The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been with the A at this address for 7 years. One of my principal hobbies has been the garden. I've hauled in soil, fertlizer, planed bushes, got pots, the place looked great. When the whole issue of moving came up I told the A over and over again that I wanted to make sure that all the plants went to people I liked.
Last week I gave some to one of the neighbors. The A with his new friends promptly came up and over rode me. They said oh we can sell those. Some of those plants were the ones his mother gave him. So I let it go. When we went up north to look at places I would always talk about whether I could bring my plants there. I have one piece that is pride of place in my collection. Its a tall cactus that is as big as the house. I spoke at length of moving it. I spoke about how I was going to put it in a huge pot and tie it down and take it.
Now I've found out he's promised it to one of the neighbors. A neighbor needless to say who I don't like much. The plant is mine I've nutured it, cared for it for 7 years. This is another betrayal. He can't even let me move on my terms! He always has to be off giving our life away to his drug buddies.
So yesterday I began the task of dismantling my garden. I gave some plants to the neighbor last week. I gave others to another neighbor yesterday. I'll give them my garden tools tomorrow. I am moving to one room. I need to be realistic. As it is I will have a tiny storage space but not much more. I may never have a garden again who knows. If I do I'll have to start over. I learned a lot from the gardening experience. I learned the A will use anything, do anything for his drug habit and totally annihilate me in the process. He'll take my money, my health, my self esteem and even my plants because that's all that matters to him, his drugs, that's it.
Before you project into the future, look at and enjoy your garden now. I know for many of our local gardeners the cold snap has destroyed their gardens; farmers are worried for their crops. Also, keep in mind that with a little creativity you can still garden. Granted, your whole garden may be "potted" varieties, but it works. I didn't think I had the money for art, remember, until I went to the Rembrant exibit in December. This is when I stumbled on Paint by Number, magnetic art, posters and some of the art posters that were for sale. This was also when I was clued in by the Art Museam mgr that most art stores--including the Guggenheim, the MOMA and others--are willing to have sales every so often of their most popular pieces and make posters of them. I bought $20 worth of Picasso's, Cezanne's, and hung them all around my apt--curtosey of the MOMA. Lastly, you may want to make a long term goal of your loss. I know for me getting back into art has made me passionate about finding a place that has better lighting, more natural light, and more space period (I keep thinking of one of my friends as a little girl, her family had a glass encased sun patio where her father did his writing and her mother meditated). One of my long term goals is to get a space where I can paint, enjoy art, broadcast my opera all over the house, and, yes, have plants to spare. Turn your loss into a gain by trying to find small steps that can lead into an over all goal.
Is it possible to say to those people "It wasn't his to give, sorry."? There is nothing wrong with being assertive - stating your feelings and taking what is yours.
Well he has promised the cactus it has not gone yet. It is all part of his procrastination. It could be he'll be left and then whoever wants it will just take it. Who knows. I have to detach. It is another slight to me. I recognize the pattern of repeating my childhood. I know what I have to do let go.
I will have another garden again someday. Who knows when. I learned a lot from this garden. I'll never have anything with the A, in the country where ever he will always be the same.
Dear Maresie, Your Ex sounds so much like mine. He destroyed, and tried to destroy anything and everything that meant anything to me. He wanted to hurt me in every way he possibly could because I had the nerve to leave. Soon, all this will be over. If you couldn't see them before, you can certainly see his true colors now, and that alone will prevent you from getting into the same type situation again! I know it sure did for me!! Ex told everyone that all he had to do was snap his fingers and I'd be back. When he found that that would never happen, he got really nasty! Praying for you, with love, TLC
