The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having a bad day. We used to have a big easter egg hunt with all the family (about 30) at our house with a big ham dinner. We all had so much fun. This disease has taken all of those people from me. I tried so hard to put on my happy face for the kids sake. But I am not in a good spot. My ex ah texed me again with his new cell number. Immediate rage on my part, aniexty, spinning thoughts. Why did he change his number? Because his new girlfriend is on a different carrier? This seriously bothers me. Makes me crazy! Gosh, I hate being this sick. So, I call his new number with only anger and hate in my voice. I call it like 3 times and it goes to his voicemail. Again, my insanity analizes his voice on his greeting message. He sounds like crap, like he's using. When he's not using he sounds friendly and formal. He always changes his greeting when he's using and it always changes to "hey, leave a message." O.k. was that like half a page analizing my EX AH's greeting on his cell phone?! Like I said, I'm not in a good spot. I see the trigger. This is a hard holiday for me. I have no one to talk to about this. I called my best friend but she just doesn't get it. I hope she never will. Took the kids to church then to my mother's and she couldn't even get it together enough to make a little dinner. Just got frozen waffels and sausages and then whined that I wanted to just go home. I have to remember these things when my kids are going thru stuff. To be loving and not selfish. If she had just held her arms out and comforted me.....yeah, expectations are my downfall. Anyway, I left a message on my EX AH's cell saying (in a very nasty tone of voice) "Please stop contacting me. I will be happy to talk to a lawyer when you get one. Disability has called me 2 times about your claim and that you need to set up an appointment with them. I gave them your old number and told them you are no longer reachable at my number. Do not contact or text message me again." Y'all know everytime my cell rings I jump, hoping it's him. Sick. And so sad. I am heartbroken again. I hate him but still want his attention and love. Confusing. I just want to cry and cry for all this pain. And I sit here feeling completly responsible for all of it. I could have had my in-laws in my life. I just had to apologize for my EX AH being an alcoholic and for them feeling mad at me and not calling my children. I could have still had my EX in my life and my kid's lives if only I had overlooked my feelings, my thoughts, my trust, myself like I had done every other time. Is this worth it? I was praying to HP to send me a distraction. I was thinking along the lines of another man. HP distracts me with my 12 year old and all of her puberty attitude! I start thinking that it is all my fault and I can change it if I really want to and try hard enough. Like he has done nothing wrong and I tok the kids away from him for no good reason. Or at least all the wrong reasons. Someone at my meeting friday said they did somethings the wrong way for all the right reasons. I completly relate to that. He is a drug addict. He has sent me NO child support in over a month. The only attempt he has made as far as the kids go is to try to go thru me. He has not gotten a lawyer, written a letter, sent them an email explaing whatever he thinks. No, he is just continuing to try to manipulate me as that is the easiest most familiar thing for him to do. I am refusing to enable him as a father. He is on his own. And so am I. This stinks.
Do you have a sponsor? if you are ready to feel better, working the steps would be an excellent start. If you have a sponsor, have you done a 4th step? if you haven't this may be a clue to go and do it. You may also want to sit down and actually write out an expectations inventory. Going through per person, write down each and every expectation you have of them. Then, hopefully with a sponsor, look at how reasonable they are. Also include yourself on this list. There was a quote in an old Forum that said "The person with the highest expectations is the least satisfied when they are met and the most unsatisfied with himself."
I think holidays are hard for lots of us - expectations.
You might be just biting off more than you can chew - wanting to be better than is possible at this point, while it is all so raw. Is there any self-care you can do right now, something to make you feel even a little better? If it's a nice evening, go for a walk with an ice dream at the end of it, that sort of thing.
For me, the best way to deal with obsessive, unhealthy thoughts when they try to take over my head, is to get busy. Dig that garden scrub those kitchen cupboards, lift those weights. Put the music up real loud and get into the moment, hard. It does pass.
You have the right to feel your feelings, to express your needs, to be the person you are. Denying that in order to have something you want does not bring happiness, it just brings another kind of unhappiness. When you are ready, people will come into your life who WANT you to be healthy and happy, and help you get there, instead of working against it.
(((serendipity))) I am so sorry you are in pain. I can completely relate to your post. It is so confusing to love someone who has caused us so much misery. I agree with each of the replies to your post so far. I thought I would add, that someone from the board recommended to me, to make a list of things I love to do. Things that make me happy. So that when I am feeling down in the dumps, I can go to that list and try to do at least one of the things on it. It has helped me, although, I will admit, at times I have had to force myself to do one of them. The easiest one for me, is to put on music (something upbeat) and to sing my lungs out. My daughter gets a kick out of it too and when I catch her doing the same thing, it can't help but put a smile on my face. We also love to watch movies, so putting one and popping some popcorn, can get my mind of things.
I hope that this too shall pass and although your situation may not change quickly, your focus can be on you and what you can do to make yourself happy. I know, trust me, I know, it isn't easy! Take care of yourself, you are worth it!
I can definitely relate to the love addicition issues. I have been in the love addiction program for something like 3 years now. When I added al anon to it things changed.
I would not be so hard on yourself if I were you. You are not in control of any of it. I know for me that I reached the end of the tether with the A. In theory I can go live with him somewhere else but I've had enough. There is a point where we get to that. Sometimes for me that comes quickly sometimes in this case 7 years.
Please take care of yourself come here often. Easter is a huge trigger for me too. Last Easter the A spent with his mother now she won't give him the time of day. Every single holiday there ever was and then some he had to spend with her. When his back is against the wall she is gone but he was happy to insist every holiday revolved around her and leave me hanging.
I had no idea she would drop him so mercilessly when he was down but apparently that is her trait.
I am glad you have a distraction. One of my prime fantasies is to run off and get married. I do nothing to act on it. I sit with it. I know the need. I also know I have no idea how to conduct a reasonable relationship right now.
I also know I am very very lonely and feel abandoned too but I've felt abandoned for 7 years so it is nothing new.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. If there is a way to allow those children to see their daddy then you should let him. Even if you have family members you trust you should let him see them even if it's only an hour. It's for them, not you. No matter how much we dislike our addicts they still gave us children. They are half his. All I can offer you is my prayers for you and your family. Things can change for the better, you have to believe. Focus on your children and let your addict carry on alone. You will do better in the long run. Once you start taking care of yourself you'll find your children watching and learning from you. You are all they need. I am everything to my three little one's. I am mother, father, teacher, Aunt, Uncle, Friend, plumber, electrician......ect. I can do it all. So can you. I learn as I go too. Good luck sweetie. We are here for you. One day at a time and make each day for your children.
