavior I engaged in, and how I was reactive, volitle, and cruel. I was manipulative, hurtful and hateful. I placed you in positions that found you to choose between John and me, which is uncalled for. Having said all this, I am willing to go to any lengths to rebuild our relationships. What, from your prospective, were my most hurtful actions and what, in your mind, do I need to do to set right the wrongs?" **NOTICE: There is NO MENTION of "I'm sorry!"**
Apology:"Brandy, I want to apologize for blowing my stack the other day in front of the customers. That was rude and uncalled for. I want to let you know that my father's drinking again and he's taking out his rage on me. I'm not excusing my behavior, I'm not asking you to change the note in my employment file, but I'm hoping that by sharing some of what's going on with me, I can better communicate with you where I'm at in my head." **NOTICE: I take full responsibility, I DO NOT fall all over myself, and I DO NOT ask my boss for pity**
Amends: "Carl, I would like to talk to you about how I behaved during fall term about a year ago. I realize now I behaved in irrational, embarassing, and inappropriate ways. I can only imagine how I made you feel, and I have no excuse for how I effected you. You were taking time out of your scedule to tutor me in Chem and I was making you out like a fool. It was wrong, uncalled for and unkind. Having said all this, what, in your mind, was my most grievious offense, and what, in your mind, can I do to set right the past?" **NOTICE: I take MY INVENTORY! I KNOW what I did wrong! I NEVER plead or beg!*
I hope this gives you a guideline as to how amends are made. This is how my sponsor taught me, and how her sponsor taught her, so on and so forth.
i was quickly going to reply/respond to your post, but then read a little further to David's reply. All I have to say, now, is
read the above post.
I have people that I've made amends to that choose not to communicate or revive our relationship. That's okay, today, but in my codependency, I would have kept on keeping on trying to get EVERYONE to like me or accept me... just doesn't happen. Too bad for them. If it is their friendship that YOU miss, take heart, you have a lot of friends right here. If it is the family closeness that you miss, take heart, you have a lot of close family right here.
I finally got to a place in my life where I go to the supermarket to pick up that loaf of bread.
Happy April 8! with love your brother/friend cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
