The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all remember me.... Barisax... sober AA, fully qualified member of Alanon, long term single with a good start on a relationship for the first time in <mumble> years. She is not an alcoholic! She has been to a couple of open AA meetings with me, which she enjoyed, but I think I convinced her, she should have her own meeting.
I took her to my regular f2f Alanon meeting, but I let her go by herself and went to an AA meeting happening concurrently... I like getting together with my new girlfriend for meetings, but I think I convinced her we each need our own meetings, and can go to the same meeting occasionally but not make a habit of it.
It may mean I'll need to find a new Alanon home group, if she wants to keep going to that one, but I can work with that. She has other alcoholics in her life besides me. I believe in honesty, open-ness in a relationship but that doesn't mean venting in front of each other in meetings... LOL. I've seen that plan fail spectaculary too many times. Anyway, I am hoping she will find something for herself in Alanon, and not just do it because I'm doing it. Even better, if she finds a group on her own.
Someone mentioned in another thread about feeling they don't need Alanon when things are going good... I can relate a lot to that. Yet, I don't want to get out of touch either. I haven't posted here in a couple weeks, because I haven't really had anything to say. Even though I'm an alcoholic first, I think my Alanon program has done more for me to prepare for a relationship with another human being these past few years. The principles of the program apply to intimate relationships. Especially intimate relationships.
My girlfriend is a very giving person; she knows that and acknowledges it and is satisfied with herself that way. But I think she is also aware that because of this, others in her life often take priority over her needs. I am hoping that through Alanon, she will realize that the key to this is in her hands - not in changing her family members. At the base level, she is a giver and I am a taker. Years of being alone have broken me of most of the habits of being a taker... now with someone in my life who is a full time giver, I am very concerned that I will take advantage - without being able to stop myself, or be afraid to say no for fear of hurting her feelings. I know it's not up to ME, to look out for her needs. But I do want her to take care of herself first. Neither of us are kids... we have a lot of life experience between us, not all of it bad. In fact, much of it is very positive. But I am wary of falling into the trap of just taking all that she gives, and then leading to expectations (i.e. premeditated resentments) on both sides.
I think a best-case outcome is that we learn from each other. I can learn how to be more giving... and what that really means, i.e. not just bringing flowers or picking up the dinner tab. And she can learn how to better take care of herself - as in, not taking 1 am phone calls from family members on weeknights... LOL. I think she's already getting the hang of it. When you say NO, instead of saying ahhh... yeah, ok and then complaining about it... that's progress
I think it's great that you have found someone special. I heard a hint of "I may not be good enough for her" in your post. A hint of "she better build up some tools to protect herself from me".
You are a person just like she is and you are on a level playing field. If you feel that you might slip into being an "agressive taker", then you know what to do about that. A little of that Alanon brutal honesty you are so good at will guide you if you let it.
Hope you don't think I am being pushy or taking your inventory... but I have experienced a few self fulfilling propheses. You deserve not to sabatoge yourself.
More and more I believe Alanon should be requied reading in public schools. So many of the things I have learned have helped me in my whole life, not just that part that revolves around the A's in my life. If she is participating that is great for her, and a wonderful gift you have given her by way of an introduction.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Great Barisax! Happy to hear that you have found someone to be special in your life!
Separate meetings is the only way, really. As you say, an occasional meeting together is good, but each of you must have the freedom to express yourselves without wondering what the other is thinking. And...it sounds like you both want to work toward making this relationship a lasting, happy one. Great!
I send you every good wish for a future together that is just what you want it to be.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
rtexas wrote:I think it's great that you have found someone special. I heard a hint of "I may not be good enough for her" in your post. A hint of "she better build up some tools to protect herself from me". ... Hope you don't think I am being pushy or taking your inventory... but I have experienced a few self fulfilling propheses. You deserve not to sabatoge yourself.
Your instincts are correct. I am not a person who makes demands of others, really quite the opposite. But I'm also not a mind reader, and when the other person keeps on giving, giving and saying its ok, I like giving, I feel a bit of pressure on me to be the one to say when. My male logic says just take it at face value, but my experience with women says to walk the line carefully.
Sorry I can't be more specific, but I do want to remain relatively anonymous!
I don't know that I'm going to find a formula for the right answer, it's something that is going to be handled one thing at a time, but I just wanted to share some of what I'm thinking in all this. I don't want to sabotage anything, but I do have those moments of fear - when it seems like if I step to the left... sabotage. Step to the right... sabotage. Stay where I am... sabotage. I'm sure I am not giving us enough credit, surely the friendship at this point is strong enough to survive a few little mistakes! Yes, I have the perfectionism trap too. Analysis Paralysis.... LOL.
