The material presented
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I read here all the time but havent posted much. Ifind all of the posts very helpful.
I have been on this rollercoaster with my AH for about 9 months now. He has been living out of the house since August. We have 3 kids. S16, S12, D4
When my h is drinking I am not as anxious as when he is sober. When he is drinking, I know how to set my boundries, detach, and while I am scared for his health and his well-being, I am able to carry on with out any expectations from him. When he is drinking, he misses me, loves me, e-mails me with regrets and compassion all the time. It is comforting to me.
When he is sober (like now-about 3 weeks) I am always on edge. He gets into his program and is so focused on staying sober that there is nothing left for me. He is distant and cold. I dont hear from him very much. He is moody and irritable. I know he has sooo much he is dealing with and he has so much guilt with what he has done to us. During this last period of drinking, he had 2 fender benders, a DUI and fired from his job.
so...I know he is focused on his new job, getting the DUI takien care of, and getting the car fixed. plus...going to meetings, dealing with the mess he has made of his life etc. I have compassion for him but....WHAT ABOUT ME??? LOL! So selfish!
I am going to meetings and I have a sponsor. I am doing the reading and journaling. I am using the tools but still find myself in tears all the time. I am still so wrapped up in how he feels about me that it totally dictates how I feel about myself.
When this all started 9 months ago (he was sober w/out program for 7 years before this) He was suffering from some depression and hormonal changes and that triggered the drinking again. Then I discovered he had had an affair. I can not tell you how devestating this was for me. This is what prompted me to ask him to leave the house.
Once he was out...the drinking escalated very quickly and he knew he was in trouble. This began the 9 months of in and out of rehab...AA new sponsors, anti-abuse etc.
So now he is sober (again) and I can only think about his affair. I am still so hurt and so angry. I think it is because we have not been able to deal with it at all. He cant deal with me and our M right now. He isnt able to. So I have to sit with this broken heart and my head wont let it go. I see him with her. And... when I dont hear from him during the day or he is being distant from me...I dont suspect he is drinking, I suspect he is with her!
Am I crazy? He can barely get through the hour without a drink and I want him to reassure me 20 times a day. I want him to tell me how much he loves and misses me when he barely thinks about me right now. (I have not expressed any of this to him. Just venting it here)
This hurts so bad.
If any of you actually read this whole thing. Thanks. I guess I needed to vent.
I know the advice is to use the tools, go to meetings etc. I am doing that. I dont know what to do about this affair thing though.
My fear is that we go through all of this, he gets sober and is able to stay in program and I discover that I can not forgive him. He has hurt me and the kids so badly through all of this. So much needs to be repaired. I am so scared. I am shattered. I love him so much. I just want my h back.
Hi.... first of all, thanks for the share, and NO, you aren't crazy at all.
I went through exactly the same feelings, as in many ways, my life was more "manageable" when my wife was drinking, versus the many times she was in recovery.
What it taught me, was that it was quite obvious how sick she had become, through her alcoholism, but it really drove home how sick I had become - how my perceptions of "healthy" had changed, my sense of "normal" was skewed, etc.... I think that helped jump-start me to MY recovery.
Choose recovery for you..... Read, learn, attend meetings, grow...... It's all very worthwhile.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
i understand so well the betrayal. i think i delt with my ex ah's drinking and drugging way better than i delt with the affairs. finding out about that devastated me to my very core. there is no time frame for forgivness. just because he is making yet another stab at sobriety does not mean you have to loose your feelings. i have learned in this program not to trust untrustworthy people, even the ones i love. but that i can still love them. feel your feelings. they are yours and they are real.
An alcoholic at 3 weeks sober has his hands full just taking care of himself, he really has nothing to give another person no matter how much he wants to or says so. Previous periods of sobriety don't really count... right now, 3 weeks is all he has.
That's why WE have our own program! So we are not left out in the cold, whether the A is drinking or not. As you observed... recovery - especially early recovery - may be harder on the family than the drinking.
(((Angel))) You sound like me...all I keep saying is I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK...and mine is still living at home, for now at least. He says he wants a divorce. But, who knows with them? I always feel like mine is having an affair with beer. It is his lover now, not me. But, still I stay. We have no children together. Do not know why I stay except I love him. Well I love the man he used to be before the alcohol took him away from me. Your feelings are normal, I think. We are not superwoman. We have feelings, too. Just keep working your program, and I will too. I keep telling myself "Rome wasn't built in a day..." you know that old saying. I want it and I WANT IT NOW! It is amazing how much alcohol can hurt us. The pain is awful. Glad you are here. I understand. Yes, girl, you are in the right place. Keep posting! Love in Recovery, Becky1
Thanks all. It really helps to know I am not alone.
Yes, Becky I want it NOW! He was supposed to have the kids tonight. He called that he will take them to dinner and a movie but he has an AA meeting at 6:00am so he is going to bring them home tonight.
I KNOW that he is doing the right thing. I am glad he is going to meetings. I really dont think he is still seeing the other person any more. He has been drunk for 3 months...the bottle is the other person now. But the damage has been done. I keep thinking is she prettier then me, skinnier then me?
I have sacrificed and been loyal and loving for 16 years and I can be thrown away and treated like crap so easily?
I guess I have a lot of self-pity right now. I dont like it but cant seem to shake it. I will try to get to a meeting tonight.
The hard part is that I have always been able to lean on my h, vent to him, express myself. We would hash it all out and I would feel better. Well, he is not available to me right now. He cant make me feel better. He cant reassure me or comfort me and it is such a lonely feeling.
I am supposed to decorate Easter eggs with the kids right now and I am dreading it. How sad. Things that usually brought me pleasure are now chores. I will still do it, and smile and act 'normal' inside I am dieing.
There are a couple of things in the "Detachment" reading that leapt out to me when I read your post:
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people;
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of anothers recovery;
No, you can't, at the stage he is at in his recovery, expect too much from him. However, you really do not need to choke down all of your feelings, deny your pain, just to avoid upsetting him, either. When I went through something very similar to this, I got some counselling, and it helped. One of the counsellors I saw was a drug and alcohol counsellor, a man of about my husband's age and type, a recovering addict himself of long standing. At one point I was telling him "When I saw that it was happening again, I felt as if he had punched me in the stomach." His reaction? "Tell your husband that. He needs to know the pain he causes. He needs to know that he is not the only one in pain here." I feel very strongly that my husband's infidelity was a reaction to his early sobriety - he was desperately groping for a way to help himself feel better. This belief is the only reason I have been able to move on from it, and come to terms with it. However, it does not exonerate him. It does not make it OK. He bitterly wounded me, and it really helped me to let him know that.
The A always makes such a drama of his pain, everything is always all about him. It was, and is, good for me to make a point of knowing, and saying, that my feelings, my recovery are as important as his. I may not make such a big deal about it. I may not be ruining everybody else's life as I thrash around, the way an A does. That does not mean that my issues, my feelings, are not as real and vital.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with making it very clear to your husband that, although you understand that right now is not the time to deal with your wounded marriage, this is not just going to go away. Forgiveness is not a given, he WILL at some point have to face up to what he has done to you, and make amends. It is not your job to carry the whole emotional load of your marriage, and it doesn't hurt him in the least to know that.
I wanted to share a few things that might bring some serenity back to you.
-When I get all wound up in expectations... extra-especially about my wife, I have already lost my mind. If I expect "ABC", the usual return is "Psi, Zeta, Omega".... and I get disappointed, sad, irritable and discontent. The reality is just not the same.. she can't see things my way, nor can I anticipate how she will, in fact, ever react or respond to a situation. I'm back to step 1. Indeed, I am powerless over _______ (alcohol, people, weather, most moles and dandelions), and my life has, again, become unmanagable. So I have to Let Go and turn it over to Higher Power, and find a way to move on to a place in my head where I can be happy and serene, regardless of anyone else.
-Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease. When your husband is cold and irritable while working his program, perhaps it would be in your best interests to not expect any sort of other feelings to be returned to you. It CERTAINLY is not fair and equitable in a marriage, but if you are choosing to stand by him - then do it. If not, then don't. You only can listen to your feelings... and fears... and try to work through them. I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT fathom what kind of bad bad place my wife is in her head when she is sober. That is when reality sets in, and having to deal with life (without medication... beer) is hardest. My wife couldn't do it... it is too much (at least for now). I am divorcing her because of it, and she knows it, yet she still can't deal with all the crap in her head without running to escape to alcohol. It is very hard to step back and not try to help/fix/judge/condemn/etc., but that is where this PROGRAM is designed to help us work on US.
-One of my miracles was realizing that I didn't have to be anxious, irritable and discontent when someone I loved was. I came to see that my control parameters began and ended with me. It took a lot of pain for me to realize I couldn't control my wife; yet it was such a blessing when I allowed myself to be happy and calm (and not feeling like I was constantly run over by mack trucks), regardless of her disposition.
The steps are designed brilliantly to bring me out of a slump. I cannot tell you how to work your program, but I would bet that you could find where (in the steps) you need to plop all those bad feelings down on. Absolute surrender. Absolute acceptance.
Please, take what you like and leave the rest. with much love and a prayer cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I'm so glad I've found this forum, I was laying in the bed not feeling too well due to coming down with some kind of cold not really thinking about where my husband was and what he was doing tonight, well he came in the room about an hour ago and couldn't even walk he was so drunk and it just breaks my heart like you "I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK" this is not the marriage I signed up for 10 yrs ago....I almost left 2 weeks ago, only after telling my AH that if I see another beer I will pour it out I will pour out every beer in his cooler I'm tired of it if you can't work on quitting I want you out of my house....needless to say it's got to this point many times lately I want him out then the next day my sober husband is back telling me how much he loves me and doesn't want me to leave with his kids blah blah blah and how he'll try to do better well I still see no progress why can't he realize he needs professional help or he needs to work the 12 steps again like he did years ago when he was forced due to a DUI....I'm so frustrated with it and tired of dealing with it, and I know that if and when he does get sober it will be rough then too, it's almost like why am I even trying to make this marriage work, no affairs that I know of...I feel like if there was I could definitely leave my husband does nothing else that bothers me except drinking no physical abuse, mostly just emotional let downs over and over, this marriage is a roller coaster ride that I'm desperately ready to get off of.
