The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It helps nothing to 'lose it'. It only gives the A more to resist, and somehow, more of their own ammunition. Losing it makes me physically ill, drains my emotional reservoir so I do not meet my own needs.
So what is it that I need the most? I need serenity like I need air, I need peace and comfort. These needs don't change with the circumstances of my life. They may be put aside momentarily (there's not much immediate comfort in shoveling out the goat barn ), or like gratification, delayed until an appropriate time. But they still must be met.
Can a person meet these needs in a marraige or partnership with a practising A? I can only think of Elie Wiesel and his revelation while in the Nazi death camps. Apparently, yes they can. There is that within us that is untouched by the vagaries of life, be they the chaos of alcoholism and drug addiction or starvation, brutality and death.
As I wrote this, my tears dried up and I'm not shaking or wishing I could just puke or something. I'm not getting what I want, i.e. rid of this man, rid of his chaos. I have chosen NOT to leave this farm, but to hold on to it because I love it, love my animals and birds, love the land I'm on, and the activities a farm creates to structure my day. I've left two other relationships because of alcoholism and addiction, but now I am choosing not to leave but to weather the storm and pray, and pray, and pray that I am given the strength to take care of myself and my farm no matter the senseless destruction of my As disease.
I don't have to get what I want to make sure I get what I need.
I'm so sorry you "lost it" I lost it the other night too, I so told my AH that if I saw him drinking I would pour his beer out and if I saw beer in his cooler I'd pour it out too and that I hoped he lost sleep over it and I wish he's cry his self to sleep about it ...hmm...didn't make things any better now he hides his beer and continues doing what he wants to do, he's off with a friend right now arrowhead hunting and I'm almost positive he'll come home drunk almost no doubt it my mind I don't even tease myself with the thought of him coming home sober anymore, I threatened leaving, but like you have decided to stay but I'm all so curious in finding the right way to help my AH get sober, because I want my husband back and I won't settle for anything less. Hugs and kisses.
kim one thing that helped me was having my own room. I don't know if you can set that up. But having my own space, where I could shut and lock the door was a godsend.
Had my computer where I had privacy becuz my AH was so intimidated by it. Hateful about it.
When the disease was on a roll I would go out to the barn, or go to my room and live my life. I felt it did not deserve any of my attention. I even stopped cooking for it. Quit washing its cloths, didn't clean its bathroom. Which was a drag as it was the main one.
Kim my A was a very handsome man, always clean cut. He was so bad I would ask him to take a shower. I could not stand the smell of him anymore. Not the alcohol, just from not bathing. so gross.
I had to have my own space. do you have a place you can make a room of your own in the barn?
I read a book by the author you mentioned. My daughter called me all upset, she was reading about global warming and was really frantic.
So I told her how I felt. I told her I remember being a momma and worrying about Armagedon coming and here I was with 4 babies.
But now, I know I cannot control it. I take one day at a time, do my best. I explained to her that no matter what i will be ok. I have to put her and my son and my loved ones in my hp's hands. I will not be concerned about things that have not happened.
today I have food feed, house payment, and I am healthy.
She said but this and this will happen. I said Raini we don't know what will happen. Maybe the creator will change something we don't know.
LIke hte weather people. OMG they are always wrong around here. How do they know that the wind may change or slow down?
She is saying so many animals are going extinct and more will be. Again I said Raini the creator made them, he can make them again if he wants.
the world is a mess, but he created it, he can bring it all back to perfection.
serenity to me is when I accept the situation, take things as they come. Make the best of things. Not look past the moment. take care of what i can that day.
Not sure if this helps at all. love,debilyn who, when sad or whatever, goes and takes a nap with her pigs....
Wonderful post. Good for you. I wish I could have done that. But I know in my heart I could not live with an active A. We all have to do what is best for ourselves. I love the fact that you live on a farm, and find great joy in that. I was walking in the woods the other day, and it's been a long time since I gave that time just for me. I felt all the cares and worries and stress just wash away. Talk about serenity.
Love and blessings to you and your family and all the animals. Happy Easter.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 21:03, 2007-04-07
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Deb, I moved into the upstairs 'loft' quite a while ago, and YES, it is completely my space. This is an 1100 sq/ft house, including the loft, so it was vital I create my own space!
I tried the cooking and cleaning up after it, but this last binge was a tipping point. I won't do it anymore. Unfortunately, it has the whole downstairs, including bathroom and kitchen. Since I abandoned the mutual bedroom in December it has become a quagmire of HIS stuff, and I just keep the door shut.
I think of what other people go through, or have gone through, and my situation is objectively mediocre. Maybe it's dramatic or weird of me to compare my situation with a death camp, but I still have choices, unlike the inmates did, and I still have my own life outside the misery of the relationship. I have my own mind outside the chaos. I'll continue to feel my way through this, finding the best ways to 'go around' the A and his dramas. This is what I was doing before I 'lost it' today, and it was working.
I am clear that I no longer want to be with the A. I admit I am steeled within myself for him to die. I can barely conjure any feeling other than relief when he hasn't come home for five days or so. Maybe he's dead, I think, and I feel RELIEF. If he's gone, I will have no distractions from my own life and those creatures dependent on me. When he's out on binges he does methamphetamine IV , he has high blood pressure anyway, and has totalled one truck this summer and put his second truck in a ditch TWICE.
We are not legally married, but considered ourselves 'common law', which makes this more difficult than not . . . his name is on the house, but the money that bought it was mine. Figures, huh. In this I have to remind myself this is all just "stuff", and my essential being in the world is not subject to losing everything material. And then I think of what others have gone through, are going through, and I'm not so bad off. Helps me to stay grateful, and focussed on today.
Karilynn, I don't feel like I can live with my A either. It takes 'something' I don't know if I have. I've always been the one who left, but I would not abandon these creatures, they have a life here, good lives, even the ones who get eaten. They are definitely part of my strength and endurance. If it weren't for my attatchment to this farm I would have been gone a long time ago, there is no shame in leaving him for me. There is terrible shame contemplating leaving the farm, and that's where I reach my own boundary.
I envy but mostly admire those of you who leave, or have A's that have enough natural shame to leave before they sink the ship. I need to write this and say it out loud for myself. I really don't know if I can do it, and if I am able, it is by the grace of God, not my own strength. As awful as it sounds, I feel like I'm just buckling under until this nightmare ends, with him dead or gone. I don't find in myself much caring if he gets into recovery or not. It's just been too, too much.
I know I'm still jacked up after letting him have it today, but mostly this is how I feel regardless of his behavior. Makes 'letting him have it' so worthless, a waste of time and energy. I'm going to remember this little lesson. It wasn't worth the crazy sort of relief of letting off steam.
So I will go walk in my own woods and take a deep breath of the early spring air, and go watch my goosies paddle around their pond. It's hard to feel jacked up watching them sail around about their goose-business!
I can so much relate to your posts. I have held on with the A for such a long long time over the animals. I've stood on my head practically over trying to find ways to keep them. I have not as yet. But I have decided for now I have to separate myself from them. In time there are options for me. With the A there are no options but more craziness and fear and total oblivion. I know the A has been on this long long decline for years now. Since he got sick (with a physical illness) he has been on a tantrum. His whole life is a tantrum.
I used to have my own tantrums. I used to scream and shout at the A. Now I don't. I can't say its been easy to get there. I don't allow him that power to move me anymore.
I admire your tenancity. I also admire your devotion. Some of my friends cannot understand my devotion to the animals, you do. I am grateful for that.
The A I live with is moving to the country. I will be in touch with him there, even visit him there not because I care about him but the animals. Right now it is still up in the air whether he takes the cats. Rigth now one of my strategies is to go there with him to settle in to see where he is and what is going on. I cannot abandon my cats and dogs. I know there are people in my life who urge me to do it but I can't. In time, over time I will be in a space where I can get the truck (it will take a court order to do it legally) and my animals.
I know it will be a long hard road for you to get what's yours. I do know watching these people who live in the car in our driveway that alcoholism and drug addiction has one sure conclusion. Some people are closer to it than others. They are not unkind people, they are not people who are not hard working or loving or any of those things they are just drug addicts and the drug addiciton controls their lives. Right now the a's drug addiction whether he is using or not controls his. I will not allow it to control mine anymore. The sacrifices for me have been enormous, leaving my pets is huge for me. Leaving my belongings is another. I am tired of leaving with nothing. I am tired of leaving...and I am tired of the same and I know it will always be the same with the A till he dies and right now he is not going to reach 50 (he is 47/48). The waiting is horrendous and I feel for you.
), or like gratification, delayed until an appropriate time. But they still must be met.
