The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my ex sent me a text today. he's never done that before. he hasn't even called since sunday which i was grateful for. the thing is i was looking at houses to buy. looked at like 6. fell in love with 2 that are out of my price range. that's me champagne taste and boone's farm buget! and so before i could even savor the fun of dreaming of new spaces i get this text from him about wanting to see the kids for easter, let him know when is good for me and he misses them so much. i tried to text back "get a lawyer" but it wouldn't go thru. HP looking out for me. I was so mad getting his text, and then guilty and just had that feeling of pain and saddness,y'all know what i mean. so, i've since calmed down and realized that i do not want to have any contact with him. that is my boundry. i will speak with a lawyer if he ever gets one. but he has sent no child support (not that i expected he would) he has no bother to call (regardless of wether he speaks to the kids, it would look good for him to at least try). the mail works, he might have tried to send them a letter or something, or email them or me. but without me there to suggest these things, "suggest" how to be a parent, he can't. man, that sounds harsh but it's how i feel right now. i have no compassion at all left for him. i am using my anger to stick to my boundry. i do believe at some point i will be able to detatch with love. but right now detatching with a hatchett is the best i can do. that feeling is still there and i am having trouble identifying it. you know that feeling in the pit of your stomach? fear, anger, guilt, shame. i know it will pass, just a little mad that i'm letting it interfere with my life.
Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do for your own peace of mind. They can sure figure out how to get whatever else it is that they want but when it comes to the kids they have no immagination huh? I know what you mean and if a hatchet is what it takes then that's what it takes. We can't always do the right things for the right reasons but sometimes one of those wrong things or motivations works out anyway. You're doing great, keep it up!
No matter how angry you are sweetheart you need to allow him to see his children. I totally understand you not wanting your Easter ruined but I would still let him see them. Could you let him visit them at a park for like an hour? I have three little children so I totally understand but your in the wrong by withholding his children against him even if he is NOT paying child support. Be the bigger person. You can still have boundaries like not talking to him during the visit. Your just hurting your children in the long run. I hope you reconsider his visit with them. Good luck.
Hate that you are having a difficult time with your ex.
It can be challenging to know what is best for you and the children. I can only suggest that you seek the guidance of your HP's will for what would be the healthiest thing for ya'll. I'm sure the kids would love to see him, but is it safe? Is it in their best interest? Is it maintaining those boundaries that you have set for everyone's welfare?
It is ok to take care of you and not be manipulated by your ex's behaviors. It's ok to feel sad about the disease taking that loved one from your plans for your future and from your children's life right now.
I hope that you are able to do something that really helps you be good to you & also good things for both you & the children this weekend.
Peace to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Great honest post and mahalo for it. That feeling deep in the pit of my stomach was mostly rage and much of it self directed. I couldn't seem to stay out of chaos, crises and conflict (3 Cs). I didn't know how until I got here and today I know better and not always.
So much depends here on your motiviation, doesn't it? If this is about revenge and making him suffer, not good. If it is about caring for yourself and your children, good. The only person who really knows which it is, and how much of either, is you, if you are honest with yourself.
Maybe you do need to message back something like "I'll be happy to talk to your lawyer' so he knows you are not unopen to negotiations, just to hurting yourself by having contact with him. He may not understand the difference, but you do.
