Wish it was that cut and dry for me. I think you and I have the same problem which is the confusion between telling something they don't want to hear and being "mean". I guess if you're not purposefully doing it to hurt his feelings it is just the way it is as opposed doing it with an ulterior motive which would be mean. I don't think you're mean and I don't think saying it the way it is makes you a mean person.

((QOD))

I'm very happy that you are reaching out about this... I had much trouble with "acceptence", especially with my Awife using the old hats of, I love you so much, I'll change - I swear, why are you doing this to me.  It really screwed me up in terms of how I was desperately trying to detach, with love.  I felt guilty and full of shame for throwing in the towel --- TODAY, I have left that guilt and shame behind.  IF I CHOOSE to talk to her, and she brings up the same 'ol same 'ol, I can make one of a few different decisions:  If I feel she is receptive to communication, I will take the time to explain that although I love her and am sad that her situation is not what she wants it to be, MY decision to end the insanity was based upon MY needs not being met, and behaviors I could NOT live with;  If she is not receptive, I ask her to get down to business at hand OR that I can't talk with her at the moment.

What I will not do -----ANYMORE------ is go 'round and 'round and around talking about the same crap that never changes --- and I say the same things, too --- and get the same results every time --- (do you know what the definition of insanity is?)    sigh

Anyhow, I hope that you find the tools you need to find yourself being able to accept the situation for what it is.  It took a lot of pain for me to finally just acknowledge that HER perspective will NOT change -- sucks to be her, truly.

with love,
cj

Thanks everyone for the posts and sharing. I have a HUGE communication problem with my AH. I clam up...can't say what needs to be said. It is like...when I am by myself I know exactly how I feel, what I want and need. But when I am talking with him, I cannot spit the words out. I worry that I will hurt him, piss him, drive him into another binge.

Mykids are kind of the same way. It is like when my AH is gone for long periods of time, they are ok. Then he shows up and the roller coaster of emotions flood them again. It is sad to see. I've notices my 13 yo son has started putting up a wall to protect himself. He says hi and hugs his dad when he comes around and then goes on about his business....all the while acting touch and emotionless. My 4 yo daughter tends to have meltdowns over everything. Like when she sees her daddy pull in the driveway, she runs to the door and gets all upset when she cannot get it open so she can go out to greet him. Like if she doesn't get out there in a hurry, he will drive off w/out seeing her. It breaks my heart.

He is supposed to come by tonight.....MAYBE I will address some of these issues w/him. Most likely I will clam up, try to make the evening as pleasant as possible and pray for it to hurry up and end.

Thanks again for all of the sharing.
Sincerely,
QOD

It might help, and this is a tall order for some, is simply being direct. He wants to talk about the relationship? You already did. He wants to know where it's going? You already told him that. He wants to know why this is happening? You already told him that.
No emotions. No upset. No tears. No sighs. No heavy emotions. Be like a Briton soldier (probably a bad example, but I will never forget the Briton RAF that was a long term member of my al anon group): Professional. Terse. Direct. Cold even.
Example:
Him: "But you know I love you! I would do any thing for you!"
You, using the British soldier example: "Obviously that hasn't happened yet. And obviously the most important parts of our relationship hasn't been made a priority for you."
Him: "I don't understand! Please! I love you!"
You: "I'm not going to explain something to you that I've spent the past [insert here how many years you've tried to stop his drinking, drugging, and demise of your marriage] trying to explain. It didn't work then. It doesn't work now. You came over here for [explicitly state purpose and amount of time he's over there for]. It's time for you to [achieve purpose--get his things? Sign divorce papers? Hug kids good night?] And then it's time for you to leave."
Him: "That's not fair! This is my house too! These are my kids too!"
You: "This stopped being your house when [mention, BRIEFLY, first time he left for drug binge without notifying you of return time]. We didn't know when you would come back or if you would come back alive. This is not your house anymore. Now that you've done what you came here to do, it's time for you to leave."
Him: (Begins to rage and become hateful)
You (keeping your British cool here): I don't allow that kind of language in my home. And I don't allow myself to be talked to that way. It's time for you to leave. If you refuse, I will call the police and have them escort you home (Better be ready to carry this out!)
Him: (continues to escalate the verbal hate)
You: I'm sorry you feel that way, but you have to leave. This is not your house, and I don't tolerate abuse in my house. You have 5 minutes to [get anything he didn't get? Say final good byes to the kids?] and leave.

Again, AN EXAMPLE! EXAMPLE! When I finally when through with MY "Leave. Now. Or else." It was on the phone with my father; it went like this:
Dad: (RAging; calling me names you don't call a dog you don't like; being hateful and hurtful)
Me: I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying. If you talk in a normal voice, I can help you.
Dad (escalates the screaming, name calling, abuse)
Me: I don't allow people to talk to me that way, and I don't allow you to either. If you want to talk to me, you need to stop screaming, stop abusing me, and talk to me in a civil manner
Dad (escalates MORE the abuse)
Me: I'm sorry, it seems as if we aren't communicating. Please call me back when you're ready to talk. Good bye.
*click. I hung up the phone.

I have always had the problem of clamming up, especially when I'm upset. I found that I was much, much better at writing letters. I ended up writing one to my ex, explaining how I felt. I was able to edit it as many times as I wanted before I sent it, even asked my minister to read it and give his opinion. That letter seemed to help him get the point, as he referred to it many times.
Hope this helps? Take what you need, and leave the rest. Best wishes for you in your new life! Love, TLC