The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My new found skill in sticking to my boundries has been tested to the bitter end over the past few weeks. For those that don't know, my AW and I are seperated and have been for 5 months now. She has learned to talk the talk of getting better (getting help and getting sober), but there is just no action behind those words just yet.
She told me yesterday that she paid her rent and signed a new lease. To me that is good and bad. The good is the uncertanty of what she intends to do (or try and force me to do) is pushed aside, but the bad is that she has resigned herself to not getting any help yet.
The sadness in that last part is intense.
I would say because I "miss her", but that is not completely accurate. I don't at all miss what was going on just before we seperated. I miss our relationship prior to the increased drinking. I love her, that is accurate... and I am upset for what could be, what should be.... but as Tom told me along time ago we don't have one of these "white picket fence" relationships like in the movies. Pretending we did and should again is a pipe dream, and only hurts me.
I can work towards that by growing myself, and allow people to share that with me, but pretending it was better than it was.... well that is just a kind of denial.
So today I am trying to live in "what is" land. My son's are very aware that nothing has changed. They are inconvinienced with us being in 2 different places, but know full well why. They live in the "what is" much better than their Dad.
What is: I have a place to live, There is limited chaos here, my kids are great, I have a job and enough money... life doesn't suck. I am not going to settle doesn't suck... but that pretty accurately describes where I am today, so we start from there and move on. ;)
Today I hope your "what is" brings you happiness, even if you have to go looking for it, and I promise to try and do the same.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I know where you are coming from. I am trying so hard to live in the land of "what is" myself. Thankfully, I do not try and control things back to the place that is "this is the way it should be" land. Sadly, I go to that place often and hope that things will turn around to the way I want them. I felt in the beginning when Ason and dil split up that I would never be ever to go on with a happy and fulfilled life unless he got into recovery and they reunited. Well, that never happened and most of the time I am able to accept that everyone is where they are suppose to be at the moment. It may not be the way I want it but HP is working in everyone of our lives.
HP has really helped me come a long way with detachment and acceptance and most of the time being happy with "what is".
I'm both sad & glad for you (if that makes any sense - but hey does anything to do with alcoholism make any sense???)
Sad that your wife isn't seeking the help she needs for a healthier life, sad that she hasn't found her way yet, sad that you have to feel that pain of watching a love one struggle and most of all sad that you feel the heartbreak of being apart from the one you love.
but also
Glad that you didn't have to fight her on trying to come home before she had recovery, glad that she is respecting your boundaries, and most of all Glad that YOU LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO KEEP TAKING CARE OF YOU.
So, I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but like I said - most of the time in dealing with this disease - nothing really makes sense - lol -
My thoughts & prayers go out to you & your family,
Peace to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I hear ya! The land of "what is" is often hard to accept. In my experience though...we can choose to deal with the facts, or continue to spend lots of wasted time and energy imagining the 'white picket fence' that doesn't exist. I have had to implement the 'what is' scenario over and over in my life - even in non-alcoholism related situations - but it does get me to through the muck a lot faster and cleaner. I'm actually getting quite good at it! lol. Don't know if that's good or bad...it just "is". :)
What an awesome post! "Today, life is good." Indeed. That doesn't make us any less human, Bro. Wanting to love and be loved by someone -- and I can't imagine (as I don't have children) how intensified that is for you -- the need (NEED) to be close and warm and have intimacy, whether it is just a little rub on the back or... just a little rub.... I've been separated for a little over 5 months, also, and also have the intense sadness of my wife being in denial. It will cost our marriage, and who knows what else in her future. I made the choice, considering that we don't have children and that I may not get over certain resentments (infidelity among them), to divorce her. I do love her, but now, I have to love me, too. I'm worth it. Today, life IS good. I can live with "sad but honest", let go, detach with that love, and concentrate on my own needs and contentment.
yours in recovery & brightest blessings, brother cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I am happy that you are a decent caring parent for your kids. I don't know your history, but I think this just goes to show how powerful alcohol is to some people. I could never in my life imagine living away from my children because it was more important for me to drink than to be a proper mother.
*ear to the crowd* That, my friend is the cheer of progress. You have made so much since coming into these rooms. Yes, it hurts that she's not coming home. But also, look at it this way: SHE is paying the rent. SHE is signing the lease. And as miserable as she is, SHE is looking at HERSELF in the mirror EVERY MORNING. She may have to find herself hurting enough to relize that the person in the mirror is the person causing the pain. Heard in a lead last night: gentleman said he had the mirror he used to cut and measure weed off of re-cut so that any time he's getting ready for work he has to look at himself. That way, he said, he has to look at who's responsible for working his program. Food for thought.
You are so right, we must life in the "what is" living in what could be or should be land is very damaging to us because I believe it sets us up for disappointment everytime. This disease is so unpredictable. It stinks that it must be this way for you and the children right now. I think your doing awesome growth in your program and at least "what was" your life with your AW in the home is not your "what is" now. You have peace and that is so important. Thank you for sharing with us, it reminds me to life in the moment of now and what is reality. You are in my thoughts and prayers
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
. I've been separated for a little over 5 months, also, and also have the intense sadness of my wife being in denial. It will cost our marriage, and who knows what else in her future. I made the choice, considering that we don't have children and that I may not get over certain resentments (infidelity among them), to divorce her. I do love her, but now, I have to love me, too. I'm worth it. Today, life IS good. I can live with "sad but honest", let go, detach with that love, and concentrate on my own needs and contentment. 