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I am getting better. My mother came over yesterday to watch the kids while I work. She's great about stepping in when my ex decides to step out. Well, not great but she does it, complaining all the while and not putting them to bed at any reasonable hour and feeding them only turkey bacon and noodles and butter. So, I can only say "thank you". I've tried to broch the subject of food and bedtime but she just gets defensive and then mean. So, the kids will be overtired and cranky with failing grades and malnurished and this is all my fault. Sigh, doing the best I can with what I've got. I have all of next week off and then only 5 more weeks of work so it's not forever.
She and my father divorced and never spoke again. She constantly put him down and was mean to me about him. He never said one bad word about her in front of me and was always supportive of her when i would slam her in front of him. My father left me everything when he died. She, ofcourse, wants all the things back that they had to split in the divorce. She asks me all the time about this rug or that china. I just told her he sold it all to pay for his cancer treatments. He didn't but it makes me so mad. My dad's house finally sold on sunday after almost a year on the market. My mom thinks my dad was rich and that I should give her every cent for all the financial help she has given me all my life. My dad was not as rich as she thinks. Infact, the girls and I will be taken care of but that's it. Which I think is the most wonderful gift. Anyway, with his house selling I started looking for a house here, in the village where he and I lived. This village was founded by my father's family. It is small and I love it. My kids have been in this school system since pre-school and did I mention I love it here?
Here's me going to the hardware store for bread....I tell my mom that dad's house sold and she says" I am so nervous about you buying another house. You have no income how are you going to pay taxes every year. I don't think you're ready for that. With your track record you'll never be ready for that." That was 15 min into her visit.Slam after slam. And then she wonders why I don't call her except if I need her to watch the kids. Why would I want to hang out with someone who thinks and treats me as if I'm stupid. Too stupid to live my life? I decided to ignore her little snips and take the dog i am sitting for a really long walk by all of the houses i am interested in. She comes along. Bitching about having to drive the half hour from her house to mine to watch the kids, about my father's family and how wrong they are in how they treat me, my father and all of his character defects, me and what a screw up i am. All of this done in a cheery, know it all tone. By the time I left for work I was thinking that I should just give her all of my money and move into her nasty basement, let my kids go to a crappy school system and just give up.
BUT NO!!! I thought I am a loyal friend, I have more income now then I ever had thanks to my dad, I no longer have an alcoholic crack head constantly stealing stuff and draining our bank account. I am happy. My kids are alive and know they are loved by me. My dad loved me and supported me. I am living my life and doing it differently than my mother and that is huge. She is sick and it is sad that I can't go to her with my life but I can't. It is just dawning on me that that is her, not me. I have believed for so long that what she says about me is true ( it has to be. not only is she my mother but she is also always right---one of the many perks of being a living saint) I have started seeing that she is not right about me. Just because she says it doesn't make it true. That is her crap that she trys to pawn off on me, my kids and her boyfriend. She doesn't even know me. And that is not my fault either. I have tried for years to let her in but she refuses. It is sad but also a relief. I have to work on myself but I am not responsible for her sickness.
you are doing well and I know what the parent thing is like, I had that some years ago, only in my case it was my father who instilled a complete lack of confidence in me at times, though he was absolutely marvellous in many ways, stepping in to mind the children etc. I remember once when he brought Patrick to playschool and there was not one nourishing item in the lunchbox, which started a riot with the other children as they too were fond of chocolate and the lady who ran it came out and gave me a lecture on good food for children, I laugh about it now but it was not too easy at the time, you will get fully back on your feet and you are in my thoughts
You have such a great attitude. I really admire you.
I've been reading some of your posts and we have similar problems. I too have this same exact problem with my mother. She is so negative and she has this sense of entitlement like I've never seen before. She complains when I don't tell her anything and then when I do, she turns it around as an excuse to be nasty to me. I can only take that for so long and then I snap back. I feel so guilty after I have been nasty back to her, but I am only human, you know? She thinks the world should revolve around her. Last night I finally had to tell her "It is not always about you!" My mom knows what is going on with us and do you think she ever asks how are we doing? No. She only complains about how everyone is not doing enough for her. It drives me nuts. I have three daughters and I have vowed to be different with them. We are very close, and that makes me happy.
serendipity wrote: I have started seeing that she is not right about me. Just because she says it doesn't make it true. That is her crap that she trys to pawn off on me, my kids and her boyfriend. She doesn't even know me. And that is not my fault either. I have tried for years to let her in but she refuses. It is sad but also a relief. I have to work on myself but I am not responsible for her sickness.
Truer words have never been spoken! Very healthy, recovery oriented attitude.
Glad you are taking care of you. Enjoy the blessings your father left for you & your children.
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Oh-my-gosh! I could have written all of these posts! My Mom is chronically negative. She never has a positive thing to say about anyone or anything. She can't stand my husband or my brother's wife. What I have realized is that she is really a very envious person, which is very destructive. I try to detach, but she is like a B-29 making a bombing run...she is so high up that you can't hear the roar of the engine, only the bombs exploding around you. She ripped both my sister-in-law and husband to shreds yesterday and I have to say I exploded in a way I never have before...at least she knows how I feel! Anyway, now I am considering not going to Easter at her house and my husband has already decided he is skipping it. He said to tell everyone he is afraid he will drink if he has to spend time with her!
Anyway, if you have the book "The Language of Letting Go," by Melody Beatty, read the excerpt for July 15 called Family Buttons, which basically talks about how we can't change our family members, only how we react to them. It also talks about setting boundaries, which is something I need to work on.
It is so sad when we can't have the relationship with our Mom's that we would like. I used to be very close to mine. I am not sure who changed, her or me.
"I started looking for a house here, in the village where he and I lived. This village was founded by my father's family. It is small and I love it. My kids have been in this school system since pre-school and did I mention I love it here?"
I'm celebrating with you .... so glad you love it there!! Keep your eye on those positives, all the things that are making you smile. Who cares what she is saying.... YOU love it there. It's what YOU want. It is YOUR choice and it is YOUR smiling face that brings joy to your kids --- might as well be in a house that you love
Some one told me the people that are determined to rain on the parade are the "chicken littles" in life..... always ready to yell that the sky is falling. Lots of drama, when there doesn't need to be any. Don't let her put fear in you. Do the leg work and then do whats best for you. Happy house hunting !
