The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I have told my A that when he is released from jail he cannot come home. Leading up to that conversation I had a lot of anxiety. Working out my plans with those I trust. Initially I worried horribly about my ability to keep the boundaries I was setting and even moreso about the consequences (he can be threatening and immature even when sober).
Just prior to me telling him (during one of the on-line meetings), I realized FINALLY how to let go and let God. This was a big obstacle for me. I could identify things I needed to let go of, but could never figure out how to release my death grip on them. It dawned on me that, I had to let go of the consequences. Set my boundary and let go of the worry of those consequences. Well, since then, I have prayed about how things will work out ALOT, but the worry has subsided (for now at least).
The painful part of this progress I am finding, is more the realization that all of my hope and dreams in this relationship appear for not. My believing for so long that I can take what he gives and make up for all the rest, sadly is all wrong. Admitting to myself and to those close to me, how unhappy I truly am. Well...it is painful.
It has been a heavy week. Alot of emotions keep running through my mind. I will admit that even the old feelings of wouldn't it just be easier to let things go back the way they were. It doesn't take much to snap me back, though. In fact, less and less these days.
One thing that has started creeping into my mind, is that I almost feel like I am trying to control things more, by setting the boundaries. Something else for me to work on I guess.
I'm sorry that you are in pain, it sure isn't easy living with an active A, or sober for that matter at times! You sound strong and seem to have realized that nothing changes if nothing changes. I remember so well when I was in that stage. I know it's hard right now, but "letting go and letting God" took such a huge weight off my shoulders!! I tried to control my A, and I believe that's what he wanted, he and his family seemed to believe that I could cure him, God knows I tried!! I stuck with him pretty well 24/7 to keep him away from that bottle. As you know, it doesn't work. When an A gets that super-strong, overwhelming compulsion to drink or do drugs, he/she will find a way. You seem to know what you need to do, for you.Stick to those boundaries for your own health and well-being, take care of YOU! Take what you need, and leave the rest, written with love and caring, TLC
Change is scary and we often try and control it. We can't control the change in circumstances sometimes, but we can control/change how we react to it.
I think under the cirumstances you are doing very well. Just remember recovery is a slow and painful process. It is also a very liberating and empowering feeling. Learn to recognize those small moments and enjoy them. Pat yourself on the back for doing the what you are doing for yourself. You should be proud. I am of you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know exactly how you feel. I am going thru much of the same thing myself. I left my active A husband almost a month ago. We have seperated and gotten back together so many times that I have lost count. It may be that I am finally letting go and it just doesn't seem to matter how many times we seperated. It's not going to change things. I have been hard-headed and it's taken me longer to really grasp that if Nothing changes, nothing changes. I know that it's painful to give up your hopes and dreams. I believe, for me, that I was living in a fantasy world where the things that the A were doing would all be ok and that somehow, if I just put in more effort, we would live happily ever after. The truth is that my husband is an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do and it has nothing to do with me. Facing the truth and realizing that this marriage is just not healthy for me was very hard for me to do. I have always been one throughout my life that would give up on things that I found too challenging because I didn't want to look stupid or as a failure. Give me a good "ole" alcoholic though and I will go to the ends of the earth trying to make our relationship work.(LOL) I am just now facing the fact that I fight the hardest for those things that are not good for me. Now I am trying to funnel that energy into the things that ARE good for me. I have also had those thoughts of just going back to the way things were because it was so much easier than living alone (abandonment issues) but I know that I deserve so much more out of life and my relationships. There are days that I'm not confident in that statement but I just keep repeating it to myself over and over until I believe it. You deserve better too.
Setting boundaries is not about controlling the alcoholic and what he does or does not do. It's about setting guidelines as to how you want and deserve to be treated or what you will or will not tolerate and then you have to stick to your boundary. If you feel uncomfortable about riding in the car with your husband when he's drinking, for example, setting the boundary that you will not ride in the car as long as he's drinking is not controlling him, it's about taking care of your safety.
Very well put. I am going through similar thoughts and decisions. I wish things were different and I am realizing that I have wanted him to change. He refuses and really he can't without a 12 step program. I am so afraid to set boundaries because when I do I may never see him again. I too have thought to accept the status quo but somewhere deep inside of me I know that I can't allow that to happen.
You are on the right track with your A. We need to walk through the pain and see what is on the other side.
Wow, I can really relate to all of those thoughts and feelings. I remember struggling with boundaries and wondered if it was just another way to control. I also remember trying to let go of what my hopes and dreams of what a relationship was 'supposed' to look like. What a freeing moment when I truly understood that 'attempting to fit life and love into preconceived notions is difficult and futile work'...
It sure does sound like you're working through it all with great logic. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions and continue to take care of you...
(((((((Leetle))))))) I can relate so much to wondering if I'm being controlling when I set boundaries. Setting boundaries, though, is what we're taught to do to protect ourselves. I had to protect myself from my AH's negative behavior by detaching and setting boundaries even when it felt controlling. When I think, "If it's good for me, it's good for them.", it's so much easier to set those boundaries. Hang tough!
I know it's painful but I have to a little "hooray" for you. Take a moment and congratulate yourself on your progress.
Letting go of a dream is also a "loss." The stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (love that one) is a necessary part of grieving the loss.
Know that you have friends who understand, who care, who will be there while you process this loss.
Love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
