The material presented
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Hi everyone, I've been trying and trying to put a message on here and can't seem to do it. I'm in a lot of pain with letting go of my daughters and granddaughter. When I try to post, I find myself not able to express what I'm going through without writing a book, so I'm writing about breaking the cycle.
When I first went to Al-Anon and began reading books on addictions, I learned that the alcoholic cycle can be broken and families restored. I've been in Al-Anon for years and the situation in my family keeps getting worse.
I haven't "pushed" Al-Anon but I don't keep it a secret from my family that I go there and that it's been helpful to me. Their response has always been that they don't need it and don't see why I need it.
I live 1,000+ miles from them but each time I visit, I see more and more alcohol. My granddaughter has told me that her husband comes home drunk sometimes, but states it as a fact, not a problem.
The last time I drove from Florida to WV (where I stay), then to Maryland to see my grandchildren, my daughter said they were too busy for me to come there. My youngest daughter said the same thing!
They knew several months ahead of time that I was coming to see them.
I saw my grandchildren one time in the two months that I was in that area!! It's not that they wouldn't let me see my grandchildren - it just had to be on their timetable exactly with complete disregard for any plans I had for myself.
I've had to let go of other people in my life, but this is by far the most difficult. In order to keep seeing my grandchildren, I was acting the role of people pleaser big time even though I knew the program says I must change. I've "lost" my sisters and some "friends" through the years because of the "new me". When my sisters saw that I was gradually losing my "people pleasing" qualities, they shunned me and said I was "controlling".
My granddaughter is having a baby boy on the 5th and I've decided not to drive that distance although if I knew I would be seeing all my grandchildren I would do it as soon as I can (recovering from hip problem). I really am losing my desire to go there even though I would love to see my new ggson.
If anyone understands what I'm trying to say, I hope you'll respond. I'm full of too many emotions and trying to get back to my program and serenity - just haven't been able to get this off my mind.
I'm also trying to get rid of my "stinkin thinkin" and anger at what goes on in those alcoholic homes. I blame myself for some of it - I feel like a real failure as a mother.
I will tell you what was told to me when I said I was a failure as a Mom.
You are not a failure. You are an individual that was affected by the disease of alcoholism. You were doing the best you could with what you had. NO ONE has the right to judge YOU. Please accept the right to be HUMAN, to have made mistakes, FORGIVE yourself and keep working on making better choices for your life - TODAY.
Continue to take care of you.
((carolena))
Congratulations on the new ggson.
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Breaking the cycle -- that is great, if it can be done; I feal from your share that you have heaped the lives of your children and children's children all up on your shoulders -- as if it is your responsibility to "make" them see the light.
EASY DOES IT!
you are responsible for you and your happiness. when i first came to program, i was the dictionary definition of a codependent people-pleaser. it struck me very hard when i had a realization that i was happy only when my loved ones were happy, i was miserable when they were miserable, i was irritable when they were irritable ----- ACK! what kind of life is that? what if they CHOOSE never to be happy? what if they NEVER get to a point where they are "sick n tired of being sick n tired"? it took a bit of meditation and prayer, took getting my Higher Power off the shelf, took putting program as the priority in my life, it took putting MY needs ahead of everyone else's. I am convinced that when I am happy, my loved ones who are discontent truly sees that and THEN they are more receptive to sharing with me or listening to advice I have. and that is totally their choice. they have their own Higher Power who is guiding them down their own path.
step 1 I am powerless over alcohol and I am powerless over other people;
I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I definately can't control it
Life is good, today, because I choose my life to be good. Hard? yes, sometimes hard, but still good!
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Carolena, you are not owed time with your family. As painful as it sounds, if they will not make time for you, it is not a reflection on you, nor is it something you are allowed to expect. Secondly, being that you are over 1,000 miles away and in recovery, it is normal for "them" to have "a seperate life." As painful as it is, sheer geography will create for a family what it cannot create for itself and that is surrender. It was asked about how to have a relationship with people that don't seem to want to have a relationship with you. My experience suggests having a relationship on it's own terms. What if you called your daughter and asked about what you could do for her, on her own merits? I know when one mother in the program tried this, she was stunned with the results: her daughter, who also had a baby, said, honestly "Mom, I'll call you, and if I need you, I'll get in contact with you." Mom had to realize that it wasn't about her, but her daughter and son in law wanted time alone with their new baby and wanted to be alone by themselves. After about 6 weeks, she called and said "Mom, I don't feel well, Scott's got the flu, and the baby's running a fever. If you could help, it'd be great." As promised, mom came through. Another: Daughter told mom, when they found out they were pregnant, "Let me think about you coming mom. I'm not sure how I feel with Scotts mother being as overbearing as she has been. It feels so suffocating right now." Mom had to realize that, ultimately, her daughter needed to be with her husband and make very delicate decisions: how did they want to handle the pregnancy? how did they want to handle him in a new job, them in a new house, her just getting transferred to a new position AND now she being pregnant? about 6 or 7 months, daughter felt safe enough in her skin to say, "Mom, I would like you to come, to help with the baby. But I reserve the right to say back off. And I'm not too certain about you being in the room, because Scott's mom is still very over bearing." Mom honored their wishes, and 3 weeks before delivery took on a more "May I....?" Role. "May I pay these bills for you? I feel as if when the baby comes you'll forget?" (Yes. I would appreciate that.) "May I vacuum for you? I feel that you're not up for the job." (Actually, mom, I don't feel well enough right now to stand the noise. Later? *mom agreed*) "May I help you dress for the OB Gyn?" (Actually mom, I really think I'll be okay. These sun dresses have been perfect. Thanks for buying them when you went to the FL keys.) Mom was allowed in the room, and stayed for 4 weeks post delivery, always in the "May I..." role. It sounds like, largely, if you want a relationship with your family, asserting one on its own merits may work. Also, not "digging" for info may be even better. Notice neither of these mothers asked about "the doctors; the doula; the midwife" or anything. They let their daughters come to them.
Thanks for your supportive replies. Boy, was I having a bad hair day yesterday when I posted. Today has been a lot better. You guys are amazing and so helpful.
