The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As a newbie in Alanon and on this board I was wondering how you all went about re-building your self esteem.
I always thought I was a pretty strong independent woman but since my AH's affair and quick decent into alcoholic hell, I have discovered just how co-dependent I really am.
My self-esteem is shattered.
I realize I have a lot of "me" work to do. I am soooo used to my AH's affections, compliments, 'I love you's' that now that he is focused on his program and has nothing left for me...I am devestated.
A friend on another forum said to me "you need to learn to love yourself so that when he says the words, it is the icing not the cake." I LOVED this.
So what have you all done to help you in this process?
I shower everyday, shave my legs, put on make-up etc. I have treated myself regularly to pedicures and facials. I am journaling and using affirmations. I am considering taking a class of some sort like tap dancing or belly dancing. Physical excersise wil combat the depression and will help me feel better.
I am impatient. I want to feel better NOW. I want to stop crying and stop comparing myself to other women. This situation has me doubting everything and fearful of everything.
I do not want to let this disease effect me like this any more. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
You are not alone! There is alot of experience, strength, and hope in Alanon. That said, I had the same thoughts today. My AHsober walked out 2 years ago. Said he didn't love me, maybe never did. Going to golf (would leaving me for another woman be easier than saying I am leaving you to play golf lol). I was and am still devastated. But I know really that this is not about me. It is about his struggle as an alcoholic and his self esteem. It is not easy but it is a gift to give him his disease to cope with. And for us, who are we? I so miss his touch, his love, his warm words but they seem gone forever. So what do I do? I cry and cry. Then I go do something productive. And sometimes I cry when I do something productive. I have a lot to be thankful but I still ask myself why? Am I not pretty enough, too weak, too strong, did I say the wrong thing at the wrong time? Probably not. I believe them when they say keep the focus on yourself. And I believe that my HP does love me and will always be there for me and has a plan for me. Hope this helps.
A huge reaction to my H's alcoholism was to become more independant (earn money). I took a class. The other students came from different backgrounds but we were all in the same boat. The other students thought I was smart and funny. They missed me when I wasn't there and would even hold the elevator untill I got in or save a spot at the lunch table for me. They wont know how much that meant to me. I had become invisible to people outside my family. I was so used to arguing with my AH that I felt I was unlikable- always hurried, never appreciated bla bla bla. The best thing I can say is to be involved in something (with other people) the preferably has a start and finish to it, although that's not necessary. And I have done bellydancing forever and it will make you feel good, if not the first class than definately the second.
Try to keep moving! Jamie
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 00:10, 2007-04-08
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
For me, I found that being involved in activities and organizations were very helpful. I started hobbies, and in some cases re-opening the door to things I had liked to do in the past. I love crocheting and reading, both got my mind off things I didn't want to think about and both gave me a feeling of accomplishment when I was done. I started working on things around the house, many of which were put off for too long due to the fact I just didn't have the mental or physical will to do them. I had invested too much of myself in my A and was totally exhausted. I never thought that redecorating a room in my home could do so much for my self esteem but it did! It gave me a feeling of accomplishment and pride. I have 3 young children (7 yr old and 6 yr old twins) so I started going to little reading workshops the school was holding for the parents and their children. This got me out of the house, around other people and again kept me busy, lol. I also joined the PTA. This has helped tremendously. I am the secretary so I have responsibilities, have met some really wonderful people and made a few new close friends. It feels good to be needed in a healthy way, and as Jamie said...I am missed when I am not there. I also reconnected with old friends....ones I couldn't find time for when I was all wrapped up in my A. Between my old friends and my new ones I know there are people who want to be around me, for me and nothing more. So I guess just keeping the focus on myself and finding productive, self fullfilling things to do is what helped me regain and even strenghten my self esteem. It's not an overnight thing, but it is well worth the effort. I also reminded myself that I didn't "lose myself" overnight, therefore I was not going to "find myself" overnight. Be patient and enjoy discovering old things and new things.....you are worth it!
The shattering of our self-esteem is just another thing that alcoholism does. It is OK to cry, I do it a lot! I always thought I had good self-esteem before.....but the last few years have been hard. My AH is the love of my heart, feel almost a physical connection, and when he goes off on his own, it is as if someone cut off one of my arms.... The only way I have found to deal with this is alanon, alanon, and more alanon. Do anything you can to take care of yourself. Do not isolate yourself. I know how you feel, wanting it NOW, but things happen in HP's time, not ours. Is hard to understand sometimes, for me anyway. Try to remember Progress not Perfection. One step forward and two steps back....then I take two steps forward, and only one step back....the dance of my life. Glad you are here. Keep coming back. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I think a good way to rebuild self esteem is to get in here and express yourself. How do you feel about his alcoholism. I've been here a year and a half now and I still have to go express myself a lot. Yesterday I poured out my heart to a friend. He heard me. I felt better. I felt more focused and together. The A I lived with is averse to me having anyone. He wants me isolated, he wants me alone. He doesn't want me to have any friends at all. He hates me being on the computer.
For me letting out my anger, grief, sadness, frustration, mixed feelings, ambivalence about the A and other issues (there are other issues) helps trememendously. The A hears nothing. He's off in denial. He never could hear anything. He may never hear it. I nevertheless need to get it out there.
Today after a few hours of sounding off I feel much much better. I feel less trapped, I feel more cohesive I feel clearer about what I need to do.
For me a relationship with an A is like dealing with jekyll and hyde there are moments he can be marvellous and kind and sweet and generous but there ar more moments when he is totally withdrawn from me or totally bound up in whatever new friend he has. He always merges. He never can have boundaries.
So I would encourage you to express all your stuff, your joy, your pain, your ambivalence here.
My take on the second step, "restored to sanity" is that I was never sane in the first place. I think the same is true of my self-esteem, self-worth, whatever -- I think the term is a bit ambiguous. But it's opposite, self-loathing, is crystal clear in my brain.
I had to admit to self loathing, outwardly. This was after some years of sobriety, some years after being divorced, and several years of therapy. Affirmations did not work for me, in fact they only increased the loathing because while I said affirmations to myself, another part of my brain was screaming "liar!! liar!!" and I _hate_ liars.
I wish I could map out a path out of self-loathing. The most important part of it to me was to stop doing things I hated, and stop saying things I hated, including trite affirmations. I had to clear the board and level the field. I just had to let go of all my notions about such things, both internal and external, and start from scratch. I did another inventory. I previously had approached the inventory from the good vs. bad perspective on the ledger, usually coming up with plenty on the bad side and very little on the good. I found it much easier to be honest with myself if I removed the judgement and did my character inventory as strengths and weaknesses. What am I good at? What qualities make me useful to others? What am I not so good at? What things, when I touch them, I usually make worse rather than better (no, the answer isn't "EVERYTHING!!" even though I wanted to put it down).
This is not an easy road. It's intangible. There is no magic bullet or overnight solution. I've had momentary feelings of being truly loved for who I am, and total acceptance... but those were fleeting and often circumstantial. I can't live my life swinging from one emotional high to another like Tarzan of the Codependent Jungle, knowing that if I miss or one of those vines gives way, I'll tumble hundreds of feet to the floor and be mauled by tigers and gorillas.
I had to get used to walking on the ground, like the other humans, looking the gorillas in the eye, first accepting it, and then preferring it, and saying NO to an opportunity for a swing in the trees.
When my wife left me, she took all my self worth out the door with her. Not on purpose; I had become a single-source consumer of good feelings. Now that I am in a new relationship, I am trying to keep my life in balance and not toss all my eggs into one basket - even if the basket is big and comfy and soft and inviting. I know now that if this person had come along for me 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago, I would have gone hook line and sinker.
Getting back self esteem? I'm still enjoying my first few years of it... ever. I don't know about the rest of you, but to me, I value something all the more if I have really, really worked hard for it. I have worked VERY hard for this, and I'm hanging on to it. There is no person, no thing, no job, no activity, that is worth throwing it away. And the truth is, my self worth is compatible with all these things, which makes it all the more important.
I can only tell you... it IS in the steps. But maybe not the first time, or the 10th time.
